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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

327 replies

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:11

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

OP posts:
IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 01/05/2025 09:29

Stop giving up your bed for him. That’s the one single place that should be just yours. If he’s going to stay over and be fucking useless anyway he can kip on the sofa or a blow up bed elsewhere in the house.

The contacting other women in your bed or otherwise… wouldn’t be an issue if he wasn’t allowed in your bed in the first place.

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 09:29

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

Come on OP, I know you have a lot on your plate but take back some control here
You can allow him to come to your house if YOU want because you need his help and/or feel it is beneficial for your child but you have no obligation at all.
Just tell him that if he chooses to visit then he either needs to leave at bedtime or sleep on the sofa or wherever
He is your ex (presumably for good reason) so stop letting him tell you what to do, who cares if he whines that you are "abusive"

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/05/2025 09:30

He sleeps on the sofa (if he is going to help in the night) or in the child’s room and your bedroom is your private space. Text and explain how it will be going forward and it will be better soon. You need your own space. You really really do, and it’s not unreasonable to draw a line. I’d ignore who he’s texting or whatever and just keep my bedroom separate.

Itsseweasy · 01/05/2025 09:30

He is demanding to stay and you are allowing this but also allowing him to dictate the conditions too!
You may have a child together but this is your house.
I feel you may not have the energy to deal with him & his demands on top of everything else in your life but I think you need to find it in you to stand up for yourself here.
You are so far beyond unreasonable- he needs to get on the sofa if he’s demanding to stay, not kicking you out of your own bed! He sounds absolutely awful.

RipleyJones · 01/05/2025 09:31

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

He’s being abusive to you, in your own home.

The new rules for your sanity and to stop his emotional abuse, should be that he can come and help, then he leaves and comes back in the morning.

AelinAG · 01/05/2025 09:32

Change your locks and tell him he won’t be staying over. He can see DC during the day. How he gets to and from your house is not your concern. If he refuses to leave at the end of a day, call the police.

TheMimsy · 01/05/2025 09:35

Sorry @SaunterOff are you alluding to him having a wank? If that’s going on I’d definitely be oiking him you room/house.

Honestly - could you manage without him for all the help he is and the hassle (mentally and physically) of having him in your private space?

I think you need to make a decision about access and weigh it up. Yes it would be harder without him. But the breathing space and privacy..

mumonthehill · 01/05/2025 09:35

Is this abuse and you giving up your bed worth the help he gives you? If not then put in some boundaries. It sounds like it is adding to your stress not taking it away. No more giving up your bed, this should be your safe, quiet space.

BMW6 · 01/05/2025 09:35

Tell him to do one and fuck off. He's "marking his territory" like dogs do when they piss against things.

It's YOUR home. He visits with YOUR permission. Tell him he can visit but its the sofa or nothing.

Don't let him piss on you any more.

TreeDudette · 01/05/2025 09:36

I would imagine you are totally exhausted and arguing with your ex is just one more hurdle you don't need. However if he is not providing any help overnight then you need to tell him he can't stay. If he is providing help then you need to balance if it's worth giving up your bed but if it was my sick child I'd happily sleep on the sofa so his mother could get a full night's rest! You are not being abusive, your dick ex is controlling your behaviours with his foolish twatery.

BMW6 · 01/05/2025 09:37

AelinAG · 01/05/2025 09:32

Change your locks and tell him he won’t be staying over. He can see DC during the day. How he gets to and from your house is not your concern. If he refuses to leave at the end of a day, call the police.

Absolutely this ^^

ItGhoul · 01/05/2025 09:37

As others have said - don’t let him have your bed. He’s taking the piss. The whole business of him staying over isn’t working or serving any purpose if he isn’t actually doing any night care for your DC.

If you are going to let him have your bed, I don’t think you can really expect to police what he does on his phone while he’s in it. I completely understand why it bothers you but ultimately you can’t stop him. You’re not being abusive asking him to stop, but you can’t make him. Ultimately you have no way of knowing what he’s doing on his phone.

That’s assuming that by ‘talking dirty to other women’ you mean messaging them on dating apps, rather than FaceTime calls or something. Of course he shouldn’t be having any conversations you can hear or letting anyone see the interior of your bedroom - if he’s doing that, it’s absolutely out of order.

Ponoka7 · 01/05/2025 09:37

I agree that he shouldn't be staying in your house, unless he is taking over the night/early morning duties. Then he shouldn't be in your bed. I can totally understand why you haven't had the head-space to argue back over this. But do so now. He is emotionally abusing you. It's his last ditch attempt of controlling behaviour.

bigboykitty · 01/05/2025 09:38

What everyone else has said. And don't lend him your car either. He's an abusive cunt.

Sassybooklover · 01/05/2025 09:38

How much do you actually need him to be there? If he's not much use, then he doesn't need to stay over. It seems to me that he's insisting on your bed, rather than an alternative because he believes you NEED him there, and therefore it gives him power over you and the situation. He doesn't get to say he wants to stay, if you don't want him too, it's your home, not his. He either takes the alternative bed, or doesn't stay, the choice is his. You are allowing him too much control over you and your home. Honestly, the chatting to other women, whilst in your bed, is irrelevant, you have bigger issues, than that going on here.

ItGhoul · 01/05/2025 09:39

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

OK, this is absurd. Of course it’s not abusive to make him sleep on the sofa. Stop the overnight stays entirely.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/05/2025 09:39

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

If this is something that your ex-husband wants but you don't, stop giving up your bed for him. He is using your son to keep abusing you. Does your DC like having him there? If he doesn't care, I would stop having your ex in your home.

JosephGeorge · 01/05/2025 09:40

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

Then stop - tell him he's not going to be sleeping in your house (let alone your bed!) any more. Tell him the offer of using your car is no longer on the table. Tell him he can visit during daytimes if he wants, but he will have to make his own arrangements for transport. Stop enabling this, he's no help with your child, he's got no reason to be here. It's a way for him to mentally abuse you.

I bet you feed him and do his washing while he's there as well...

YourWildAmberSloth · 01/05/2025 09:41

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

This is weird. Why are you allowing him to control you still? It is your house. If you don't want him to stay at night, then you tell him and he does not stay. You keep repeating on here that you don't want him to stay, but you are basically rolling over and giving him your bed. It makes no sense OP. Tell him that he cannot stay, he can visit in the day and then needs to leave. At the moment he's like a dog piss-marking his territory. Stop offering solutions, he's a grown man, he can get himself home, he does not need your car. You need to put some boundaries in place.

TwoBlueFish · 01/05/2025 09:42

Tell him you need your bed so if he wants to stay (which I would discourage) then he can have an airbed. If he’s no help at night then there’s no point in his being there. Is he actually helpful during the day? Do you cook and clean for him when he’s there?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 01/05/2025 09:43

How is this ridiculous set up going to work if either of you get new partners?

If he doesn't do "night shifts" then he only gets day visitation. He either sleeps in the child's room where he has a better chance of hearing him/her or he fucks off home before bedtime.

Poppyseeds79 · 01/05/2025 09:43

The chatting to other women online is a complete red herring. It's neither here nor there, and doesn't matter at all. Plus you'd not have a clue if he's doing it or not anyway.

The staying overnight when he's neither use nor ornament is the actual issue.

  1. Zero point in him being there.
  2. He shouldn't be in your bed.
  3. This is an unrealistic/unsustainable way to go forwards.

Tell him his services 'helping out overnight' are no longer required. He sounds like a controlling git, and you sound like you're picking the wrong battles to get het up over OP.

Aweddingoneee · 01/05/2025 09:43

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

You’re letting him control you and giving him power in your home. Get him out of your bed for starters.

femfemlicious · 01/05/2025 09:44

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/05/2025 09:19

Presumably you don’t sleep next to your child when he’s not there so why do you have to when he’s there?

This is what I'm wondering too. Irregardless of any reason, get this man out of your bed for God's sake. @SaunterOff do you sleep in with your child when the ex isn't there because that's the only way this can make any kind of sense

PurpleThistle7 · 01/05/2025 09:44

Poppyseeds79 · 01/05/2025 09:43

The chatting to other women online is a complete red herring. It's neither here nor there, and doesn't matter at all. Plus you'd not have a clue if he's doing it or not anyway.

The staying overnight when he's neither use nor ornament is the actual issue.

  1. Zero point in him being there.
  2. He shouldn't be in your bed.
  3. This is an unrealistic/unsustainable way to go forwards.

Tell him his services 'helping out overnight' are no longer required. He sounds like a controlling git, and you sound like you're picking the wrong battles to get het up over OP.

Was going to write exactly this. Who cares who he is talking to, that's not actually the issue here.