Guests wasting food

[PottersMarsBars]

We have a bbq coming up and one of the guests is known for overfilling her plate and only eating a small amount of it. She does it every single time. I don’t feel comfortable saying anything as it might cause friction with the relationship dynamics but seeing an obscene amount of food going into the bin really pisses me off it’s like she’s throwing my money away. On top of that she comes over with empty hands, not that we need anything but I wouldn’t go to someone’s house and not take a bottle of wine with me specially when she drinks a lot. Would it be wrong if I served her instead of letting her serve herself? Not inviting her isn’t an option unfortunately.

Is it really that much of big deal? What's the value of food that could possibly be on her plate?

You're not a restaurant so there's no markup and you're just losing the cost price for a sausage and some sides. £5 at most? That's the same as two drinks and any good host should be gracious enough to "spend" that value on their guests.

She almost certainly has an eating disorder and is attempting to hide it by serving herself a huge plate and hoping others see that. This is extremely common with ED or ARFID and she assumes nobody will notice her not eating the food.

Is it really worth making a huge drama over one single guest with a MH disorder?

Besides, maybe she ends up not eating it all because the food is shit and she’s trying to be polite by taking some instead of turning her nose up. I went to a BBQ once and was faced with many dishes that had mayo in them that had obviously been left out too long, a burger that wasn’t fully cooked. So despite intending to eat a full meal, I had to pretend pick at food to not offend my hosts by making their lack of food safety and hygiene into an issue,

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I presume you've attended one of my exMIL BBQs? I remember she took some sausages out the freezer, they defrosted in the sunshine and never got cooked, then she popped them back in the freezer again .....

Of course you can imagine being so rude. You have just been really rude to the OP by implying that she is serving horrible food.

As this guest does this every time, if the food is so awful, why does she take so much of it?

It's like the Woody Allen joke about the two Jewish women complaining about a restaurant. Woman A: "The food here is terrible." Woman B: "Yes, and such small portions.

Going to put it out there... it's her not the food that's the problem!

As a good host, you cannot and should not police what your guests eat or don’t eat.

An unwanted guest that OP can't leave out, unfortunately.

This.

Put out smaller plates - sorry if suggested already.

The waste would irritate me too OP, but I’m not sure there is that much you can do about without making yourself look a bit mean/petty or policing the food to the detriment of other guests.

I would be more annoyed over her not bringing any drinks and then drinking copious amounts of 🍷than the food if I’m honest.

I think nobody should be doing that, full stop. Called bodily autonomy.

People underestimate how many people have disordered relationships with food and forcing someone to put more food or drink in their body when they don't actually want to is repulsive. Wasting food is bad manners but shaming someone into eating more is abuse.

Of course, the obvious part is that she should only be serving herself a portion she intends to eat but a lot of EDs (including ARFID or emetophobia) are complex. If there is underlying neurodivergence, it could be associated with social anxiety where she feels compelled to serve herself normal portions because people are watching, but is physically unable to eat it. Or something with the food triggers anxiety and she cannot finish it.

The title states "guests" in plural which is also untrue. In the end it's just one person who clearly has food issues and the wastage in question is just a plate.

You got it in spades. Coleslaw made the night before and left on the table at room temperature before being set in the sun. The hostess let that slip when I said “wow that’s a lot of coleslaw, potato salad, and tuna salad, your fridge must have been packed to the gills”

What's wrong with saying loudly, 'Jeanette! Your eyes are too big for your belly! You always fill your plate and never eat any of it, would you prefer a sandwich?'

For me I'd be at the BBQ controlling who gets what. So if and when someone wants something, or some stuff is ready, I'd call people over or they just wait nearby. Then it goes straight from BBQ to their plate. I guess you could also have someone serving the side dishes, to control her portions on that also?

It does seem wasteful. Though if she hasn't actually touched any of the meat she leaves I'd just take it back. I'd be happy to eat something from another's plate as long as it hasn't been touched or nibbled.

Or perhaps more diplomatically, before she starts loading her plate: "Oh Jeanette, I always envy the way you only eat such tiny amounts!"
....after which she might feel obliged to only put tiny amounts on her plate, to make sure everyone is impressed.

Try this approach.
I have a SIL just like this. Plus she and BIL used to bring along an uninvited entourage to gatherings we hosted. The pair of freeloading CFs never used to bring anything else either.
No longer a problem because DH fell out with BIL so they are no longer invited but they would love to be back in the fold but it won’t be happening. Too much greedy and underhand behaviour.

If it's close family or friend I'd just say that you hate the way they waste the food that you have bought and prepared for them. But as it's someone you are stuck with, but don't feel able to be direct, I'd try the solicitous hostess route.

Be mortified that they have been heaping their plate out of politeness when they clearly don't like the food, as they leave most of it. Is there something you can do differently eg. less salt, or specific ingredients or textures to avoid? Tell them you won't be offended if they only take tiny amounts of everything to try first. Emphasise you want them to enjoy the food (and add that you/we all hate waste nowadays).

This allows space for genuine food issues of many kinds - including someone who dislikes eating in public, but still tries to socialise - but also lets someone being obliviously wasteful know it has been noted. Might help?

This would really wind me up too, OP. It's one thing if I serve someone a portion that they can't finish, but when people pile up plates of their own accord and leave half of it it really, really upsets me, partly because of the food waste issue, and partly because in commercial settings it drives the cost up for everyone else. Not only is it a massive up yours to the animals who provided the meat, it's pretty rude to the hosts who've paid for it.

I wouldn't hesitate to stop inviting people who make a habit of it, and if they ask I'd say it's quite clear they don't like my food. In the meantime, I'd go with the doggy bag approach to see if it makes any difference.

Did anyone else get sick?

honestly, people actually watch how much food their guests are taking and eating??

Surely if you're hosting a bbq you're busy having a nice time with your friends?

If this is her quirk and she is actually your friend then you just have to deal with it

They are not everywhere, are they? If you were my neighbour, I'd be very annoyed.
Also, could you be attracting rats and other vermin too?

Put food in the proper food recycling unless you've got pets who will eat it.

Are there any children going? You could say very loudly to them and in front of her that food will be ready shortly and they must only take what they will eat because overfilling their plates and then leaving food is rude and its inportant to have good manners.

It is very annoying to see food wasted !! However, if Shes not over v often I would suck it up rather than have to strategise how to avoid her wasting food, just too much effort and stress.
the empty hands is annoying too, that’s probably easier to fix, ask her outright to bring something specific.

I know someone like this - she has an eating disorder, and almost all of the comments others are suggesting would make this immeasurably worse.

She takes a big plate at a buffet and talks about HOW MUCH DELICIOUS FOOD she's eating before casually abandoning the plate somewhere. Especially pudding - OH GOSH HOW NAUGHTY BUT IT'S JUST SO LOVELY - then eats half a mouthful, then uses that as an excuse to restrict for the rest of the week.I think she thinks nobody knows.

Serving someone at a bbq would be strange. Especially just one person.

The only thing i'd do is make a point when cleaning up that there's alot of food on her plate and ask if she's finished

Yeah, passively aggressively make shitty little digs at your guests about how much they do,/don't eat!
Least it'll stop them wanting to come to any of your future events I suppose, so job done I suppose 😁
(Seriously, if people are getting that wound up about someone not eating all their sausages or whatever, it might not just be the sausage waster with issues...)