To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

Make him sleep in the pull out, you stay in your bed and get a baby monitor.

Just because he says its abusive doesn't mean it is. And just because he wants something doesn't mean you have to give it....

He shouldn’t be in your room. Can he have a camp bed in the dc room that needs care or sleep where you sleep or in the sitting room?

That's what I thought

I dont understand the arrangement at all. I cant think of any circumstance when I would do that. It also doesn't sound like he is helping - if you are in the child's room, how is he helping? TBH, I dont think you can dictate what he does while he is at yours, dating websites or not. That he is in your bed is irrelevant. Would you be OK if he was on the sofa doing it? As long as he is not having loud phone sex then he can do what he wants, however grim that is for you. Everything this man is doing is unreasonable, in the guise of being helpful and he has you over a barrel. Have a think, with help from friends if you can, as to what he actually does when he is there and whether you can cope without it. If he only stays over 12 times, then presumably you cope on your own the rest of the time. If it is access that is a problem, that is his issue. If he cant have them at his house then he cant have them over night. Or you could go away for one weekend a month and he can stay at yours. If he really wanted to, he would adapt his home, find a new one, etc. He isnt, because he doesnt want to. YOu will have to think carefully about how you tackle this, as he wont like you pushing back, but disconnect on the dating issue and think about contact and access.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ridiculous - please stop this.
What is the point if he doesnt help at night?
He doesnt sound like any help at all really...

Also if youbdont normally need to sleep in your childs room when he isnt there why do you need to when he is???

If you must put him in with your child and have a baby monitor
Do not give the arsehole your room or bed!!! What an invasion of privacy.

None of the sleep arrangements make sense though...

Can he be left in sole charge? If so I'd go out in the day and leave him to it or have him take his child out

You aren't abusing him by not wanting to listen to his bullshit and the fact you are posting and asking indicates bad boundaries probable because he's been reampling all over them for years...

Your house, your rules
If he wants to 'chat' then he gets the couch

So many of you are right. I’m absolutely exhausted with this man, I was so relieved when the divorce happened and I’d got my own home and life back until DC became ill.

He has said many times to me that he doesn’t think I can cope with DC and the illness, that I don’t do enough research on the care DC needs and he knows better. Clearly the time he isn’t here both DC are more than ok and I’ve asked the carers so many times if I’m looking after DC correctly, they say they have no concerns at all. Carers are a lovely team and are often irritated by Ex presence. They dont know his accusations of abuse though.

I’m from a dysfunctional family and have no support at all from them, Ex will use this against me. How I’m just like them and DC will be subject to the same upbringing I had.

The only thing I have is a few years ago when DC first started becoming ill we had early help involved and they picked up that Ex would frequently undermine me, but once all the support was put in place they closed the cases.

DC that is ill, is always happy to see Ex, DC that isn’t ill isn’t bothered by him and has said they will go to dads for a day to see him.

I feel like he has a hold over me with the DC, as I said he has and always will say I’m abusive and anything he has ever done is “reactive abuse”.

You need to stop this arrangement with him. What is the equipment he can't have at his house?

Stop giving him your bed. He doesn’t help overnight so he doesn’t need to be there overnight. He’s gaslighting you, stop providing solutions.

It sounds as if you have to let him in to access the ill DC, but that’s it. This should be about your children and your X is making it about him. Time to grey rock and kick him out of your bed too!

I do sleep in with DC at times when he isn’t here. After surgeries, and any relapses in health or after seizures. I’d say on average around once a week. On a particularly bad night I’ll give up walking back and forth and sleep in their room.

Get a lock for your bedroom door and tell your ex DH that you are no longer allowing him access to it. He can sleep on a sofa-bed downstairs or in your DS’s room on the pull out bed with maybe leaving his bed room door and your bedroom open slightly when you are sleeping so you’ll hear your DS if he wakes.

Find a solution that will work for you so your ex isn’t sleeping in your room.

My gut reaction too.

just bin this whole arrangement off. You can cope alone. Him being there is thus zero benefit to you. If he wants to “be here” then he can sleep on the sofa. I wouldn’t trust him to abide by your rules in your bed.

be there for what?! He’s not doing much!

pah. I can see why he’s an ex.

You don’t offer him the sofa, you TELL him that’s where he’s to sleep. And if he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t stay over. You’re the one in charge here, make sure he knows it

Op I so understand the terror and exhaustion caring for a very sick child. My exh left when my sick child was 10. He moved away but used the fanily home as a base in order to see child. What we did was he visited twice a week plus birthdays Christmas etc. during the week time I went out for a few hours and he did whatever caring was necessary. It sounds to me as if your ex is using the staying as a convenience. I’d suggest if he stays he does the caring and stays in Childs bedroom. If that doesn’t work he goes home. I don’t know how you can stand him
sleeping in your bed. I put a lock on my bedroom door to ensure mine never had the chance to go prowling. I’d imagine though that once he starts a new relationship properly he’d naturally stop staying over.

I do think you’re being unreasonable to try to control what he does on his own phone yeah, you’re divorced, I don’t see the difference between him texting a friend or a woman really at that point.

But if the set up isn’t working for you then stop the overnights.

What???!!!!
Hell no! It’s your house and YOU decide when he’s there and where he can sleep!!!!
Start putting your foot down and taking back control. He doesn’t get to call the shots here!

You need to stop offering your bed. He can sleep in with your DC on an airbed and you have your bed as you always do when you are waking in the night to care for him? If Exh gets woken up 🤷‍♀️ tell him to take it or leave it.

He still wants to control you! Cut the overnights now. “Sorry that doesn’t work for me any more”

Grey rock method. If he says your abusing him, 🎻

Just because your ex says that something is abusive, it doesn’t mean that it’s abusive. He clearly uses the abusive line to manipulate you into giving him what he wants- control over you.
I understand that life is so stressful for you that you may not have the energy to fight him but as this is your house, it’s perfectly ok to send him home at night if he’s not going to buy himself an airbed or use your sofa. I would stop him using your bed.
Yanbu to think that he shouldn’t be wanking in your bed but you know what he’s like and won’t obey your request because he doesn’t respect you and there will be a childish part of him who gets off on doing what you said he can’t.

Get him out of your home....

By controlling what he does on his phone you are acting jealous and playing into his game

if he’s wanking then that’s a different matter and yes you can ask that he doesn’t

can’t understand what he is doing there ?
get him out if your bed

He was very controlling during your marriage wasn't he? He's doing that again here. He does not get in your bed, if he wants to stay over he can use the sofa or make his own way home. Don't offer the car you may need it. You are not being abusive he is and he is gaslighting you

Yes, this. Ignoring the whole problematic situation...how do you even know who he is messaging? Out of everything, this seems an odd hill to choose to die on.

“Not have your bed, that’s abuse”

”no it’s not, don’t be stupid”

this is all the discussion required.