To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

You do actually have a say in what people do in your own home though. Like asking someone to take off their shoes when they come inside, or not swear in front of your children. These are things you can’t expect of people out in the world but you can insist upon it in your own home, or be told to leave.

The issue here is I think that people are considering this the ex “helping” the OP. But this is his child and he’s carrying out his responsibilities as a parent but is seemingly unable to do this without also disrespecting the OP. His behaviour is disgusting.

If you want this to change OP, unfortunately I suppose it will be down to you to manage alone or arrange carers. Perhaps you could say to the ex that if he cannot make the current situation work in a respectful fashion then you will pursue him for payment of the carers your child needs.

I had offered the sofa, an airbed, or another pull out but apparently again all of that is abusive

It’s so sad that he told you this, while expecting you to vacate your own bed for him in your own home. Because it is he who is abusive. I think you should be able to stay in your own bed in your own bedroom and lock the door while he is in your home, if he has to be in there at all. To be honest, the dating sites wouldn’t bother me so much: it’s the complete invasion of your space and privacy and his utter sense of entitlement.

Best wishes as you navigate this situation.

Sorry replied before reading all your posts, OP. Just tell him he can’t come round anymore because he’s vile and let him take you to court to arrange seeing his dc. Bet he won’t.

Tough, if he’s not helping there’s no point

This! With bells on

@SaunterOff stop this arrangement immediately

he doesn’t need to stay if he is of no use.

You do actually have a say in what people do in your own home though. Like asking someone to take off their shoes when they come inside, or not swear in front of your children.

Well yes but those examples actually affect the household or the people in it. Her ex texting women at night in bed doesn't affect anyone else.

It's ridiculous he's there in the first place if he doesn't even get up with the child in the night and the fact he's in the OPs bed whilst she's in with her child is insane. But if you're going to be ok with that set-up then you can't police who he is on his phone to! Just like if I had guests to stay and let them sleep in my bed, I can't give them rules as to what they can and can't do!!!

When we got a puppy, our friend who is a dog handler in the police said that beds are a big deal to dogs and show where they are in the pack. He said it was important for our toddler to get in our dog's bed to show the dog he was allowed to do that/was higher up in the pack. Similarly the dog shouldn't sleep on our bed/the child's bed because it sends the message that he is higher up in the pack.

Your ex turfing you out of your own bed/ insisting he can't sleep anywhere else seems to be a control/dominance move at this primitive level. Don't believe him when he tells you that you are abusing him by telling him to sleep elsewhere. It is absolutely not. Your bed and bedroom should be your safe space, not covered with him.

I think it's disrespectful. He can do what he wants when he wants in his own bed at his own home. If he is over to help care for his ill child then that's what he should be focusing on , not getting off in your bed. Very disrespectful!!!!!!
It does come across that he's intentionally trying to make you jealous, and saying if he can't then neither can you , is very wrong. What you do in your home in your bed is up to you. He should keep it to his own bed at a time he's not helping care for your child

He is emotionally abusive.

You are the primary carer here - you get the bed. I would either offer him the sofa if you are feeling generous, or the door.

You know you are doing well with your DC as you have asked for feedback and you also have a neutral opinion that your ex undermines you. Personally I’d tell him this isn’t working and tell him to come back in daytime hours and to go home to sleep.

I am really sorry you’re in this position and I hope that you DC is making progress

You need to stop caring when he whines “this is abusive.” Just give him a chair in your child’s room and tell him he is welcome to stay awake all night caring for child or go home. At the very least keep your iwn bedroom private snd locked. Tell him he can sleep on the floor or make his own arrangements as you are done catering for his wanking self.

Stop trying to make things easier for him—he is abusing youunder the guise of helping his own child which is horrendous behavior on his part.

I just wanted to acknowledge what you are dealing with here, an abusive ex and a a very sick child ! , it’s easy for us to be strident in our opinions and advice but I wanted to tell you you are coping brilliantly is a mega hard situation and to please take all our advice in the tone of a best friend who cares about you and wishes you all the best ((( hug)))

If he is the one insisting on staying then he sleeps in the bedroom with your child or else on the sofa/ blow up bed

Take your bed back

There is no need for you to be in your child’s room as you are not in there when he ( your ex Dh ) isn’t there

This might put him off staying so often

Asking him to sleep elsewhere is not being abusive, stand up for yourself

Hope your child is doing ok ❤️

Just to make it clear, I don’t want him in my bed and when he stops staying here I have already decided to purchase a new bed, mattress and decorate my room. I have never asked him to stay or to stay in my bed, as I said it was what he decided.

I wish I could be as strong as so many of you, at the moment I can’t, as I said I don’t have the time or energy for the most simple of self care things and having to be the main support for both DC is very hard. I don’t have support myself other than from those who are paid to be here. No family and friends who rightly have their own lives and families.

I feel that yes perhaps my issue is rather than who Ex is messaging etc on his phone or whatever he’s doing that it’s actually my resentment towards him, I’m laying on a pull out worrying about DC thinking about the night ahead, tomorrow, all the things that need to be done whilst he’s in there doing what he wants. I don’t have the same resentment when he isn’t here. Life of course is strangely better when he isn’t around.

I will talk with women’s aid, and probably early help again as he’s not going to go without a fight. He was previously abusive but again I’m naive enough to have thought that having an ill dc and being divorced he would have been easier to deal with.

I really do admire the strength of so many of you and I will come back to keep reading these posts. It is very difficult when someone is accusing you of so much and I don’t know if I am behaving like that or not. But thank you all.

Exactly this you can tell guests to remove their shoes outdoor coats, not smoke, eat in front of the tv as yeah it’s your house your rules but asking them not to message or be on certain apps is unreasonable. Doesn’t matter who it is it’s their phone and therefore can do what they want with it. If your giving up your space and bed then really they can do what they want in said bed / room. For me guests wouldn’t get my bedroom. I don’t care who they are it’s my personal space and where I want to be comfortable. They can have the spare room/pull up bed/sofa. If they don’t like it then tough sleep elsewhere. I would then also treat that space for the duration of their stay as their personal space to do what they wanted. Obviously I’m not going to put up with loud sex noises/music etc but it’s there space when they stay to do as they please. In saying that I would never let an ex stay anyway.

I think OP just needs to set boundaries about having DH stay the night. If he stays it’s in DC room or sofa if not then he goes home. If he doesn’t like that then he doesn’t need to be there. I

i am so sorry Op. it’s an impossible situation and now that it’s been going on for a while I appreciate it will be harder to change things. Is there any sort of natural break in the routine coming up what would be a good opportunity to reset everything from scratch? Could you have a friend stay for a few weeks so he just can’t stay over or a sibling or cousin or anything? I know you said your upbringing was chaotic but maybe there’s someone. Then text him the new schedule and stick to it. Overnights are ridiculous in this situation and he’s just using them to entangle himself in your future.

is it totally impossible that while he’s there you just go elsewhere? Would he definitely not look after your children if he had to? I see that it’s such a difficult scenario to be in but you really need to disentangle yourself from this.

and I would just stop asking what he’s doing on his phone - nothing to do with you and the petty resentments are distracting. There are much bigger problems here and you need to stay focused. He’s picking up on your jealousy and enjoying it, even if it’s not the sort of jealousy he thinks it is.

Don't offer him the sofa or pull out bed, tell him that that is what will be happening. Alternatively he can pay for additional help for you in the evenings and stay out of the house. I think the chatting to women is a red herring - the issue is that he is SLEEPING IN YOUR BED! I bet he feels so smug. What a waste of space.

I feel that yes perhaps my issue is rather than who Ex is messaging etc on his phone or whatever he’s doing that it’s actually my resentment towards him, I’m laying on a pull out worrying about DC thinking about the night ahead, tomorrow, all the things that need to be done whilst he’s in there doing what he wants.

Why are you not lay there thinking what the fuck is my Ex husband doing in my bed whilst I sleep on a pull out and care for our child?!?!

I recommend you talk to a single parents group like Gingerbread
They are SO helpful in situations like this - abusive narc exes can be dealt with even when it feels like they can't.
There is no need for him to be in your house. Seek community support and backup. Good luck

I would tell him that he was no longer needed during the night. Why put up with all this extra stress when your child needs 100% of you?

Do you help more in the day or at night could you change carers to be around at night so you are not on your own. You need him out of your house op. He is projecting his own behaviour at you. Life sounds tough op and I don’t think you need him making it tougher. It doesn’t sound like he is helping much either.

You’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’ve been dealing with all of this and you’re still standing, you’re still going and you’re doing a great job.

You ARE strong.

You just need to find that extra little bit for a while to deal with the abusive, controlling arsehole. Once it’s sorted you will be in a better place. It’s your home, he does not get to decide he’s sleeping there and he sure as shit doesn’t get to take your bedroom when he does. You’re laying down while he stomps all over you.

I really do hope you reach out to women’s aid. You also mentioned friends are busy with their own lives but please don’t let that stop you asking for help or just trying to have a conversation. Surround yourself with as much support as you can, talk to anyone and everyone about what’s going on and then tell (not ask - tell) him what is changing. Put a lock on your bedroom door if needed.

It’s YOUR home, he can only step foot inside it if you let him.

Life sounds exhausting. It's easy for us to be strong on a page but you actually have to deal with this abusive man.

Is there any possibility of him getting the equipment needed so he could have DC at his house? Or perhaps taking your other DC to his house a couple of weekends - use the excuse of a sort of break for other DC? Thus strategically reducing his time in your house by 2 weekends as a start?

It isn’t possible for me to leave him with DC overnight. DC2 that isn’t ill has frequently before all of this asked to come home when he was having them overnight, stating they would be crying themselves to sleep and dad did nothing. Or dad gets grumpy.
I have had a day out and come back to DC1 being ill and needing a hospital visit but ex not noticing his deterioration through the day. Of course that was also my fault for going out and leaving him with them both.

What can I say, he has me over a barrel at every turn. I wish I had written this a long time ago.

It's your house, you have final say. Like fuck would i give him my bed!