Guests wasting food

[PottersMarsBars]

We have a bbq coming up and one of the guests is known for overfilling her plate and only eating a small amount of it. She does it every single time. I don’t feel comfortable saying anything as it might cause friction with the relationship dynamics but seeing an obscene amount of food going into the bin really pisses me off it’s like she’s throwing my money away. On top of that she comes over with empty hands, not that we need anything but I wouldn’t go to someone’s house and not take a bottle of wine with me specially when she drinks a lot. Would it be wrong if I served her instead of letting her serve herself? Not inviting her isn’t an option unfortunately.

Why is not inviting her not an option?

It’s one person, once in a blue moon. Just let it go.

Why is not inviting her an option? If she doesn’t bring wine then don’t offer her alcohol. Say would you like a coke? And if she says wine, then that’s your chance to say I assumed you weren’t drinking as you didn’t bring any alcohol. Unless of course she hosts and doesn’t expect you to bring things…

I don't have any eating disorders, but even I can see that would be an utter dick move and hope nobody would actually say something like that even as "a joke".
Especially if you're hosting guests.

Good idea but offer to everyone to save awkwardness.

Surely any gracious host (or adult with even an average amount of manners and emotional intelligence) would never actually comment on what a guest eats / serves themselves?

what if this guest has an eating disorder?!

seriously OP, you need to let this go.

I would definitely give this woman a smaller plate, serve her and say 'I know you have a small appetite, can you manage two sausages?' or similar. People who are saying it's rude of the host to notice, it's nothing like as rude as a guest who comes along, contributes nothing and then wastes food. A private barbecue isn't a bottomless buffet.

I wasn't being entirely serious. 😄

I am a recovering anorexic. I still struggle to eat socially.
I had a friend that pulled me up, it was very embarrassing and I try to avoid seeing her at any meal times now. In my case she said it in front of other people. Don’t be that person.

Be discreet. You don’t know her reasons. It certainly won’t be to annoy or upset you,

If you have to invite her, tell her, dont ask her to bring what she wants to drink.

Give her a really tiny plate!

This. Your job is to provide food, that's all. People may take it and not eat it for all sorts of reasons - they've misjudged, they've overdone it, they don't like the taste. If they're taking more then their fair share, then of course do something, but otherwise let it go.

One of my DCs is very fussy about food and, if there's nothing he will eat, he'll take a small amount, taste it if he can, and essentially "pretend" to eat it to be polite and avoid any comment.

My SIL did this heinously throughout her 20s. She’s calmed down a bit (but not much) in her 30s.

I remember once there was a big summer salad in a large bowl, with slices of mango arranged on top. Maybe 8 or 9 slices. Must have been about 15 guests. She took three of the slices as well as a decent portion of the salad (oh I’m not going to be eating much meat, I prefer salad anyway). She then took a cheeseburger and a hot dog, both in buns, and a half corn on the cob. She’s tiny btw, couldn’t have weighed more than 90lbs, and eats like a bird.

All three slices of mango went in the bin - she tasted one and decided it wasn’t sweet enough. Two bites out of the burger. One out of the hot dog. It was all her mum’s cooking, and my MIL is an AMAZING cook, FIL a pro at the BBQ. Like, they regularly host 30-40 people during the holidays, never look flustered, we always bring food home, she always asks for requests and makes it. She’s and amazing home cook.

This same SIL also sees it as some sort of warped badge of honour to be profligate with single-use plastic (she gets that from her parents) and almost shows off that she doesn’t take doggy bags home. It’s so, so weird. I think she thinks it makes her look like she can afford financially not to have to worry about wastage, and make like she’s so busy and cool doing fun stuff she’d never get around to dealing with taking leftovers home / putting them in the fridge / eating them before they go off.

Anyway, I couldn’t hold it in the last time I witnessed it. Shouldn’t have but did say “look, we know you’re only interested in your own future but there are people here who are going to pay the price for our consumption habits after we’re gone. Can’t you be a bit more considerate about wasting food? Using paper towels when there’s a cloth right there? Not taking more than you’re going to eat?” I think I went on a bit because she was upset. Honestly, I don’t regret it. She was totally in the wrong.

That was probably about 10 years ago. She hasn’t changed much but she’s calmed down a bit. I just block my mind to it now. She always behaves herself when she’s at our house but it’s pretty much unchanged at her parents’ house (and she never invites us over to hers, because - as she says - she can’t cook and the take out options are better at ours).

Long story, but basically I agree OP!

IMO if you're hosting, you can assume that all the food you buy for the event will be gone. Whether that's eaten or wasted, it's the same result for you - it's just not there anymore.

How is a barbecue not good food?

I can't say this would bother me - unless she took so much that there was not enough for other guests.

I can't see serving just her being a tactic that will avoid friction, and neither would a doggy bag. Either suck it up or start armageddon. I like the smaller plates concept.

YANBU to hate food waste and it would be better for everyone if we did reduce the amount that is thrown out but some of the suggestions on here are mad.

You can't in all seriousness offer a guest her own tiny plate and/or personal doggy bag. Or make loud passive aggressive comments about tiny appetites, starving children or the cost of living. Or suggest she sits down while you bring her a plate and let everyone else serve themselves. Or nominate a friendly (less fussy) guest to sit next to them and offer loudly to eat any leftovers from their plate...

If you are hosting surely you just have to let it go, try not to monitor what's on everyone's plate, and just let guests enjoy the occasion.

You have to get over it I think. When I'm full, I try to stop eating (not always easy!) and I don't care who thinks it's wasteful. If it's going around my belly, it's just as wasteful.

I see I am not the only one who thinks smaller plates is a non-confrontational way to tackle it

This is a great idea. Better still, stop inviting her!

She may have issues, from her past, be kind, get smaller plates!

I think it would be kinder not invite her than serve her and no one else. Doggy bag may come across as rude .

So I would either:

1. serve everybody
2. only have veggie options so doesn’t upset you so much
3. not invite her

I think to limit her or passively aggressively give her a doggy bag could come across as quite controlling, and if she’s not veggie, she probably or may not think of the food waste the same way you do.
I don’t think it’s worth upsetting someone who you value enough to come to your bbq and sorry to say I think it will reflect more badly on you than her. Food waste isn’t great I agree with that but I think once it’s on her plate you shouldn’t really be responsible for it.

The OP has no problem with her eating little. Her issue is that she is taking it and wasting it, when it could have been eaten by someone else or eaten cold the next day. It's a selfish and ridiculous thing to do and she should absolutely be called out for it.

Smaller plates and make a big show of packing it up for her to take home.