My half-brother has invited my sister to his wedding but not me

[DarkestOfBirds]

My half-brother is getting married later this year. I haven't been invited but my sister has. I am incredibly hurt and feel that not inviting me feels very pointed.
He and I have never had any kind of falling out or any animosity but aren't very close. When my Dad remarried by step-mother wanted a very clear separation between my Dad's old life and family and hers. Dad has often made me feel like the B-Team to his new family. I am the only family member who hasn't been invited (we are a very small family, not lots of cousins etc).
I am trying to brush it off but keep returning to how hurt I feel at being left out.
AIBU?

Things like weddings are often a family event so excluding a family member is quite a statement imo especially where the actual family tie is close (eg a full or half sibling - even if the emotional relationship is not close - particularly when there has not been bad blood).

So while the event is for the bride and groom it is more usual that the family is of relative importance to that event - appreciate that this is not the universal opinion but more often than not imo.

Inappropriate for any guests to get involved in the whys and wherefores of the wider guest list. Either accept or decline but absolutely don't raise the issue with the host of why others haven't been invited.

I agree with this.
He doesn't want to have a relationship with you. He has said as much in his lack of response when you questioned it. Take a massive step back and stop putting effort in to someone who doesn't give a shit about you. You don't need to send a card. He wouldn't to you presumably. Invest your time in people who are actually kind to you. Life is far too short for shitty people. This doesn't mean you need to argue or snub each other at the odd family event you see him at. A polite hello and chit chat as you would with a acquaintance is absolutely fine -just leave it at that.

Your dad's a piece of work, so it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it comes to his son.

That would be it for me, I wouldn't bother sending bugger all for his bloody wedding and I wouldn't be bothering with him full stop from now on. You don't deserve that.

Step mum sounds like the problem, he's her kid, she's a bad person, immature, emotionally stunted, has a lot of other problems.

Most likely for some reason she objected to you. She will know how this hurts you and tbf your dad. So have you had a run in with her?

Because this feels like classic someone getting their own back on you/putting you in your place.

It is just horrible, v sorry OP

Your SM sounds a delight ! I feel a bit sorry for your half Sister, is she aware that she is going to be at her Mothers beck and call ? Perhaps she has been told that everything will be hers when someone eventually drives a stake through her Mothers' heart/ shoots her with a silver bullet !

Which speaks volumes about your relationship with your brother

that you’re not even close enough to one another to have EVER met his girlfriend and then fiance

The OP has NEVER met the bride to be

So I’m surprised you’re surprised op not to have been invited to their wedding

So not family get togethers?
So Christmas or birthday celebrations?
no engagement party?

no. Nothing. Not once have you and the bride to be even met.

And you weren’t surprised by that? But you are surprised not to have been invited to their wedding?

I feel really sad for you OP, this is horrible. ultimately your dad’s attitude and behavior towards you is the reason why your half brother feels it’s perfectly acceptable to not invite you to his wedding.

If I were you I’d cut ties with your dad’s side of the family completely. It sounds like your dad has caused a lot of trauma.

Have you not read OP’s further posts? It’s deeper than “not meeting the fiancé”

So your father was an unfaithful husband, a negligent father and a negligent son. Not just a mistake of youth, but his behaviour right through his life towards those nearest to him.

How admirable of you to step up and help your grandparents when their own son was derelict in any filial care. I’d imagine your grandparents adored you as much as you adored them.

According to the op

one of those threads, I’d love to hear the other sides to the story

Very hurtful. You’ve tried to talk to him, he was less than honest in his reply, so now I would just send a card and quietly let go of the relationship. I suspect, like others, he is being controlled by his mummy.

It's the B team thing that has got me. That's actually shocking (and no doubt has affected you and your sister's lives). Awful. And now this. I'd feel incredibly hurt and singled out. But I'd try to rise above it (in terms of the card but no gift - maybe flowers) and then I'd have to sadly turn away from them (step siblings and their toxic mum) and never speak to them or engage with them again - that's my self preservation kicking in and the only revenge (so to speak) that I'd be able to enact. I'm a firm believer in 'what comes around, goes around' and that needless/spiteful behaviour will come back on them at some point. Has your dad also changed his will perhaps to favour them unequally too? Just so depressing for you and your sister. Good luck with whatever you decide to do going forward.

Um, no idea why you think I have never met her or why you're so worked up. I just said I don't know her very well. This was in response to a post wondering if there was any animosity between us. There isn't.

she doesn't know me at all. We've never had the chance to get to know each other. I did send congratulations on their engagement.

this sounds to me like you don’t even have her number!

Either accept or decline but absolutely don't raise the issue with the host of why others haven't been invited.

The more I use mumsnet and the more I read stuff like this the more I realised how people get away with their shitty behaviour.

People treat you how you let them. People rarely try this crap with me and I suspect it’s because I don’t give a fuck about being a bigger person or taking the high road. Happy to go as low as necessary to make sure shitty behaviour is kept out of my life.

If my sister did this to our third sister I’d sure as hell tell her.

No, I don't have her number, I didn't realise that was a requirement for being invited to a family wedding where I was hoping to meet her family and welcome her. Not really sure where you are going with this, or why.

Woww. Like father, like son. I’d be done with the lot of them OP. So sorry it sounds really hurtful x

Sounds like it is your stepmum who doesn't want you there and your half brother is just trying to take the easier option.

If you were more vocal as a teen then the stepmum is picking her battles.

It sounds like the only good thing about your dad was his parents and your sister, I take it your GP’s didn’t see much of your HB and HS as their mum sounds like she wanted your dad to herself.

Oh God that sucks.

Firstly your half brother is being a jerk.

Secondly, I can't believe your dad didn't go to your sister's wedding because your step mum was having an attack of the vapours. What a spineless worm. Sorry, I know it's your dad. My mum is similar when it comes to accommodating my ass of a step dad, so I may be projecting slightly, but still.

It seems odd that your dad didn't go to DSis's wedding, but your half brother did. And now he's invited her but not you to his wedding.

There's a psychological theory that doing a favour for someone makes you like them more, because the relationship makes you feel good about yourself. I wonder if something similar is happening with your half brother: if he sees him attending her wedding when both his parents refused to go, does he see himself as having stood up for your sister to the rest of his family, or as having attended magnanimously on behalf of his parents too, or something? Could that be why he now feels closer to her than you?

Or he's just being an ass and hasn't thought through how you might feel about not being invited.

Yanbu to be hurt, that's understandable

It could be seen as a bit disingenuous to suggest that attending a wedding, which is busy and stressful and a party full of loads of other people, for a chance for you to become closer to the groom. You would hardly get to speak to him. If you'd really wanted to have a closer relationship maybe it's not too late...but also maybe you should have been a bit more pro active than waiting for a wedding invite

How hurtful, OP.

Basically your brother was reared by very very dysfunctional people. Your step mother tried to cut off your father's first family. your father told you - his child that his other children were his priority. he didn't go to his own daughter's wedding because his wife didn't want to go. These are not nice people and certainly didn't mirror good loving behaviour to their children. No surprise your brother is incapable of understanding why leaving out one sister from a wedding is hurtful and mean.

Just put them in their proper place in your life. No matter what you do your dad will never do the right thing or feel the right thing. It wasn't just your step-mum who dictated how you were treated. That was on your father. I'd send a card and forget about him. Wouldn't be thinking too much about my father either if I were you. I would do what suited me and nothing else - just like they do.