My half-brother has invited my sister to his wedding but not me

[DarkestOfBirds]

My half-brother is getting married later this year. I haven't been invited but my sister has. I am incredibly hurt and feel that not inviting me feels very pointed.
He and I have never had any kind of falling out or any animosity but aren't very close. When my Dad remarried by step-mother wanted a very clear separation between my Dad's old life and family and hers. Dad has often made me feel like the B-Team to his new family. I am the only family member who hasn't been invited (we are a very small family, not lots of cousins etc).
I am trying to brush it off but keep returning to how hurt I feel at being left out.
AIBU?

No, she's my full-blood sister and his half-sister too.

That is so bizarre..I would be hurt as well if I were you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Some people think weddings are an excuse for doing ever they want cause " it's my big day" , but these actions can really hurt people. Would you just come out and ask?

She doesn't know and doesn't have the kind of relationship where she can ask him. I feel like he's closing a door on wanting to have a relationship with me - Not being at the wedding where all my other family will be makes me feel incredibly rejected and excluded.

I did ask him - he said "I'm just not inviting everyone. I expect we'll see each other around at some point".
I replied to him that the reason I felt hurt is that I saw the wedding as chance for us to connect and that his not inviting me reflects that he doesn't want a connection with me or see me as family. He didn't reply.

Jesus, that’s brutal. No relationship is coming back from that. It is very hurtful and unkind. Nothing you can do. Absolutely do not send a card or gift though. I’d be angry if I was your dad and sister.

The only justification is if you really haven’t spoken for 10 years or you’ve behaved hideously in the past. I presume that is not the case though.

Is it possible his perception of your relationship is different than yours? It's rude not to invite you and he's inviting the rest of the family. But in your most recent post when you asked him and he was so dismissive it makes me feel like maybe he does have some sort of an issue with you specifically.

I'd be upset too

On MN, you see this all the time, people reluctant to invite relatives they're not close to. Although I'd think most people would invite half siblings

To be fair, you wouldn't really have much chance to connect with him at the wedding, as they tend to be busy and hectic

I guess you have two options -
(1) protect yourself from further hurt by distancing yourself and accepting that there is no meaningful relationship here
(2) treat this as a wake up call, try to develop a closer relationship with him. You blame your step mother, but perhaps your half brother feels you didn't make an effort to get to know him?

Its quite nasty of him to do this, does he have form for nasty behaviour

Maybe the invite to your sister invite is to reciprocate that invite

Has he only invited DSis because she invited him to her wedding so feels he should return the invite?

Do you know if it's a small wedding? He might just be inviting people they're very close to, but your sister was a return invite after they went to her wedding.

You’ve got your answer. It’s cold and hurtful but he isn’t interested in a relationship with you. And by extension he can’t be interested in a card or gift so don’t bloody get him one.

I suspect the seeds for this current state of affairs were sewn many years ago by your stepmother’s wish for separation and your dad’s failure to act. Possibly the only reason your sister got an invite is because her wedding is past and she invited him and his fiancée so he feels obligated to return the invite.

That's really mean to invite one of your half-siblings and not the other! Unless there's been some huge misdemeanor or falling out which it sounds like isn't the case. I'd be hurt too.

Have you made any effort to connect with him prior to this?

Does he see your sister - his half sister more than you ?

seems weird and horrid to invite her but not you esp if a small family anyway

I have been wondering about a card - I really do wish them well hurt as I am.
Whenever we see each other at my Dad's house it's completely cordial and civil.

Your sister should refuse to go to support you .

I agree this is very rude unless there is a context that's not being shared here where you've hurt or offended him in some way.

As a pp said I think you've got your answer op, it's just quite a cold one and yanbu to be upset.

Obviously it's his wedding to have the way he and his fiance wish, but I think I'd not put any effort into your relationship with him in future. If it were me, I'd be inclined to send a card and a gift as a gesture so noone could say anything and then put zero effort in after that. You essentially put the ball in his court. It sounds like his mother has affected the relationship between you all which is sad but you alone can't resolve that.

I'd plan something else nice for that day now to treat yourself a bit.

No she shouldn’t

Also just to say, while I would send a card - as you're not invited you're not obliged to and would be well within your rights not to send anything.

I also wouldn't put any other family members in a position where they need to choose between you and the wedding because its really nothing to do with anyone else.

If I was your sister I would feel very uncomfortable attending this wedding.

Possibly but I really don't know. I tried to be honest and respectful of his decision by letting him know how I felt - I do feel that the low friction path would have been to invite me. Even though we aren't that close there is no animosity, or I thought there wasn't. I hoped that my message to him may have given him the option to tell me the truth about how he felt about me even if that was negative. He didn't do that when I gave him the chance to, other than just not reply to me which speaks volumes. I am wrestling by how hurt I feel that other family members aren't sticking up for me.

It has occurred to me. I hope/feel that if the shoe was on the other foot that I would say something.

I’m so sorry op, that’s hurtful I agree

I think it’s worth remembering that weddings are so peculiar in how they force significance on to relationships- your brother and his fiancé will no doubt have many decisions to make about inviting family members, friends, whether or not to invite kids etc etc… there’s always so much complexity.

The cost is a huge factor, and he probably only feels compelled to invite your sister as she invited him, so it’s tit for tat. Nothing more than that.

I agree a card wishing them well is kind and leaves it open for future reconciliation, if the stars align.

Equally, there are many more people out there deserving of your time and energy than him, and I would redirect your focus, time and money to the people you actually like.

x

Absolutely - I would never dream of the spinning up the drama of ultimations and asking people to pick sides.