DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

It sounds like you are a thoroughly decent person and a great mum. Please try some counselling or therapy, if it’s possible, to help your self esteem and to believe in yourself. If you’re achieving the reliable, honest and loving mum status you appear to - then you have accomplished far more than your ex ever has to date. You sound so deferential, not just to your ex but to many people on here. You supported him with his adhd, helped him back on his feet etc it was supposed to be a partnership not a competition. I understand the financial implications you’re facing, - and you sound determined to remedy this - I think you sound wonderful.

Thank you so much, that is incredibly kind xx

Well I hope you didn't give him the marriage certificates! He left you, you're not his life admin anymore. He can order them from the Registry Office like everyone else who needs a copy.

As per the others, you need an EXCELLENT solicitor ASAP.

I did!! I’m such an idiot!!

Well you could always sell your half of the business to someone he can't stand OP.

Dude you need a solicitor,.like yesterday. It sounds as if he has got balls rolling, is way ahead of you and is confident in your compliance to get what he wants. You need a hand.

I believe that if you make an enquiry with any solicitor, they'll no longer be able to represent him. So contact all the very good ones locally to make sure he can't use them.

Hope it all goes well for you eventually, and that he has to buy you out of the business for serious £££.

@AnonWho23 😄I like the thumbs up response.

Contact every lawyer locally.
OP I know you think you’re not strong, but you are! You just need to get mad and find it. HOW DARE he say and do these things to you, screw him!!
Take him to court and get every single Penny you can, force him to accept that you’re his wife and mother of his child and he can’t just walk away.
I genuinely believe you can do it!!

@DreamySloth - have you checked out Wikivorce and read Divorce for Dummies yet? You really should.

don't forget to order a replacement marriage certificate and collect all financial documents.

then see an experienced family solicitor.

oh….. and don’t forget to change your username…….. WideAwakeTiger?

It doesn't matter what you did previously it's what you do now going forward. Find your inner strength he's a dick head who ain't worthy of your time or love.

Why?

I’ve been thinking the same.

This is why a woman shouldn’t be dependent on a man, especially when there is only one school-aged child. I’m sorry, OP 🙁
He should have communicated with you when he first started to drift apart, or at least tried to.
But if he wasn’t unfaithful to you (I wasn’t clear on this from your post), then sometimes people move on from each other and it’s one of those things.
I totally understand your heartbreak but would be a bit surprised if it came as a total shock (if you’re being completely honest with yourself).

How would that help anyone? As revenge moves go, this is not a good one.

Good one! 👏🏻👏🏻

Just wanted to tell you to keep your head up @DreamySloth. This will all be really overwhelming now, and I’m sure you feel like your world is ending. I promise you, it isn’t.

Your h seeing someone else is nothing to do with you or your ambitions, it’s to do with his issues and insecurities. He’s choosing to blame you because it’s easier than accepting the true reason - that he’s a selfish knob who wants the validation of another relationship to make him feel good and doesn’t mind hurting those who truly care about him to get it. He will have been justifying his shitty behaviour like this for a long time which is why he’s been putting you down. I don’t know how old he is but this behaviour just screams mid-life crisis, something which I’ve experienced in my own marriage.

I know it’s really tough and reading your posts is heartbreaking. I truly feel for you. But the best thing you can do now for you and your dc is get your affairs in order. See a solicitor. Make sure you understand your finances and start using your spare time to care for yourself rather than worry about him and his motivations.

I know it’s the hardest thing in the world and I’m not saying never think about it, but try and limit it to perhaps an hour or two a day and your therapy sessions. The rest of the time focus your energy on looking after you. Do your research on new roles, find the best solicitor and go and see them, do whatever exercise you enjoy whether it’s a walk or a class - whatever you like (it helps with the anger too), book yourself a massage or a facial or just have a bath but care for yourself the way you have cared for him all these years. You need to build yourself up right now after his horrid treatment of you. And do tell your close friends. I know it makes it all seem final but you need them right now and they will support you.

At the minute he thinks that he still has you as an option. That he could come home at any time after his little fling and you’ll be waiting. He won’t like it one bit once he realises that you aren’t listening to his bullshit criticisms any more and you’re moving on. I know how tough it is but dig deep and find your inner strength. I promise you it’s there and it will sustain you through this, even though I know it’s the most painful experience you have ever had. You can do this and we are here for you.

And change the locks

Actually on Mumsnet I've seen SAHDs called cocklodgers because they haven't run straight out and found a part time job; even though they're the ones doing all the childcare, housework etc.
I've even seen them be called "not real men, because real men don't allow their wives to be the breadwinner"

This!

You haven't done that to yourself. He's done it to you. It's the results of emotional abuse.

All those years he's been putting you down and chipping away at your self-esteem and getting cross/sulky/upset every time you tried to make a choice he didn't want/like. The behaviour he's displaying now won't be new, if it's there now it was always in him and I'm willing to bet it came out in numerous subtle ways you didn't pick up on. You've noticed now because firstly, you've time away from him while DD is at school or in bed giving you a chance to think for the first time in 5yrs and secondly, he's ramped up his behaviour so it's more obvious now.

Think back to how capable you were when you met him, doing everything, being everything, taking on the running of his life as well as your own. That's who you are, she's still in there and you can get her back in time.

Don't worry about feeling passive, you are where you are, for now. Use the collective wisdom of MN to help with the thinking and just focus on taking action. If you're unsure whether to act on something, consider first if any harm can come from it.

What happens if you gather financial information and do nothing with it? You end up with an organised bunch of paperwork and a good overview of where your life's at financially.

What happens if you see a divorce solicitor and don't get divorced? You spend a bit of money and gain knowledge which you can then use for the future if you change your mind.

If you prevent him coming into your home to emotionally abusing you further, what happens? You feel better and start to heal mentally and he can still see DD away from your home. He still has access to the home when you're not in there with your key in the lock (so he can't put his key in).

None of these things are harmful, so do them anyway. Even if, right now, you can't really think of a reason why.

I had this guy who lied about his age.
What should I tell them.

Don’t listen to them. You were a SAHM and he was obviously happy for this to continue. He probably didn’t want you to work so he could control you.

I know reddit isn't usually mentioned here but the subreddit ADHD_partners on it may make you feel less alone

So, you're not unreasonable, you are human, the feelings you feel are natural.

The law, however is not in your favor. You cannot dictate how he spends his access, likewise nor can he to you.

Your personal feelings on the matter need to be put aside and it's hard co parenting l, even amicable co parenting.

This.