DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

[LeahYoga]

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

She wasn’t rude in the slightest. It takes a village, remember? Normal mothers would want to know if their son was so gross in someone else’s home, so they could work on his training.

Yes, he’s a teenager. At least 5 years beyond the point of being excused for such an inconsiderate mess.

Those of you constantly making excuses for boys and young men are creating the broader problem of shitty immature men-children.

It's not just boys! My daughters teenage friends have left the toilet in a state. I wouldn't dream of contacting their mums.

My son's 13 and has never ever cleaned the toilet 🤣 oops

Why not? Does he have any housework responsibilities?

I don't know where "it takes a village" comes from but I presume it is referring to small communities where everyone knows each other. That's not the situation here. OP doesn't know the mother and doesn't even have to see the child again so had no business interfering with how she brings up her child.

No not really to be honest, he does his homework, out of school sports and spends his free time enjoying himself, he will pick up dog poo on garden when asked or other things like that, but he doesn't have household responsibilities. He's a good kid and I'm happy to just let him be a kid for now.i know people say they'll not cope when adults but In all honesty I didn't lift a finger at home until I moved out...I now do all the housework, cooking, cleaning.

What a mean thing for you to have done.

Wish I'd come back to this thread sooner tbh.

I am embarrassed for so many of you, excusing your son's leaving shitty toilets because the poor lamb might be embarrassed.

It's a properly crap (pun intended) part of current life that some parents feel they can't do anything that might make their little cherubs feel uncomfortable in the slightest. This kid might only be 12 or so now, but if he continues with no one ever telling him to not leave a shitty toilet he'll still be doing it at 16, at 20, and one day, you'll be the one using the toilet after him in Costa or something. Then you'll be bemoaning the lack of manners in leaving a toilet so nasty.

But because OP isn't a wet lettuce and actually addressed it with his mum (and no, that isn't shaming the mum, it was shaming the kid until the mum decided to admit she doesn't bother teaching her sons important things like this) she's apparently the bad guy?!

And all the "you've embarrassed your son" - no, if people bring it up all he needs to do is say you know what, friend can't wipe his own arse so I'm not sure how that's embarrassing to me!

My god. Like I said - embarrassed for a lot of you.

Who is excusing their sons? Many of the posters who think OP was rude don't have sons. I don't.

Telling people that his friend can't wipe his own arse could easily backfire too and certainly won't help friendships. After all there's no proof that the friend did it. It could have been OP's son and he might say that.

Not for shitting, for not cleaning up after himself.

I'm not excusing my son. I just wouldn't make a big deal out of this. Shit literally happens, and when I talk about embarrassment, I meant embarrassment for her son, because your mum ringing your friend's mum to complain about something like this is disproportionate and weird.

If he'd smeared his shit on the walls, yes, a conversation would be needed. But otherwise - I'd curl my lip at the mess then get on with cleaning it. Not because I'm a downtrodden woman. But because I'm a fucking adult.

Probably took it out to have sex. Mortifying for his mum to point it out!

Have you ever asked them if they left skid marks in a friends house?

Have they ever gone for a shit in away from home noticed a few skid marks and assumed the water would flush them away?

Chances are the answer to both of those is yes and the houseowner just squirted some bleach in the bowl and didnt give it a second thought.

I disagree - it's courageous.

Very well said.

Stop excusing sub-par behaviour, people. Stop coddling your oafish offspring. Raise your standards and expectations.

why humiliate the lad? I can’t quite believe that you text the other mum that and expected anything over than a shitty response

In what way is it courageous? OP won't be the one to suffer any negative consequences for her action. That will be her poor son.

The "lad" humiliated himself.

I shudder to think what some people here are raising.

And the 'poor' lad who left a mess. Since his mother didn't teach him to clean up after himself, then Life does.

My DH and my DC sometimes mess the toilet up. A simple “please clean up after yourselves in future please fam” is enough, they don’t need to have it verbally rubbed in their faces though. That’s poor class

What is there to "teach" . It is hardly complex. Just because he didn't clean the toilet on this occasion doesn't mean that he will be forever unable to. I am sure most children occasionally don't clean after themselves however much they have been told to including OPs son.

"Teach" him to respect others' homes, to be meticulous in cleaning up after himself, to be aware of his surroundings, to be considerate of others. The list goes on.

But what will the "teaching" involve beyond telling him to clean up after himself and probably to avoid OPs house.

???? Well, for the first point, that's good, and as for avoiding the OP's house, he ruined that by not cleaning up after himself.