My half-brother has invited my sister to his wedding but not me

[DarkestOfBirds]

My half-brother is getting married later this year. I haven't been invited but my sister has. I am incredibly hurt and feel that not inviting me feels very pointed.
He and I have never had any kind of falling out or any animosity but aren't very close. When my Dad remarried by step-mother wanted a very clear separation between my Dad's old life and family and hers. Dad has often made me feel like the B-Team to his new family. I am the only family member who hasn't been invited (we are a very small family, not lots of cousins etc).
I am trying to brush it off but keep returning to how hurt I feel at being left out.
AIBU?

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not alone on the bench. x

I would suspect his mother is using him to get at you. My aunt did this when my cousin got married. She invited my sister in law to be part of the wedding party and not me - my mother was convinced that she was put up to this by her mother, who had a long standing passive aggressive feud going with my gran, then my mum. I was just collateral damage.

No, she doesn't know me at all. We've never had the chance to get to know each other. I did send congratulations on their engagement.

Sorry if you have already mentioned this,but is your step brother your Fathers child ? If so there is quite a significant age gap between you, which might explain the lack of closeness to a certain degree ? Being at different life stages ? And your Sister's invite does sound transactional.

No she shouldn’t.

Seems like your dads a jerk and your brother has taken after him. No real loss. Although I know (first hand) it doesn't feel like that, so you have my sympathies.

Yes, this will be interesting given the assumptions that often get made about daughters being the people to pick this up. Do your dad and step mum have other children, think you said another sister? At any rate, I would back away now and do not feel obliged to take on care, executor duties or that sort of thing. Do you or your sister have children?

Sorry OP that's awful treatment of you. It's a shame no one has spoken to your HB. You sound like a decent person. Good luck.

It sounds as though your dad is a selfish coward in more ways than one. I'm sorry OP - I'm from a 'broken ' up family and I know all the heartache that goes with this - I've seen friends spend lifetimes trying to get over the heartache of a parent moving on to a new family.

It would be wrong of anyone to guess what your brother is thinking - it could even be as simple as he didn't give it much thought/had a long list of friends and was just only inviting people he felt close to - but then doubled down out of defensiveness when he realised you were unhappy about it.

however what is clear is there is some toxic behaviour and the break up and affair sounds increidbly hard for a young person to have dealt with.

That's ok - lots of posts! My half-brother is my Dad's son from second marriage. There is quite a significant age gap (13yrs) but the bigger gap was caused by StepMum wanted to erase my Dad's previous marriage

To thicken the plot further, I have just spent 10 years very hands-on caring for my Dad's parents, my grandparents who I absolutely adored. My Dad is a full-time carer for his wife and always put her above his parents even when they really needed him at the end of their lives. Her need was/is driven by anxiety. When my Dad visited my Grandma his wife would call upto 10 times asking when he was coming home. I was left to deal with all the messiness of end-of-life care and support.
My half-sister is being tee-ed up to be her Mum's carer (my Dad is 80 this year).

What do you get out of continuing a relationship with any of them?

I don’t understand how, after this, you’re under any illusions they care about you.

They are awful and you deserve better.

If she wants to retain any semblance of a relationship and take the high road

I think this is the issue. As much as it hurts, maybe your single mum status, living in the wet country isn’t the vibe he’s going for either his buddies.

If this is the case, he’s a knob. Go have a lovely day somewhere and ignore the twat from here on in.

This is a father issue. Your father is the one who made this mess. I would tell him quite honestly that since you aren't considered part of his family that you will cease to be part and cut him off. It honestly doesn't sound like you would be missing out on anything. No good parent tells their own children they aren't a priority anymore because they had new ones. He is an utter dick.

Family is an unfortunate circumstance of genetics. You have no say who you are related to, but you do have a say in who you choose to share your life with. Choose wisely and surround yourself with people who really love you. Also, I would never send a card. You don't owe them anything. They honestly all sound insufferable and not worth your time or energy.

DH and I invited a couple of people to our wedding who we probably wouldn't have put on the guest list except for the fact that they'd invited us to theirs, and it was recent. I would bet that this is why your sister was invited, and the couple didn't think it through that this would leave you feeling specifically excluded. If your brother's venue has strict limits on numbers (most do) and they'd already sent the save the date notes, then they've very stupidly painted themselves into a corner on this one.

Yes I agree. With some relationships people feel they need to hang on in case that crumb does get thrown to them after all. But it’s never worth it in the end. I’ve been in this situation (not walking away) more than once. It just drags on the sadness and feelings of being second best sadly.

I'd send a card - shows you're the bigger person and pisses them off. No gift at all though.

What relationship? They have no relationship.

Sending a card or gift is absolutely desperate. Sorry but the desire so many people seem to have to hang on to dysfunctional and hurtful relationships is utterly baffling.

It’s another thread I don’t get.

Who cares about being the bigger person? Why court the favour or people who clearly don’t give a shit.

It’s not up to you or me at the end of the day, so don’t get overly worked up about it

Yes both my sister and I have children who all adore our Dad (on the surface he looks like an all action-hero and is great fun)

I’m sorry op, of course you would be hurt by that. I suspect there has been some badmouthing from your stepmother. Especially since you stepped up to support your grandparents, she probably hated her in-laws and your dad saying anything good or appreciative about you. What a nasty, bitter woman and what a weak sheep your father is. Your half-brother probably knows deep down that his mother has caused this divide, if he has any brains! But still must want her love and approval, hence cutting you out to please her.
That’s just my guess. You’ve tried and done the best you can in this shitty situation. Time to focus on you. And if any of them expect you to start running around after your Dad in the coming years, tell them to ask “their kids” xxx

I fear HB has made it rather clear he isnt arsed about having a relationship, which does beg the question, when is enough enough when you’re making all the effort and allowances?
If I were you op, I’d use this as a catalyst to really consider your relationships with your dad, stepmum and step siblings and the value they bring to your life… or otherwise!

So sorry this has happened to you OP. Sounds like your dad treated you appallingly (and your half brother is continuing the tradition!) and that’s why this stings so badly.
However you sound like a really lovely and thoughtful person, esp with your latest update, and I hope you know that their actions bear no reflection on your true self-worth.