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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

327 replies

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:11

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

OP posts:
Sunnyglowdays · 01/05/2025 10:09

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:15

I can wake him up if needed to help change the bed or get medications. Although I manage the rest of the time. I have said this to him, but he apparently wants to be here.

Show quote history

What do you want? It’s your house, you get to choose who stays over.

MattCauthon · 01/05/2025 10:10

had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

OP, I recognise this. Not you specifically, but abusive men like this. SIL had almost exactly the same issue. HIS view was that he should be with the DC at her house (in his case because he doesn't have a suitable place to have them) and he was outraged when she put boundaries in place around that. Eventually, she had to stop him coming at all - sad to say, as a result, they haven't seen him for nearly a year.

You need to nip this in the bud. Does he pay CMS or do his nights at yours count as him doing his share of overnights!?

I appreciate how hard this is if you've had years of this man's disordered thinking when it comes to you, exacerbated by an ill child. Here's what I would do:

Discuss with the carers. Tell them your concerns that when your ex is staying overnight, it does not particularly help you. Ask if they have any particular reasons to believe he should/should not stay overnight on occassion.

Then decide if you are wiling for him to stay - my instinct would be that he can stay a few nights, but not the number he currently does, but you might decide a flat no.

Then, feel very clear in your own head that in your home he sleeps on the sofa/blow out mattress etc.

Then, I would tell him this while the carers are there. Explain that you are comfortable that you don't need him this much and tell him what you think makes more sense. Also calmly tell him that you will be making up a bed on the sofa/mattress etc in future so if that impacts his decision on how many nights he spends at your home, you completely understand.

However, be prepared fo rhim to use this to punish you. He will accuse you of all kinds of things (like taking him away from his children, abusing him, manipulating him etc). He may well also threaten to punish you, most likely via the children - he won't visit, he won't pay (if he does at the moment - I'm guessing he doesn't) etc.

My best advice is to feel 100% confident that no rational person would think that what he is demanding of you is necessary or acceptable and remind yourself that he is not rational. He will be believable and you will feel bad because, and htis is crucial, he actualyl DOES believe th shit he's telling you. But that's the abusive behaviour as a result of his own disordered thinking.

boredwfh · 01/05/2025 10:10

This sounds abusive! It’s his way of keeping control
pf you! It’s your house, your bed, he doesn’t need to stay & you don’t need to accommodate him so much. This is classic DARVO. He’s saying you’re abusive when it’s him that’s clearly being abusive himself!

Britneyfan · 01/05/2025 10:11

Well I said YABU originally because in a situation where you have mutually agreed that he spends much of his time at your home due to a child with serious health issues, then it would be in my mind overly controlling to say he can’t use his own phone to communicate with potential partners, I had missed the “talking dirty” to these women though which is a whole other ball game. And then you added the rest of the context to this, including that you don’t actually particularly want or need him there, so I now think he is the one being completely unreasonable here (and I’m sure he is doing this exactly to “Lord it over you” and deliberately wind you up as others have said). I’m 100 percent sure that you are not the abuser in this scenario. You do not HAVE to let him spend time in your home, much less your bed if you don’t want him to. Absolutely ridiculous of him to suggest it’s abusive of you somehow to not give your ex husband your own bed in your own house when he decides he wants to stay overnight. It sounds like he lives close enough that he could theoretically go home at nighttime anyway and that you don’t feel he adds anything overnight help-wise. Tell him you’ve changed your mind about this arrangement as it’s not working out for you.

femfemlicious · 01/05/2025 10:11

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:57

I do sleep in with DC at times when he isn’t here. After surgeries, and any relapses in health or after seizures. I’d say on average around once a week. On a particularly bad night I’ll give up walking back and forth and sleep in their room.

Show quote history

Ok, just get him out of your bed!. This is your house, if he wants to stay then he can stay on the pull out bed. You can get a baby monitor for your child. Just ignore whatever he says about "abuse"!.

thinktwice36 · 01/05/2025 10:11

Eating your food, using your electricity, gas, to for almost half the month. Does he pay maintenance?

what a prince

titchy · 01/05/2025 10:11

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

Stop trying to offer solutions. They are for him to sort out. ‘Sorry Dave but I no longer want you to stay overnight here unless you are prepared to sleep in the same room as dc or on the sofa.. You can be here till 9pm and return at 7am as now so as to not lose time with dc, but the logistics and the choice are yours to sort, not mine.’

And when he says ‘Oh but that’s not fair, it’s too much hassle, it’s this that or the other’ you say ‘I’ve said all I’m going to say. It’s up to you how to proceed. Let me know in due course.’ Then ignore.

Original poster
SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 10:12

pimplebum · 01/05/2025 10:06

By controlling what he does on his phone you are acting jealous and playing into his game

if he’s wanking then that’s a different matter and yes you can ask that he doesn’t

can’t understand what he is doing there ?
get him out if your bed

I guess this is true, I am jealous. Not over other women but that he has the time and headspace to be able to do this. As I said it’s the last thing I can think of doing, both DC are my life, I do not get breaks, I don’t at the moment have the headspace to even read a book.

The irony is I cannot wait for him to have a proper relationship with someone else as I feel it’s the only way he’ll finally leave me alone to my life.

But yes I still don’t want him, or anyone wanking in my bed.

OP posts:
sparkles02 · 01/05/2025 10:12

If he’s not doing the overnight care then he has no need to sleepover for a start. I would put my foot down if I was you and tell him he has to go home overnight. Stop allowing him to do what he pleases. The only way this is semi acceptable is if he lives miles away and moving back and forth would take hours.

As for asking him to not message in the house that’s unfair unless he’s consistently on his phone and ignoring DC, the bed again he shouldn’t be in your bed. If he’s insistent that he wants to sleep over then he should be in with DC doing the nighttime care.

I think you need to put boundaries in place. Tell him he can have his weekends etc but he has to go home at night unless he’s willing to do the overnight care (which in my opinion he should be doing anyway if he’s there).

Lovelysummerdays · 01/05/2025 10:12

I think you need to work on your boundaries. He doesn’t need to stay and in your bed. He can come and go at times agreed by you. He should be thanking you for your generosity for inviting him into your home instead of playing a victim.

Not surprised you’ve thrown this one back.

godmum56 · 01/05/2025 10:13

I agree, why do you agree to his being there if he's no use?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 01/05/2025 10:15

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 10:12

I guess this is true, I am jealous. Not over other women but that he has the time and headspace to be able to do this. As I said it’s the last thing I can think of doing, both DC are my life, I do not get breaks, I don’t at the moment have the headspace to even read a book.

The irony is I cannot wait for him to have a proper relationship with someone else as I feel it’s the only way he’ll finally leave me alone to my life.

But yes I still don’t want him, or anyone wanking in my bed.

Show quote history

Oh good heavens OP - so much affirming advice and you respond to the criticism that you're jealous. He really has done a number on you.

How able do you feel to challenge him and get him out of your bed and possibly hoiuse overnight?

MattCauthon · 01/05/2025 10:15

But yes I still don’t want him, or anyone wanking in my bed.

Definitely make sure he no longer uses your bed. It's completely unacceptable.

thinktwice36 · 01/05/2025 10:17

Why don’t you just say “you can no longer sleep in my bed” nothing to do with wanking in it. It’s just your bed and you’ll be sleeping in it?!

WellINeverrr · 01/05/2025 10:19

"Abusive" 🙄 Why do these losers always claim to be abused when getting pulled up on their shitty behaviour? Pathetic.

femfemlicious · 01/05/2025 10:19

MattCauthon · 01/05/2025 10:10

had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

OP, I recognise this. Not you specifically, but abusive men like this. SIL had almost exactly the same issue. HIS view was that he should be with the DC at her house (in his case because he doesn't have a suitable place to have them) and he was outraged when she put boundaries in place around that. Eventually, she had to stop him coming at all - sad to say, as a result, they haven't seen him for nearly a year.

You need to nip this in the bud. Does he pay CMS or do his nights at yours count as him doing his share of overnights!?

I appreciate how hard this is if you've had years of this man's disordered thinking when it comes to you, exacerbated by an ill child. Here's what I would do:

Discuss with the carers. Tell them your concerns that when your ex is staying overnight, it does not particularly help you. Ask if they have any particular reasons to believe he should/should not stay overnight on occassion.

Then decide if you are wiling for him to stay - my instinct would be that he can stay a few nights, but not the number he currently does, but you might decide a flat no.

Then, feel very clear in your own head that in your home he sleeps on the sofa/blow out mattress etc.

Then, I would tell him this while the carers are there. Explain that you are comfortable that you don't need him this much and tell him what you think makes more sense. Also calmly tell him that you will be making up a bed on the sofa/mattress etc in future so if that impacts his decision on how many nights he spends at your home, you completely understand.

However, be prepared fo rhim to use this to punish you. He will accuse you of all kinds of things (like taking him away from his children, abusing him, manipulating him etc). He may well also threaten to punish you, most likely via the children - he won't visit, he won't pay (if he does at the moment - I'm guessing he doesn't) etc.

My best advice is to feel 100% confident that no rational person would think that what he is demanding of you is necessary or acceptable and remind yourself that he is not rational. He will be believable and you will feel bad because, and htis is crucial, he actualyl DOES believe th shit he's telling you. But that's the abusive behaviour as a result of his own disordered thinking.

💯💯💯very much like my ex husband .

Starlight1984 · 01/05/2025 10:20

Regardless of what he's doing on dating sites (which to be fair if he's single then is entirely up to him), you can't police his phone usage and control who he speaks to.

However WTF is he doing in your bed?! How can you be ok with that?! If my ex came into my home - for whatever reason - he wouldn't be sleeping over! And if he was, it would 100% not be in MY bed!!! He can sleep on a sofa / air bed downstairs and you sleep in your own bed.

I think you need to start putting some boundaries in place here. The first one being, telling him he no longer sleeps in your bed. He can sleep with your DC and you sleep in your own bed (if he won't wake up in the night if DC needs him then I would ask what the fuck he's even doing there!). Or he gets the equipment he needs for DC in his own home.

Sounds extremely unhealthy all round.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 01/05/2025 10:21

It sounds as if you have more important things to worry about.

If this "problem" really is distracting you from your child then maybe XDH shouldn't stay.

femfemlicious · 01/05/2025 10:21

WellINeverrr · 01/05/2025 10:19

"Abusive" 🙄 Why do these losers always claim to be abused when getting pulled up on their shitty behaviour? Pathetic.

To them, you are abusing them when you don't do exactly what they want, when they want, how they want you are supposed to let them do whatever they want and STFU. if you say anything, you are abusing their manly need to be in control. I'm living it.

Starlight1984 · 01/05/2025 10:24

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”.

Why are you giving him options?! It's your house!!! Tell him what YOU want and expect if he's going to be there.

It's not up to him where he sleeps in your house!!!

Vaxtable · 01/05/2025 10:24

I would tell him he sleeps in the pull out bed and had better start waking up

whitewineandsun · 01/05/2025 10:25

RipleyJones · 01/05/2025 09:31

He’s being abusive to you, in your own home.

The new rules for your sanity and to stop his emotional abuse, should be that he can come and help, then he leaves and comes back in the morning.

Show quote history

This. He's a bastard loving the power. In no known universe should he be in your bed!

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2025 10:25

jetlag92 · 01/05/2025 09:13

If he doesn't wake up to help in the night anyway, what's the point of him being there at all?

Yes exactly. He can bugger off and come in during the day.

Hadjab · 01/05/2025 10:26

SaunterOff · 01/05/2025 09:25

I do have carers in the morning and evening for DC, recently the hours were cut due to funding. I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more. If it was down to me he’d be completely out of my life. There are times when DC is especially ill or after more surgery that I do sleep in with them, for ease and speediness.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive. I have offered him even to use my car to go home say at 9-10 in the evening and come back in the morning but that’s “too much messing about”. The problem is any solution I’ve come up with I’m also told how wrong I am. Again keeping in mind I haven’t asked him to be here.

Why are you letting him walk all over you?

This is your home - you set the ground rules. If he doesn't like them, he can bugger off, and if he buggers off, you know where his priorities lie.

JLou08 · 01/05/2025 10:27

From reading your comments he is the abusive one. He is using your child's illness as a way to continue his abuse of you. Stop the sleepovers, you don't need him there, he is just causing you more stress.