DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

He sounds very cold and emotionally distant. If he is to have the child for days or nights over, then you can't really control who the has in the house at the time. She will eventually be meeting his new partner anyway.

I hope you can seek counselling and move forward as a happy single person.
Getting a job would be a good step forward as well. And in the meantime make sure you're also on all benefits you're entitled to. You should try and make sure you're less reliant on him financially. He'll have to pay towards the kid but you'll need to fund your own life.

Don’t kid yourself. He’s not house sitting. He’s with her. Get angry. Get a solicitor and an accountant. Get backdated CC, loan, mortgage, bank statements, etc… You will soon see how long he’s been romancing her. You will be entitled to half of that amount. Set up your own bank accounts and cc cards and get your name off anything mutual.

Sorry he's a cunt OP. I would seriously consider engaging a forensic accountant as this loser will try and screw you over I guarantee it. Good luck. Your
life is going to be so much better down the line...💐

When he turns up go out or upstairs. Stop listening to his shit, learn how to grey rock and start shutting him down.

Sooner you divorce and stop him coming into your home the better.

So sorry this has happened, his actions sound cruel. Get your ducks in a row quietly, and move on as best as you can.

Not to be rude, but…what medicine did he take to manage the ADHD?

do not do yourself down.
by you staying at home it enabled him to concentrate on the business. He wasn’t encumbered by sick days, school holiday, the home admin etc.
a lady of leisure is actually the one on 24/7 call.

make sure you see a solicitor and get what you are entitled to from the business. he’s done a number on your self esteem to make you feel like he’s done you a favour. It was mutually beneficial.

House sitting in London, my Aunt Janet. He encouraged you to give up work, then said you'd made yourself unambitious. He's saying that because it helps his narrative of not being the bad guy for having an affair and abandoning the family. If you'd been working, he'd have said you were too career driven to be compatible with him.

Get a great solicitor - do you have a share of the business, and do you know what bank accounts he has? I'm afraid you need to protect yourself and get back to work.

This is why women are always told to be independent and not rely on a man.

You need to get a job.

If you own the business 50/50, you should be thinking of it as “our” business rather than “his” business.

Assert yourself more OP, you can no longer be a lady of leisure and need to be proactive in moving your life forward, without your DH.

Don’t focus or waste your energy on the things you can’t control, like whether he introduces OW to your DD, it’s up to him who he allows around her.

Spend your time preparing for going back to work, organising what you need in terms of childcare, CMS and divorcing this man once you’ve worked out all the above.

He sounds like a massive knobhead. Ignore the women hating women going on about being a SAHM you didn’t know this would happen. I hope everything works out for you, you and your daughter deserve it. Can you get family or friends to help when communicating with him? Do they know what hes like?

So sorry OP.

Firstly, he’s a twat. Like, a really big one. He will know that you love Christmas so that was deliberate. The constant negging is likely because he has low self-esteem so has to put you down to make himself feel better. He’ll think you’re better than him which is why he has to bring you down.

How involved a dad was he? 50:50 or someone who had to have everything handed to him ready to go> He doesn’t sound like he wants a family which is heartbreaking, but it’s not your fault. You haven’t done something to break things, he has. Family life is boring and hardwork and not everyone has the character for it. If you’re a SAHM, his inadequacies will be constantly on display around your DD. Every time she goes to you or you know where something is or you’ve remembered a birthday party, bought the present, dealt with the RSVP…every thing is a reminder he doesn’t do any of that basic stuff.

On to you. Start thinking of all the things you can do without him. Have you lost who you were before you got married & had DC? Find her again. Your house can have all the stuff he wouldn’t want, you can listen to music he didn’t like, watch what you want on the telly, paint the kitchen bright green…whatever you want to do. You’ve got 50% of the company and you’ll need that when you divorce. Make sure you have current records from Companies House and get copies of the accounts. Assume he’s going to screw you over (he’ll need all “his” money to fund his new exciting life). Blokes like him quickly change the “it’s our money” when things start going south. Don’t sign anything and make sure you get a solicitor to look over any offers he comes up with. Even if you’ve done nothing with the business, legally you are entitled to 50%. Bet you supported him when setting it up, though. You taking care of DD and the house enabled him to work.

Onwards and upwards x

Men NEVER leave unless they have the next guaranteed shag lined up and waiting. Never.

I'm sorry. You and your kid deserve better.

He's used your unpaid labour as a launching pad for his success and he's the worst kind of man.

However, there's nothing you can do about who he introduces to your DD when it's his parenting time.

If you do, it will be used by both of them to show that you are bitter and jealous and won't coparent. Holding on to the anger will just hurt DD in the long run.

My advice- take the high road. He has done what he has done- that's not going to change. Try to embrace (not literally, that's weird) the GF and hopefully she will be good to your DD. None of this was her fault. Try to save coparenting disagreements for the more serious stuff and let go of the differences of opinion. Use the time he has her to focus on yourself and work out what you want.

If you want revenge, get it by channelling your energy into getting everything you want rather than him.

I think you should engage a solicitor asap. If you're a share-holder in the business, then you will need a pay off if he wants you out of it. Do not simply resign and leave him to it,

You don't need to listen to his lectures any more. Don't engage with him. Insist he sees his DD outside of your home. Agree a schedule with him when he has your DD. You can't stop him introducing a girlfriend, so don't even try.

Take control of the situation you are in now. Seek legal advice. Be cordial and matter of fact when he's collecting/dropping off your DD. Remember you own half the business, so keep a close eye on paperwork/bank balances and go not sign anything or agree to anything without legal advice

Every time he starts to lecture you, just stop him immediately. Say "spare me the lecture" or "you're in no position to lecture me, so stop it now" or "just fuck off with your demeaning and pathetic lecturing
Your choice...

So much good advice.
So much support here.
Just to reinforce your to do list.
Solicitor+/- forensic accountant
Advice about the business. (Your joint business not his, try to get as much info as possible).
No access for him to the house - grey rock if you need to but this is your space. If you know you'll need to sell start by emotionally separating yourself from the house and get your own space asap. Hard but it will make you feel so much better.
Set up 50:50 care plan asap. Or at least one which is set in stone so you get time off to work / sort all the above.
Self worth - start doing a yoga or pilates class. Often wonderfully supportive and lovely people.
Read a good book that will help you recover and plan with hope- WE by Gillian Anderson is good. Perhaps others could recommend too.
You can absolutely do this and you do not owe him anything at all.
Chin up, know you are loved - look at all these total strangers who are telling you you can do it!! Hell, if you lived anywhere near me I'd turn up with a bottle of gin!!
There's no point in wasting life or energy on arseholes. Its a choice and you can and will surround yourself with people you like and everyone else can f right off. Xxx

This

Some great advice on here. I know it's really hard but you can control what you respond to.

Like others have said, get all your paperwork in order and get legal and financial advice.

Only communicate with him on matters concerning the business or your child.

If he starts with the "go getter" nonsense then ignore or shut it down. Tbh he sounds like he's headed for a fall, swung too far into over confidence. Balanced people don't behave like that.

I agree with everyone else in that he was cheating on you, and this whole 'You're not ambitious enough' was a cover story for leaving you for her.

@TheHerboriste Hold on......you're not expecting women to juggle & handle everything that Oldglasses pointed out AND also have a full time job???

Also agree with @ThreeLocusts . Maybe he was disappointed that you weren't contributing as much financially what he'd like, but at the same time, some men don't really know what they want from a woman. I wonder if that applies to him too.

A part of them wants her to be the sort of stay-at-home housewife mother figure as that makes them feel good and dominant.....but then they also find it a turn-off as fundamentally they don't respect what women do in the domestic sphere.

It also requires them to be the breadwinnner, which means that if they're not particularly generous generally, as people, they'll be really analysing carefully what their money is getting them. Unless everything is perfect and they get their way most of the time, they're prone to getting resentful and feel the woman is sponging off him and taking advantage of his good character.

Those conflicted men are also prone to that because they want someone more 'ambitious', someone who matches the high regard their hold themselves in, some who matches their own success.....but when they get that, they feel emasculated and a little envious that their mates' partners are more domestically orientated.

For the time being, his girlfriend will fulfil the later need, but I wonder how long it will take for the shine to wear off.

Also, it's irresponsible and emotionally insensitive to introduce his girlfriend to your daughter this soon. That's a red flag, and shows he's incapable of understanding the way that children think & feel about these scenarios.

"House sitting" = Shacked up with the new bird....

He's a wanker. He was struggling and you supported him. Now he's not struggling hrs taking the opportunity to elevate himself and belittle you. He needs to make you less than to big himself up and stroke his own ego. What a horrible, sad, little man.

When is he saying all this shit? I wouldn't engage with him about anything other than contact with the child. If he starts talking to you about you shut it down. You need some quick replies..

Where not together so my lack of ambition really isn't your concern. Let keep conversations about DC.

I really don't care for your opinion on that let's take about DC.

If he's texting you this shit I'd just 👍or👌him.

He's getting something put of the interaction. He's boosting his ego off of your back or he likes having the power to make you feel bad. Don't give him that power. He's a nasty, cheating, two timing, condescending dickhead.

As for the work. It's your business 50:50. You made decisions as a couple and he changed the goal posts. You should get a job for your own emotional wellbeing and independence. However, it's very rich talking about your lack of ambition when he's only seeing his kid twice a week and making you tied to the school run and parenting. He doesn't even want to that alone that's why he needs to introduce the nanny with a fanny so quickly.

Anyhow, he's a wanker. Stop listening to his shit. He's nothing special. He can't even be loyal.

How often is he coming to you? What is the purpose of these visits? Surely he should be focused on seeing his child? If he’s not I question if he’s using the visits to try and manipulate you/keep you in “your place” in relation to your next steps, which should be getting a good solicitor to argue for financial support and your part of the business

DH would be terrified if you did score a top job. He’s weak and silly.

Well he's clearly failed if he had any ambitions of being a great father and husband. Or even a decent one. What a loser.

Remember that whilst he might consider the business to be mostly his (morally), as he has actively done more of the day to day work, he has only been able to do this, because you were looking after his child. If you hadn’t done that, he would have had to do more child care himself, thus leaving less time for his work. He probably won’t see it see that way, so make sure you get a good lawyer, who can get that message across.