DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

YANBU to say you don’t think it’s healthy or sensible for your DD to meet his gf of only 5 weeks. In the same way it wouldn’t be for you to introduce her to your bf of 5 weeks.

5 weeks is nothing. If they get together 2 or 3 times a week, that means even he will only have met up with her (as a couple at least) about 10-15 times. IMHO you should ideally give it a year before you introduce DC to a person you’ve coupled up with. Lots of relationships don’t last the year. It’s unfair and confusing to DC to be introduced to ‘special friends’ who come and go.

As for what you do about the break up of your marriage, do you accept it’s over, rather than wanting to persuade him to stay with you? I assume that’s the case, and TBH I don’t blame you as he sounds like an arrogant a-hole: when someone remarks on the heat, he tells them they should see it as a business opportunity FFS! Especially given he struggled to function properly until he improved with your support and meds - short memory.

If you accept it’s over, then you really must get on the front foot and move swiftly for the divorce. Instruct a good family law solicitor. Keep important documents safe and certainly don’t hand them over to him on request. Where is DD’s passport? (He sounds so fickle he may suddenly decide to take her off to live on a smallholding in Spain). Check if you have evidence (texts?) of him saying he preferred/agreed for you to be a SAHM - i.e. you as the primary caregiver and that he’d fund that. I’m no expert but it may help you argue for majority custody of DD, with maintenance for that. You also need legal advice on splitting assets and the business.

Now’s not the time for chewing over how awful he’s been to you or how reasonable he was or you were. If it’s over, you need to fight for the best possible deal for you and DD. Your life will soon be your own again. You’ll be earning your own income. Childcare is less of an issue with DD at school. You’re already free of his persistent immature and insensitive snipes at, and demands of, you. Some counselling might help you process the relationship breakdown, but best to put your energy/time/money into the best possible divorce as a priority. You’re strong. You can do it 💪💐

He wants to introduce his new squeeze to your child? No. After ‘5 weeks’? Way too quick. Even if he has been seeing her for longer (and let’s be honest he was probably already seeing her before he bailed on you) that’s still very early and not a long term enough relationship to be involving his child in.

Christ what an asshole.
The funniest part of this whole sordid thing is that this prick is her problem now.
And you get this loser out of your house and get to write a new chapter in your story of life.
And that can be wonderful in the scheme of things.

If you’re a 50% owner of the business, a director, you draw dividends and a salary, then it’s not HIS business, it’s half his. And you’re a company director as well as a SAHM. You ARE employed and ambitious. You’re equal owner and director of an apparently pretty profitable business.

But, as I’m sure you know, being a director means you have responsibilities and liabilities too, e.g. if the business breaks the law or loses money. If you don’t want to take responsibility for the business, you need to legally get yourself out of it. So you need advice on whether to sell your shares, either to him or someone else. Or dissolve the business, though if it’s the only source of both your incomes, that may not be wise when you have bills to pay. But I imagine it’s ill-advised to remain in it, drawing a salary and dividends and listed as a director but leaving the running of it largely to your ex.

I wouldn’t give him more childcare. That’s just punishing your daughter. Let him and new gf enjoy their sad little life. Tattoos won’t cover up his unfaithfulness and disloyalty. Whether he had an affair or not he’s still shown both those qualities. Try and get a job that works around school hours. I don’t have advice because this situation must feel like utter shite and it would crush my soul if it ever happened to me, but I have faith in Jesus who is never unfaithful so that restores my hope to get through times of suffering. We each cope in different ways.

50/50 can be a good experience for children but it can change child maintenance contribution from him and he may not have to pay.

Well isn’t he the big I am now he has his pills. Probably amphetamines. A tattoo & a motorbike. What a f’jng cliche 😂😂. He basically just simply met someone else and has rewritten the narrative to make you the reason why he left his family when really he’s just a weak, disloyal man. You’ve no reason to feel bad OP. Tell him when you want advice from an amphetamine hooked, cliche of a mid life crisis man who cheated on his wife and abandoned his family then you’ll ask him but until then he can F off.
He’s shown you his true colours , you don’t need him . Your revenge will be living your best life. You’ll meet someone new & better.

I would bet good money that once you have found your way through this you will be so glad he's gone. What a dick.

Also remember that there are some pretty good jobs you can do from home since you're good at admin and therefore organised, efficient, intelligent, and competent. For example, try the Passport Office; set up a Linkedin for their reference and include your experience in your own business.
Definitely see a lawyer; and if he is staying in your house 60% of the time, and buggering off to be with some girl 40% of the time, address that issue too with the lawyer.

Best of luck. x

He wants to show off to the gf. It won't be anything to do with DD sadly.

PS sorry for so many posts in a row, but this cliche of a prick has me riled. 😂

Agree with Scaredofdinosaurs you are both equal partners in the business and you need to get out for your own health and sanity.

You need advice from a tax accountant as well as a divorce solicitor regarding him buying out your share of the business. It seems currently you are unpaid labour.

You need a job now because a new business takes time to make a profit before you begin to take an income from the business and also a job will improve your sense of self worth and you’ll be too busy to respond to calls.

Personally I’d restrict him to text messaging by keeping the phone on silent.

stick to your guns! if that’s the right saying! he needs to sort himself out before involving your daughter meeting him or his new girlfriend! i hope you find strength in the responses xx

This means YOU need. Lawyer. You are not a SAHM you are a business partner and salaried employee - he cannot just turf you out, nor can he stop paying you, nor can he solely claim the business. You have employment rights and you have as much right to the business as him (- you do not need to start again in competition)....

He’s just making up stories in his head to explain why it’s all your fault and you drove him to it.

What a knob.

I'm sorry, but you do sound passive and with low self-esteem. The first step would be to secure therapy for yourself, and legal advice. Do not take crap from him any more. You need to stand up for yourself. Tell him you no longer need his lectures -he can go lecture his new girlfriend. Hurry up and get legal advice, too, so you know where you stand, and you have someone on your side who can protect your assets. The time to act is now. The least of your problems is whether your daughter meets the new gf or not.

Cocklodgers do not do all the childrearing and parenting. (And I'll bet my house all the household labour too)

men who steal women's time for their own leisure and convenience are still gold diggers\ cocklodgers even if they are working.

Don't give him the marriage certs. He can go get a copy from the county. Let him do all the work don't do it for him. Prick

Here here, totally agree.

great mum. And I'm going to guess that you have done more for the business than he gives you credit for. He is blowing a lot of hot air. He is gas lighting you into feeling worthless when you are far from it.

while waiting for counselling perhaps you can try writing a list of all the good things about yourself and put it up somewhere you can see it.

e.g. Kind person.

great Mum

competent business owner

also please get legal advice !

That sounds like man speak for: “I’m keeping you sweet so when my new fling goes tits up, I can come back to you like nothing happened”

God he sounds like such an arrogant prick. Get rid asap. You will be so much better off without him in your life. Believe me. It may take months or years until you get through the sadness of the marriage ending but you will succeed and eventually feel so much happier. Have you good friends or family that you can lean on?

OP I am so sorry you have been hurt this way and this has happened. It sounds heartbreaking. Also, no one should have an affair, although it is not certain one took place. Many people who split find someone very soon after (my best friend has not been alone in 25 years longer than 2 weeks but has never cheated as her own parents split up that way). Also, I see other threads saying “you go girl” etc on this platform if you had found someone new which the same people conveniently forget when DH does it. Then it’s always “he must have been cheating”.). Optics do not equal certainty. I would propose that you try not to listen to the more extreme reactions on this thread “tell him it’s going to be 50/50 childcare etc”. If he asked for 50/50 the same people would be hysterical in their reactions as to what an animal he is. They are expressing their own hurt or fears and it’s not impartial advice for your experience or situation - it’s an expression of theirs. Remember you will spend a long time co parenting together. Start as you mean to go on and communicate what’s important to you and in your child’s best interest. I’m no fan of his but he didn’t have to tell you about his. new GF and he could have just arranged the meeting without your knowledge leaving you to find out after the event. That’s not unusual sadly, so you have ground to build a co parenting platform. Good luck though OP whatever you decide.

Agree with this.
Saying he had outgrown you, headphones on and not speaking, and then ending your marriage on Boxing Day sounds very much like he was already having an affair and the plan was to leave as soon as Christmas Day was done. He’s now strutting around like a puffed up peacock thinking he’s great.
Having a nice family life is just too much of a drudge for some men - not exciting enough. I have been in a very similar situation to you with a similar sounding H. Still trying to make sense of it all and recently read that ADHD is often typified by risky behaviour leading to infidelity. (Ex) spouses are often left feeling completely burnt out by their behaviour.
He’s sounds dreadful and you deserve so much better OP.

Low self esteem is hugely debilitating - if you think so lowly of yourself why should someone else regard you any differently? It's a vicious cycle that only you can break.

As someone who has good self esteem I would say my mindset is I dont give a fiddle what others think of me. If you start telling yourself this and everytime you feel overwhelmed repeat it and tell yourself you've got it you can do this it will help start a turn around. A psychologist said get up in the morning say nothing go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. Look eye to eye with yourself and take your time to give yourself a high 5 in the mirror still saying nothing. Do this everyday. How you feel starts to change immediately and you will consciously notice this pretty quickly.

Good luck. The man doesn't deserve you. We all know this and so should you. Go get on track to your best life. The hurt will subside soon x

Living with a husband with ADHD and his kind of attitude is really difficult. They can be massively critical, inflating their own ego to messianic proportions - even when they’re completely incompetent. It’s oppressive to the point where it crushes you. It is not your fault OP. When he’s actually spending 24 hours a day with the gf, it will start to unravel.