To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

DB doesn’t live close, few hundred miles away from me. Of course we’re in contact but after a particularly nasty physical attack from ex I called DB and he was broken by it, he said he couldn’t know what he’d done as he feared what he’d come and do to him himself. He said I needed to leave him and move to be closer to DB and his family. So it’s very difficult to ever talk to DB about ex.
Friends are there but not like they used to be, since DS1 becoming ill and more dependent, and never having anyone to look after him for me to socialise. A few of the carers are more like friends now with them being here every day.

It’s very strange, I haven’t had anymore messages or calls from ex, ds2 hasn’t on his phone either. I don’t know why it’s almost more unnerving than the constant messages and threats I was getting yesterday.

He’s pondering his next approach, wait for it, someone like him doesn’t just give up and let (what he thinks is) ‘you getting the better of him’

Do you have a ring doorbell? Is your home secure? Have you told the careers not to let him in? I'd report all his threats to the non emergency police number so you have a record for future reference.

Just realize this is a war. There may be calm periods, there may be violent clashes, but its all part of the war.

His goal is to abuse you any way he can. He uses the excuse of the children but if there were no children at all he would dimply use some other excuse.

Your goal is to end the interactions as much as possible. Delay them. Keep them out of the house. Avoid being there during hand offs where possible. Involve other people where possible. He can do the children only harm. All the more so because his contacts with you are so degrading and cruel that his continued contact with you is degrading your ability to cope with your children’s needs.

To the extent you are required to facilitate contact try not to be involved or present. His gosl is to see you and wind you up. So agree he can see the children but then have the handover be at school and don’t be there. Have it be an hour with a caregiver. Never overnight. Public spaces only. Log and challenge every bit of poor judgement he shows.

The duller the experience, the less he has access to you , the sooner the game loses interest for him.

Great advice above. Unfortunately I agree, this is the calm before the storm and that unnerving feeling you have is your body warning you in my experience.
As above, have you got a ring doorbell? Could you speak to neighbours and just say to them if they hear anything shouting to immediately call the police. Could you have a codeword with your brother that if you text or say it on the phone he knows you need the police called. Could even put this in place with your kids, not specifically about dad but a code word that only you guys know which helps you to understand how each other are feeling, especially with carer always in and out and the situation with dad.
Make sure your phone is always charged up at all times. Maybe invest in a portable charging thing as backup. Your ex knows your routine so something to be wary of. I'd also inform the schools that there has been a recent change due to the ongoing abuse being too much and making that change for you and your kids. Email them now so they have it first thing Tuesday morning.
Once you've been practical enjoy your peace. As hard as that is, it takes time and I am still struggling.

Is moving closer to your DB something you could consider OP? I appreciate with your child being so sick it wouldn't be easy, but might you be better off being closer to him and having his support?

He sounds like a freeloader
Whilst he’s staying at your house he’s not using any gas/electric or water at his own place, is he using your food and other stuff too??

The courts may well say it is better to facilitate contact in your home but it has It get to court and you said he is tight as anything so he is not likely to want to pay and he wont get legal aid. As he is neither use nor ornament to when he is there ,it about control . You have offered to do contact and if his place needs sorting out, tell him to contact you when it is sorted. i would be surprised if he goes quietLY so do take care and keep safe.

This is not about what he wants or what he says should be happening! It’s your home and he should not be dictating to you what is reasonable! Please don’t give up your bed for him. If you doesn’t help overnight there is no reason for him to stay over. Take back some control, if he wants to be it should be on your terms and NOT his!
Him talking to other women isn’t relevant here… be more focussed on how badly he is treating you.

This is not about what he wants or what he says should be happening! It’s your home and he should not be dictating to you what is reasonable! Please don’t give up your bed for him. If he doesn’t help overnight there is no reason for him to stay over. Take back some control, if he wants to be there it should be on your terms and NOT his!
Him talking to other women isn’t relevant here… be more focussed on how badly he is treating you.

Stay strong lovely.

Hope you're enjoying your peace and have been able to stay strong. Hope the kids are okay. Remember, you're doing really well!

It'd likely that the silence is punishment. How that plays out will vary but at its core, the goal is to disappear so that you worry and/or seek HIM out because of the dc. It's entirely possibly he will stay silent until you contact him asking when he is seeing the kids. At which point he could continue to ignore you (to ramp up the uncertainty), respond as a victim to make you feel bad ("well, it was obvious you don't want me to see the kids so I thought I should just go away" or "your behaviour is so toxic and unpleasant i couldn't cope and needed a break from all of you") or, possibly, respond in a saravsrix/aggressive way designed to make you feel defensive ("well, now you are in touch aren't you?! You just want something from me. I could have been dead and you wouldn't have cared. How does it feel to be the one on the outside for a change?".

I'd avoid contacting him if you can. If you do feel you have to, be factual and ask a basic question and be prepared to ignore any attacks on you.

You can enjoy the silence, @SaunterOff , even if that's not his intention 🙂

He intends the silence as punishment. You need to treat it as respite.

He thinks you will break and beg for help. You don’t need his help, because he doesn’t actually provide any. He turns up, demands dinner and masturbates in your bed.

Hold your nerve, don’t contact him until his next scheduled contact time with the children- then just send a factual message that the children are available for contact at his house.

I would contact (in writing /email, to make it traceable) the organisation who provide carers if I were you . I’d say that you have been informed that your ex-husband has made inappropriate comments to some of the younger staff, and that you have now asked for all of his contact with the children to take place at his own house. They may wish to consider their staff scheduling in order to safeguard their staff.

I wouldn’t worry about court ordered contact in your home- there IS a suitable alternative, your ex has a home- he just doesn’t want to set it up while he has an excuse to control you. He’s not homeless, or living in e.g. a halfway house /drug recovery unit.

Another thing you could consider is requesting a meeting with the safeguarding lead at your child’s school. You can explain that your husband is using the children to exert coercive control, you are attempting to take steps to withdraw from this and move to the children having contact in his home, but ex has threatened to make malicious reports of abuse. They will make a confidential report of the situation, but if he does make malicious false reports the relevant organisations will share information.

Stay strong- you’re doing brilliantly.

I haven’t lost my nerve, I’ve not contacted him, I had a trickle of messages from him, more criticism of me nothing about seeing the boys so ignored. I’m not reading them in depth just scanning for anything about the boys.
Ex MIL has emailed, how the boys will know the truth about me one day….all those sorts of things. Ex FIL has attempted to call, I didn’t answer, he’s not like his wife or son but they can easily manipulate information from him so it’s not worth it.
Both boys have come down with colds/hayfever, always worrying with DS1, my time has been focused on them and trying not thinking about what ex is going to do next so much.

Ive begun noting the messages from the other day ready to log with the police when the boys are back to school. I’ve emailed the schools, safeguarding and both teachers. I’ve spoken to my neighbours as I don’t have a ring doorbell but they have a camera, they have said they will kindly include it to cover my path too.

I haven’t felt well myself overnight and this morning, it’s definitely the stress, nothing feels right within me.
Thank you all for the messages, information and support. I wish you could all come over for tea and biscuits.

Ex MIL has emailed, how the boys will know the truth about me one day

Block the mother in law, you don’t need to deal with this nonsense, she will then probably start contacting you through the FILs phone though so don’t be surprised if you get some nasty texts from his phone as well

Stay strong OP! You have done everything right and gone above and beyond to try and keep the peace so don’t ever doubt this. Think of us all having a virtual cuppa and a biccie and all telling you the same thing … look after yourself and the children and block the ex and the toxic in-laws! Good luck

@SaunterOff you sound very isolated. There’s a virtual pub on the SN boards for random nattering should you need it. It is enormously hard looking after our dc even with out ghastly invasive xH in the mix. Hang in there you’ve done brilliantly.

Well done for ignoring them all. Interesting he's got his parents to intervene (bully you).
And well done for doing all that work on logging abusive texts etc and contacting safeguarding staff. It's brilliant that your neighbours have helped with the Ring doorbell.

You really have got this and there's lots of women on here with support if you need extra back up

@SaunterOff nothing to add, other than solidarity. You are doing the right thing in standing up for yourself, and what is best for your DC. Stay strong, and keep checking in for support. Go mama bear! Fight for your cubs, and yourself. Sending hugs and a virtual cuppa

He goes silent, fires up the flying monkeys. So predictable. You've got this @SaunterOff . So impressed 🙌🏽

Exactly
He's a bloke, he's doing more than sexting

Masturbating in his ex's bed? Come on, that's plain horrible and I bet he gets a kick out of it.

He doesn’t have you over a barrel j it st because he is useless

This is the time to put your foot down and get hard on him. Tell him to go home and if he thinks you are abusive then that is just his opinion. You are divorced, he doesn’t live with you . I would love to know how telling him to go home to his address is abusive and if he really really think that is the case then he should call the police and let them laugh at him.

I haven’t at any point asked Ex to be here, this is his want to apparently see DC and help more But he isn’t helping. So why is he staying

He needs to go home and if he wants to see the dc then he needs to go to court and prove he knows how to look after dc. If he undermines you again ask him to talk to the health visitors to voice his concern. Also if he has such concern then maybe dc could move to his place permanently and you will visit him and stay in his bed for 12 nights per monyh