To want fiance to get rid of his cats

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

• Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.

• His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)

• I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment

• I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

Your allergies are reason enough to rehome.

What a daft generalisation. I’m a sometime dog owner, though not currently, and I think OP is being massively unreasonable.

My DP lives with my cat and is allergic. The cat isn’t allowed in our bedroom for this reason. My cat is elderly and so it won’t be forever but I won’t lie it is stressful but I take full responsibility for all care of the cat and it’s my job to keep her away from areas that DP lies down on and our clothing etc. I don’t ask DP to do a single thing for the cat and unfortunately it does mean I spend less time with the cat but she’s too old to rehome and he has accepted she is an animal and it’s not her fault and we found a way to live with it.

How do you expect someone to adapt to living with something they're allergic to?

Because he has one in his current house - lots of PCs and equipment that he will need room for.
Ive had to set up a smaller desk in my bedroom.

Its not all one sided, I have made some compromises also in this move so that he can still have his hobbies etc when he moves in.

The lifestyle he has given to his cats though - not being outside, allowed to roam the entire house and sleep in his bed etc can't really be enforced in my house.

My house is also loud, with very few places for two cats to go for reprieve if they are feeling overwhelmed. I have an open plan kitchen and living room, so no separate rooms downstairs.

Could I ask how old you are OP? It doesn't sound like either of you are genuinely ready to build a lift together. You havent been together for long and you have a ND DC. My advice would be to postpone the wedding and focus on your DC for now.

Why are you giving up your office to turn it into a gaming room? That makes absolutely no sense at all. Where will you work from?!

Why the rush to move in together?

She's allergic to cats, and realistically cats don't care about their owners in the way dogs are attached to them. I prefer cats personally, because they're not as needy. But it would be far easier on a cat being rehomed than a dog.

I sympathise with having allergies and wouldn't want to live with pets I'm allergic to. But, there's no way I would re-home my cats for a partner.
I think you have a very difficult situation here OP.

No the cats can't move in if you're allergic. I definitely wouldn't have someone else's cats move into my home they will probably pee all over your furniture marking there area or else ull have your dog going at the litter box them things are filthy

I would rehome my own mother before I got rid of my cats for anyone. It's honestly disgusting you are even thinking it is remotely reasonable.

You get a pet and assume responsibility for it for its lifetime. You don't just cast it aside because a new partner decides they don't want to live with them. How about you rehome your dog and child and then the house will be nice and peaceful for the cats?

Would you rehome your dog if he was allergic? If not, why do you think it's ok to ask him to do the same? It doesn't sound like you should be moving in together at all. I'm allergic to cats and dogs and wouldn't be able to live in a house with them. So I just wouldn't move in with him.

Why should he give up his cats but you won't give up your dog? Hypocritical much.

I don't think you should move in together at all. It spells disaster. Mainly because everything you said revolves around what is best for you and have you ever heard of compromise?

Keep your own homes you will be much happier for it. My friend did it for fifteen years and they had a child together too. It worked for them.

Yeah, ours is 15 and still going strong...

Will need to just knock some antihistamines back and see how they go! I have OTC ones but will need to get stronger off GP if they dont work well. They're house cats, so I think it amplifies it somewhat.

I mean how did this kind of thing ever become acceptable in a relationship?

I get the impression of men -children spending stupid amounts of time and money playing army games on a computer instead of engaging in a grown up partnership.

A man nowhere near ready to be a proper adult, basically.

It looks like really, you’re incompatible atm. You say you can’t live together unless one of you gets rid of (‘re-homed’) your pet/s. As if a (good) pet owner would do that. IF they would - they’d be a hard no relationship-wise anyway. It’d say a lot about them (and the person that asked them), none of it good.

There are so many reasons not to move in together- you have a largish ‘playful’ Rottweiler , the house is quite small, he has 2 (indoor) cats, you are allergic to the cats. The cats will hate being the dog’s play target too. It can only end badly.

Best thing to do is continue as you are, save for a bigger house as opposed to a wedding. In time your daughter will be more used to your partner (another critical point), the dog will die and the cats can go outside if you have a bigger garden.

Hmm, you say they are house cats so don't go outside? I think it would be really stressful for the cats if they will be trapped in the downstairs of an unfamiliar house with a child and a rottweiler, with no access to upstairs or outside. Cats need somewhere they can "escape" to if they want some quiet.

I do understand about not letting them on beds as I have a slight allergy, but our cats spend a lot of time outside. It also means everyone remembering to shut all the bedroom doors all the time which will lead to conflict if people forget and the cats get on your bed.

I think the only fair options are to agree to rehome the cats or agree to live separately, at least until rottweiler is no longer with you. Tricky situation.

This is absolute rubbish. I grew up with dogs. They would go to anyone and adored affection.

My cats pine for me, don't eat. Come racing to the door to see me, follow me around the house and are always within a few meters of me. They prefer me over anyone else and take a very long time to warm up.

I was connected to a cat charity and we saw cats literally die of heartbreak after their owners died or left them. They would stop eating and become depressed beyond help.

It is profoundly ignorant to say that cats don't bond like dogs do and it contributes to people treating them like shit in favor of "man's best friend".

He didn't know about your allergies but he did know you had a large playful dog. Didn't you think it was a strange decision of his to re-home two cats at the same time you were discussing moving in together? Of course dogs and cats can get along but it's a big risk isn't it. Sorry, it sounds like a very difficult situation but I would say maybe continue living apart for a while.

I'd be rehoming YOU. How selfish. You are also incompatible. Edited: I see you are allergic to cats, sorry. But it's still a difficult situation. I wouldn't rehome my cats for anyone, though. Or the dog.

That’s hilarious! ‘Darling you have to get rid of the two animals you love but in return I’ll let you pick the broadband provider’!

You are being very unreasonable, especially using the phrase "get rid" of live animals like they're a bit of rubbish to be thrown away.

Given a choice between rehoming the cats or rehoming the fiancée, I'd have to go with rehoming the fiancée.

You don't get to unilaterally decide his pets don't matter as much as yours.