DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

You got to school for half past 2 to collect ??!

Ask yourself why didn't he help you with your self esteem during the marriage rather than tear you down. In my life I blamed my self esteem for lack of progress in my career. But if my ex had raised me up I would have excelled. But he didn't want that because his own self esteem was in the gutter. Perhaps the same thing happened to you. You would have felt better about yourself if you weren't with him. He sounds nasty like my ex is. Give yourself time to heal and read lots of self help books. They helped me. You can do it!

Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

This feels like the epitome of gaslighting.!
You do understand op, that when he says that he is deliberately knocking your self-esteem in order to make you feel bad about yourself!

Please try not to let these spiteful comments get to you

You don’t have to justify having some free time when your DD started school. You aren’t harming anyone by doing that. Presumably, DH wasn’t running the house and looking after DD, before leaving you. You may have gained a few hours a day, but still have plenty of responsibility.

I understand you are sad and feel lost, but really you are better off without him.
The I've outgrown you speech is cruel and shortsighted- you loved him before he fell on top of the world, but you didn't see the real him- he is shallow and not in the least loving, you deserve far better. Insist he does any relationship for at least 6 months before introducing DD- he is likely to go through girlfriends with an attitude like that.
It very likely is a midlife crisis, but he is definitely not worth waiting around for- you need to rebuild your life with DD without him in it, you have been very wrapped up in homelife and didn't see this coming- you need to broaden your horizons and get back in the job market, making sure DH takes his share of the childcare and responsibilities, if he loses interest make sure you get a good solicitor and and decent child maintenance payments. It's tough but you will emerge stronger and happier-good luck.

He's doing you a favour!

He sounds insufferable. Like one of those “Podcast Bros”.

Theres three books I recommend you get;
-Why Does He Do That- Lundy Bancroft
-Kick Ass Single Mom- Emma JohnSon
-It’s My Life Now- Meg Dugan

After I separated from my partner, I was at a super low point. I’d had to leave my job prior to having my “surprise” baby so a lot had happened to ruin my self esteem. Add in some cheating and a sick child and I was at rock bottom. Self esteem truly in the bin.

You need to accept that he’s going to do his own thing but you don’t have to let that interfere with your life. The next time he has a lecture for you, grey rock him. Nod, a few “hmms” and “I’ll make a note of that .” You aren’t a pet project and none of his concern anymore to bully. Knowing his type, he’ll try to get a rise from you so the first thing will be him introducing the girlfriend.

You also need to reduce reliance on his money. Get a formal Child Maintenance order- even if lower than what he gives now. Sign on to benefits. Stop the ship from sinking in any way possible so you don’t need his money as money is control. There’s no shame in doing what you’ve got to do to steady yourself . Once cash flow is sorted, then start looking for a job. You’ll have more confidence having been single and coping for a while.

Youll also want to look at counciling. Go to your GP to get the ball rolling as the waitlist is long. It will be so helpful.

The ultimate aim will be your own place, your own income and your own life. The peace you will feel is something else. I live with my daughter and it’s just us two. I’ve never been happier. There’s no anger or sad emotions to constantly judge. We make our own home. It’s lovely.

I won’t lie. Life will suck for a bit. But you will look back in a few years and think “Thank Fuck he’s gone!”

You're not being unreasonable but he'll do it regardless because he must show off what a grand father he is.
Look lovely its so hard when the pain is raw and you're juggling with a little one on your own, i know I'm here doing it almost the same scenario- myself and my ex split when my lo was 11 months old. Now she's 3 and the anger and hurt I felt broke me for a long time. I tried to move on and realised that I like it on my own with my little girl. But the thing is even if you don't feel like it or don't see it, you will make it work day by day, and it'll get easier in time. If he's belittling you, achieve him like someone suggested, make it clear to him (even if it hurts you) that he is only to discuss your child and that's all. Get some legal advice too about childcare, divorce and finances day by day lovely. You will be okay and remember this your little one will also be by your side giving you strength, i know my little girl did.

Friends exh’s business didn’t even have her name anywhere on the premises or on who owned the business and it was valued and entered as a marital asset which he kept as part of the divorce settlement whilst she got the house.

Hmm, this is where you need good legal advice. On the surface you may be entitled to a share of the business. Could it be split? Would you accept him buying you out (which would give you a lump sum to use to start up something else)?

Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

Or the fact you have a child who needs looking after. If he had the same responsibilities I wonder how ambitious he would appear

I'm so sorry OP, what a dreadful position to be in.
My guess is the 'low self esteem' is partly down to him treating you badly and undermining you at every turn.
Do you have family, good friends you can turn to for support? I hope so.

What a total piece of selfish S * you have for a husband. Sorry you need to put your foot down & get on with the rest of your life without him. He has never grown up. !!

Just awful.

Is this an ad for adhd meds though?

First things first. Give yourself some Grace - you have had a massive shock.
Second - see a lawyer. You need impartial advice as you cannot be impartial with the emotion of it.
Third - check if you have a restrictive covenant in your contract with your husband's business. If you do, you may come unstuck trying to set up a competitor business.
Four - next time he talks about his self esteem, tell him your self esteem is just fine now you have lost 180lbs ie him!
Five - repeat after Me.... I am a strong independent woman who is raising a fantastic daughter and who is more than capableof looking after us both. Repeat daily, preferably multiple times so your brain starts to believe it
Lastly- good luck. You have got this x

The business should be valued together with the house, jewellery, watches cars furnishings and any savings, pensions and investments you both have. Everything goes into one pot and the judge awards you with a percentage

Then you can divide up the amounts according to the valuation. He might take the business, a car the living rooms sofa and some of his pension .You might keep the house a car and the rest of the furniture etc and get some of his pension transferred to you.

It’s very clinical and precise. If for instance you are left with a car worth £5000 and you need £3000 and he needs £2000 to make up the totals Either one buys the other out or the item gets sold and the proceeds divided up accordingly

Yes, Yes, Yes !
He’s been helped by you but now he’s happy to abuse you. What a fine specimen he must think he is , remember this is not an unusual scenario. You’ve been groomed into thinking you are defective so he doesn’t have to feel so guilty.
You are not alone , contact your local Women’s Aid. They will help you enormously and talking to them will start your self-esteem recovery.
Good Luck, take good care of yourself .

Then he can buy you out.

Yeah except women or at least alot of women, still do the housework, childcare, and other domestic responsibilities!

Definitely get yourself to a solicitor. You need to get things in motion that take his opinion out of the equation.
He sounds like a right toilet goblin, he needs flushing back to the sewer he crawled out from.
If the business is 50/50 Bexhill need yo buy you out. And you need to look at finances and your housing situation ( is it owned or rented) . You need to take emotion out the equation and ensure you and your daughter are secure for the future *I've been there it sucks but it does need doing before he jumps to it first and tries to pull the rug from under you. Going on how he's conducting himself it is very likely.

You don't need flexible work. You get wraparound care and look for a full time job.

How very unsympathetic

Hey op sorry you are going through this. I hate it when I read these posts when the dad just pisses off to start again with a new woman without a thought to there kids.
I know you won’t be thinking straight this is why you need to act now look at your business accounts & bank accounts see if he’s done anything to move money. See a divorce solicitor asap if you have any doubts remember he thinks nothing of you he doesn’t care he ruined Boxing Day so he could hurt you on purpose. he could have done it another day but he’s cruel and heartless where you are concerned. he’s moved on you need to be strong now get your ducks in a row get your independence and if he says anything about your lack of ambition remind him who was taking care of him when he was a nobody. If your dd has to meet new gf just explain she is daddy’s friend and not yours no idea why a woman wants to meet a kid after such a short time. The other thing you could do is tell him you might need him to step up so you can work and you should discuss 50/50 alternative weeks so he doesn’t always get the freedom to do as he pleases. Maybe you should also consider him buying you out of the business if it’s doing well that could give you money to live off and when your ready then set up again. There is no point doing it whilst you are going through all this crap. You have options look into all of them . Good luck.

And this.

Sorry you’re experiencing this.Use it as opportunity to liberate yourself from his criticism
Think about seeing GP for a review regarding your anxiety, consider self referral to talk therapy
Think about working and getting your mojo back