Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

327 replies

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:11

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

OP posts:
jetlag92 · 01/05/2025 09:13

If he doesn't wake up to help in the night anyway, what's the point of him being there at all?

RandomMess · 01/05/2025 09:13

How grim. As he actually doesn’t help out in the actual overnight perhaps it’s time for him to “sleep” elsewhere.

Original poster
SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:15

jetlag92 · 01/05/2025 09:13

If he doesn't wake up to help in the night anyway, what's the point of him being there at all?

I can wake him up if needed to help change the bed or get medications. Although I manage the rest of the time. I have said this to him, but he apparently wants to be here.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 01/05/2025 09:16

If he's not there to cover nighttimes he should have the sofa. If he objects to that then there are good quality double airbeds out there.

Get him out of your bed. Reclaim your territory.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/05/2025 09:16

Giving up your bed sends a signal that he's in charge. How helpful is he, would carers be more help and better for your mental health?

Darkambergingerlily · 01/05/2025 09:16

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/05/2025 09:16

Giving up your bed sends a signal that he's in charge. How helpful is he, would carers be more help and better for your mental health?

This

Viviennemary · 01/05/2025 09:17

The whole set up is unacceptable. But he should be free to do what he wants if you have asked him to be there. You can't control what he does, he is an ex.

Grecianrainbow · 01/05/2025 09:17

Of course he wants to be there. He’s lording it over you by sleeping in your bed. Is he actually helpful?

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 01/05/2025 09:17

If you and your child need him there overnight, just focus on that. You can’t control what he does on his phone. Put it out of your mind. You’re well rid though, he sounds awful…

Ilovemyshed · 01/05/2025 09:18

I would not be giving up my bed. Regardless of if you wake to sort out DC, sleep in your own bed and make him take a spare or pull out.

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 09:18

Its your choice to have him there and if you do think its beneficial for YOU then carry on but there is no way he should be in your bed

Hillsaremyhappyplace · 01/05/2025 09:18

It’s not up to him, it’s your house. I wouldn’t stand for him in my bed. The talking to women is a red herring.

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/05/2025 09:19

Presumably you don’t sleep next to your child when he’s not there so why do you have to when he’s there?

rainbowstardrops · 01/05/2025 09:21

You are being unreasonable to let him sleep in your bed when he doesn’t even wake up!!!
If he wants to stay over then he should be on the sofa. Reclaim your bed woman!

ReacherOMGyes · 01/05/2025 09:22

Talking to women or not is irrelevant, he's loving the fact he's staying in your bed thats why he wants to stay over. I bet any women he's getting involved with don't realise he's sleeping in his ex's bed half the month

Tell him he's not having your bed any longer, he sleeps on the pull out or he can bugger off. He's a twat

justkeepswimingswiming · 01/05/2025 09:22

If he can’t be arsed to wake up to his child, then he doesn’t need to stay the night.
Id also make him sleep on the sofa, stop giving him your bed.

Pricelessadvice · 01/05/2025 09:23

Why is he even staying over if he’s not waking up to see to your child?
I don’t see why he needs to be there.

RipleyJones · 01/05/2025 09:24

Christ what a waste of space. No he doesn’t get to be in your bed sexting his girlfriends having a wank. 🤮

You're doing brilliantly with your child. Can you get a carer to help you?

toomuchfaff · 01/05/2025 09:24

jetlag92 · 01/05/2025 09:13

If he doesn't wake up to help in the night anyway, what's the point of him being there at all?

This.

If he doesn't wake up for the ill child, why is he staying over?

Just go home when child is put to bed.

Endofyear · 01/05/2025 09:25

I think you probably don't need him staying over in your house at all. He's not even doing the majority of the childcare when he's there if you're sleeping in your child's room and he's in your bed.

If I were you I'd put a stop to him staying in your house. Realistically, you can't stop him talking to other women on his phone when he's there.

Original poster
SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 01/05/2025 09:26

Get him out of your bed. Would you give a carer your bed? no.

You're giving him the signal he is more important than you, that he rules the roost. That his comfort is paramount!

Stop that. It's your house. It's your bed. Get him out of your bed.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 01/05/2025 09:28

You know he’s not just “talking”? 🤮 Either he helps, or buggers off. No point to the man.

toomuchfaff · 01/05/2025 09:28

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

If its not your want for him to be there then stop it.

"he wants to be around more" tough. Get the equipment at his own house to have DC overnight.

Don't have to have him there. Stop letting him have so much say over your household. It's your house. Your rules. You don't want him there. Don't have him there.

AnonWho23 · 01/05/2025 09:28

If he's not doing nights there's no reason for him to be there. He can come and help during the day and leave. If you have an emergency you can call him.

I think your unreasonable to tell him who he cam and can't talk to. However, I wouldn't want him pulling one off in my bed but that's not going to stop with a bam on talking to woman anyways.

Reclaim your bed.