DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Imagine cheating on your wife and then having the audacity to criticise her self esteem.

His decision to have an affair had nothing to do with you being 'unambitious' or any other alleged fault of yours.

He simply decided to lead with his dick and discarded you. It's a massive character flaw on his part, in other words.

Get a solicitor and make sure your home and a visitation order are put in place asap. Also, get child support established.

Yes to every word of this.

He's been gaslighting you for ages by the sounds of it, making you feel so inadequate without his input. We can all see him for what he is, a narcissistic arsehole.
Btw, he left you on Boxing Day because he promised his gf that he would leave you after spending Christmas with you for his daughter's sake As for the house sit in London, he's staying with her 100%.

He sounds like a real arsehole. You supported him during his difficulties and now he on the up and had successful treatment he’s buggered off. This difficult time will certainly make you much stronger and more resourceful (trust me, I’ve been there) and it will pass in time. I wonder how he’ll feel when you are on top of your game and have a new partner? I think he’ll be rather miffed. Treat him with the contempt he deserves. Good luck and hug.

That's some tone, youre not the gf by any chance are you? If not you appear to be projecting.
Of course she has a say on who he introduces the child to! This is a big deal for a kid. It's too soon. What if it doesn't work out? It's not fair to expect a child to deal with the break up of her parents plus accepting his new gf, and then if that one doesn't work out, another one next month?
He sounds bloody lovely btw

I'm a little confused...You say you're entirely financially dependent on him but then say:

'We own his business 50/50 and I’m now going to start out on my own.'
Surely if you're partners in the business and even if you don't contribute physically if this is an official bona fide business then you're entitled to 50% of the profits and this does not constitute being 'financially dependent' in my opinion?!

Firstly surely it can't be considered 'his' business if you 'own it' 50/50 but I'm obviously not an expert in business law and you really need to get legal advice ASAP I think to establish exactly where you stand and also to make sure that he is not ripping you off as well as everything else?!
You owe him nothing, no consideration nor loyalty as he has shown none to you and he is just behaving like the self centred opinionated up himself mean spirited person that he probably always was but you never noticed because you were too busy, initially caring for him, then running a business and a home and being a parent etc etc!!! Grrrrr!! 😡

Everyone is assuming he cheated and it is most likely true but regardless if he has been seeing someone for 5 weeks or more I don't think it is unreasonable for him to introduce your child to her. You can request to meet her first, I personally feel this is extremely important to gauge what sort of person she is.
If she or he refuse that, then say that you aren't happy for your child to be around someone that you don't know. When the time comes and you meet someone know he will likely wish to do the same. You can also create a contact agreement between the two of you, if you haven't already, in which you can include boundaries when it comes to new partners. It is much healthier to compromise and work together than to outright say you don't like it, he will probably just do what he wants in any event. Showing you are willing allow her to meet the gf,within your comfort boundaries, will make for easier co parenting.

Unhelpful and unnecessarily cruel comment imo.

Don't chase him!
Fkn replace him!

To be in this situation is hard. My exh left with my best friend after 25 years and my children already knew and liked her !
I didnt have the option to veto the children meeting her. I did try for a while to try and micromanage what they did whilst they were with him/ them. It didnt work. I got very angry about things I couldnt control and it made no difference anyway, "what happened at dads stays at dads" whether I liked it or not.
With all my sympathy for you in this situation, you need to let this go for your own sanity !
I'm guessing the excitement of being child free and in an essentially children relationship with her could well be disrupted by him having to parent your children when they are there with her, and she may not have much experience of children.
All you van do is be consistent and loving and deal with the fallout that follows visits to dads.
Mine are teens/YA now and can see who did what and who was there when it counted.

Good luck and DO try to let go of this, honestly, focus on things you have some direct input into, like when you and your child are together.

So sorry to hear that KarKat, how did you ever manage?!
Hugs 💗💗

You’re not a lady of leisure. You’re a stay at home mum. There’s nothing leisurely about that! What do you have maybe a few hours in the day to yourself which I’m guessing involves shopping/cleaning or similar and the rest of the time you’re looking after his child. Don’t underestimate how hard you have worked as well as him!

It's probably so he doesn't miss weekends with the gf more than anything

No, no, no! You own the business 50/50. Don’t be starting up your own business. Start being more assertive. Tell him that as business is half yours, you are now going to be working in it and you want 50% of input, decision-making etc and, of course, profit.
And if he refuses, tell him he needs to buy you out.
Tell him that, as you are now working, he is responsible for 50% of child-care, including school drop-offs and pick-ups, plus ferrying to any clubs etc.
And refuse to allow your DC to meet the other woman until their relationship is established.
Come on, give him a bad time. Let’s see how his ADHD copes with that. Show him that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Pr*ck! (Him not you!)

Some of these replies are minging.

I work two days a week so I can do most of the school runs, shopping, cooking, cleaning. We’ve decided that because DH earns a bit more than me and we want to kids to have someone at home and enjoy our time together. Would he be justified in dumping me and saying I lack ambition? Behave.

OP be kind to yourself. No wonder you don’t have any confidence, you’re married to a cunt. It doesn’t feel like it now but this is the best thing that has happened to you. You are strong, you are brave and you can do anything you put your mind to. Just get through this bit and try to think of what you want to do now you don’t have that knuckle dragger holding you back.

Please focus on yourself and your dd see a solicitor and concentrate on getting the right settlement for you both. No matter who is paying what his contact time is his to do as he pleases and he can introduce who he wants to dd so I wouldn't force this issue

Wow hearing that “As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes.” from a man who abandoned his wife and child to chase after some other girl and London life. His relationship will not last with that girl, she will quickly realise who he really is. Do not let the child meet that girl. Unless he marries her and lives with her for a while to show some stability.

Well he was obviously seeing her before then, always the way with cheating lying pricks

You are a SAHM to facilitate his career and then all of a sudden you are not enough just being the mother of his child and general dogsbody. All you can hope is Karma will catch up with him

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem...

Well of course that's the reason because if it wasn't your fault, then he'd just be some prick who's abandoned his family and his responsibilities because he's had his head turned.

I don’t know how this is helpful to the OP or her situation? Good for you, but you’re just twisting the knife. No need. You come across as cruel and sanctimonious about the great decisions you’ve made when someone else is in a bad situation and is already suffering with crippling self esteem.

God he sounds like a narcissistic nightmare and a cocky bastard. Amphetamines might be boosting him and then he might come down on them at the end of the day. It's possible to have ADHD and also be an unbelievable prick.

He will actually be very vulnerable underneath the bravado but don't puncture his confidence as long as he's paying the bills. Cut off his stupid, pompous lectures. Focus on you now.

OP, this is not necessarily a disaster. And you don't necessarily have to run out and immediately get a job.

The most important question imo is - what assets do you both have? What money do you have access to in order to cover your expenses (legal and living) in the short-term until the divorce settlement has been finalised?

@DreamySloth I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you need to initiate divorce proceedings asap - this should protect you from being liable for his costs at the end of the proceedings. Pls do so asap.

@DreamySloth

You'll be able to 'date' his affair to when he became 'dissatisfied' with your role as SAHM. Or at the very least that's when he met 'her'. This happened to my BFF. Her exH was happy to have a SAHM until he suddenly, without warning' wasn't. And he made it sound to her as if he'd always felt that way, despite previous comments on how nice it was to have everything taken care of on the homefront. It was planned so that when he lowered the boom he could blame her for it.

If your family 'hate men', right now that's GOOD! You are being passive and you need someone to light a fire under your arse. I'm not criticizing you, it's understandable. You've been dealt a heavy blow of course you're reeling. But now is not the time for that. Remember he is most likely 'months and miles' ahead of you on the road you've just taken your first steps on.

You will have time later to reel, to wonder 'what the fuck just happened'. But right now you need to see a solicitor PRONTO! You may be assured that he certainly has! And is making financial plans to his advantage. Possibly hiding assets and working to devalue the business to avoid child maintenance or to lower any 'buy out' you may demand. You need to be doing the same thing, making financial plans to your own advantage.

I know you will miss your DD. But you also need time to yourself to 'debrief' and 'decompress'. And to get used to the new normal. As far as posters saying "Give him 50/50. That'll show him!!". Him having DD, regardless of how often, isn't about punishment and it certainly isn't going to make him say "Oh what a mistake I just made!". He's got his little chippy and he will expect her to step up as his 'nanny with a fanny'. And she probably will, more fool her.

You will get through this. 1000s of us have before you and 1000s of us will after you. Just remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It will take time, pain, and hard decisions. But you will come out the other end strong, safe, and determined. And happier.