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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

613 replies

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:49

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

OP posts:
WendyA22 · 30/04/2025 23:01

BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 23:16

Op what do you want us to say? yes gross but no I would not have messaged the parent like a lot of other people have said

do you want permission to say you were right?

I went to my 30 year olds house for the first time in years after he cut me off. This was his toilet!

Sensitive content
DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him
idkbroidk · 30/04/2025 23:01

IndigoBluey · 30/04/2025 22:54

@idkbroidkok potty mouth over there

okay i'll stop swearing and just smear fecal matter everywhere, is that better for you?

Soontobesingles · 30/04/2025 23:01

idkbroidk · 30/04/2025 22:48

some of you people are fucking disgusting. it is not normal OR okay at all to leave shit in someone's toilet, that's fucking appalling. people who said they wouldn't have told his mum: you need house training. because that is fucking rank.

why is it normalised for men to be fucking incompetant on purpose, even at a young age??? her comment about having 3 boys is also ridiculous. so they all leave shit marks in the toilet?

i have maybe once or twice had to clean my shit off a toilet with a toilet brush (when i've been unwell) and the fact that this happens regularly enough for some people is genuinely very worrying.

I can almost guarantee if you have only cleaned toilet three times then you have left unpleasant marks on a loo, unwittingly. And yes, some people have bowel issues - that’s why it’s polite to be forgiving in this area. Now obviously it would have been proportionate for OP to say to her own son or the friend, ‘hey please use loo brush next time’, but to text his MUM? Completely mental.

YankSplaining · 30/04/2025 23:18

Somehow, I get the feeling that you wouldn’t have done this if it was, say, a girl who left a big drop of period blood in the bathroom. This wasn’t just about a teenager leaving a mess, in your mind - this was about you showing A Male what you won’t tolerate As A Woman. So you decided it was okay to humiliate the hell out of him, because he’s not just a dumb teenager, he’s A Male.

There were much more sensitive ways to deal with this. Probably the easiest would be telling your son, “The next time Friend comes round, could you mention to him that he ought to clean the inside of the toilet if there’s a mess after he’s flushed it?” Still embarrassing for the friend, because you can’t avoid all embarrassment in this situation, but that way it’s less humiliating than what you did.

Shoezembagsforever · 30/04/2025 23:24

thistimelastweek · 29/04/2025 22:55

You messaged his mum?
I don't think you need worry about not inviting him back. You'll never see him again.
But your poor son might never live it down.

This! I’m sorry OP but you really shouldn’t have messaged the mum!

Praying4Peace · 30/04/2025 23:25

SheilaFentiman · 29/04/2025 22:55

Mate. I would have told your DS to clean it then let him take it up with his friend. You went to his mum?!

Indeed!
And how can you be sure it was the friend?
OP, you have made the situation worse

Praying4Peace · 30/04/2025 23:26

Sweetheart1990 · 30/04/2025 20:49

This is awful, he's just a kid...it's not like he took a shit in your living room 🤣
It's what the toilet is for...fair enough it's not nice to have to clean it but no big deal really is it?
Your poor son might have lost a friend and the other lad is probably mortified.
Bad move on your part

Spot on

Feelinglost10 · 30/04/2025 23:27

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:49

DS had a friend round after school today (they are secondary school age). When he left, I had reason to use the upstairs bathroom and the toilet was completely covered in crap, skid marks everywhere. I immediately asked DS if he knew anything about this and he told me it was his friend who used it but he hadn’t mentioned any mess afterwards.

There’s a toilet brush in there and I don’t think it should be beyond the ability of a young teenager to clean up after themselves. My DS certainly would.

I messaged his Mum to politely say that if her son was to visit again, I’d appreciate him cleaning up after himself if/when needed. She sent me a bit of a shitty reply (pun not intended), along the lines of I should be glad I’ve only got one DS rather than the three she has as she has to put up with all sorts as the only female in the household. Then she had the cheek to say I could have cleaned it in the time it took me to message her! With two laughing emoji’s. Which isn’t the point. No apology at all.

AIBU to tell my DS he isn’t to invite him round again?

boys are gross in general. There was no need to belittle a child by messaging his mum. If my friends mum would have done that to me as a child I would end that friendship.

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 23:29

Feelinglost10 · 30/04/2025 23:27

boys are gross in general. There was no need to belittle a child by messaging his mum. If my friends mum would have done that to me as a child I would end that friendship.

Show quote history

Boys are gross because their gross parents tolerate and encourage it.

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 23:30

Soontobesingles · 30/04/2025 23:01

I can almost guarantee if you have only cleaned toilet three times then you have left unpleasant marks on a loo, unwittingly. And yes, some people have bowel issues - that’s why it’s polite to be forgiving in this area. Now obviously it would have been proportionate for OP to say to her own son or the friend, ‘hey please use loo brush next time’, but to text his MUM? Completely mental.

Show quote history

“Bowel issues “ don’t preclude cleaning up after oneself. Come on.

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 23:33

mathanxiety · 30/04/2025 22:26

I agree that this lad never coming around again would be a huge win.

I disagree that embarrassing this kid and his silly mother would be a bad thing. In fact, I sincerely believe they should be embarrassed.

And the son is better off without the example of friends like that.
Also, he will realise that his mother has a backbone and has expectations of behaviour that he should not disregard. Perhaps some time in the future when he has a serious partner, he'll remember how his mother stood up for her home, and behave in a way in his own home, with his own partner, that will make her proud.

Actually, that's a win all around in my books. I do not see the downside of insisting that nobody treats you with any sort of disrespect in your own home.

I'm the mother of four DDs though, and I care greatly about the sort of BS boys and men are allowed to get away with by their spineless, incompetent parents. I didn't send mynDDs through school and off to university just for them to end up wiping the shit of an able bodied, entitled, badly brought-up little a-hole who is old enough to know better off the toilet of a house that they paid for.

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Agree with all.

Shaming is a useful tool and exists for a reason.

UnPetitCochon · 30/04/2025 23:36

Skid marks in the toilet are horrible to look at but at least the shit is in the toilet. Can you imagine if he’d attempted to use the brush? Knowing how stupid/lazy teenage boys can be he’d probably have dripped the shitty water everywhere and left all the shit over the brush. I’d be glad he didn’t attempt to clean it!

Sweetheart1990 · 30/04/2025 23:39

UnPetitCochon · 30/04/2025 23:36

Skid marks in the toilet are horrible to look at but at least the shit is in the toilet. Can you imagine if he’d attempted to use the brush? Knowing how stupid/lazy teenage boys can be he’d probably have dripped the shitty water everywhere and left all the shit over the brush. I’d be glad he didn’t attempt to clean it!

This 👏🏼

Thegodfatherreturns · 01/05/2025 00:47

mathanxiety · 30/04/2025 22:26

I agree that this lad never coming around again would be a huge win.

I disagree that embarrassing this kid and his silly mother would be a bad thing. In fact, I sincerely believe they should be embarrassed.

And the son is better off without the example of friends like that.
Also, he will realise that his mother has a backbone and has expectations of behaviour that he should not disregard. Perhaps some time in the future when he has a serious partner, he'll remember how his mother stood up for her home, and behave in a way in his own home, with his own partner, that will make her proud.

Actually, that's a win all around in my books. I do not see the downside of insisting that nobody treats you with any sort of disrespect in your own home.

I'm the mother of four DDs though, and I care greatly about the sort of BS boys and men are allowed to get away with by their spineless, incompetent parents. I didn't send mynDDs through school and off to university just for them to end up wiping the shit of an able bodied, entitled, badly brought-up little a-hole who is old enough to know better off the toilet of a house that they paid for.

Show quote history

It's a bit sad that you think having friends that clean toilet bowls at the age of 12 or 13 is more important than anything else.

She didn't need to phone the mother to prevent the child from visiting again. If she doesn't want visitors she can just say so. No embarrassing phone calls shaming another woman are required.

Do you seriously think that OP's son will look back on this and think his mother has behaved wonderfully? More likely he will think she's an embarrassment and not want to invite people around if she is there. I doubt it will just be this one friend that doesn't want to visit either. Many of his friends will probably think OP's a bit batshit and not want to visit.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/05/2025 01:08

Thegodfatherreturns · 01/05/2025 00:47

It's a bit sad that you think having friends that clean toilet bowls at the age of 12 or 13 is more important than anything else.

She didn't need to phone the mother to prevent the child from visiting again. If she doesn't want visitors she can just say so. No embarrassing phone calls shaming another woman are required.

Do you seriously think that OP's son will look back on this and think his mother has behaved wonderfully? More likely he will think she's an embarrassment and not want to invite people around if she is there. I doubt it will just be this one friend that doesn't want to visit either. Many of his friends will probably think OP's a bit batshit and not want to visit.

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I think it is a bit sad that you dont expect a 12 year old to be respectful of being a guest or of shared spaces. I find it a bit sad that you wouldnt reprimand your child for treating someones home so badly.

If you want to be a doormat that releases a non-house trained human into the world, well thats up to you. The rest of us do our job as parents and teach them how to be self sufficient, capable and respectful.

JMSA · 01/05/2025 01:12

I cannot believe you messaged the woman.
If it was that important to you, you could have said next time he’s round ‘oi, boys, make sure you keep the toilet clean this time!’
But to message her is super weird.

Evidemment · 01/05/2025 01:19

Your poor son. Why on earth didn't you just ask him to have a word with his friend lad-to-lad at school to loop him in that house rules are different at yours so they could have a laugh about it and nobody ends up embarrassed.

I wouldn't be surprised if the mother doesn't allow her poo-vandal back round to yours anyway even if invited, as I'm in no doubt she thinks you're completely unhinged and the other school mums will be in agreement in short order.

Evidemment · 01/05/2025 01:22

idkbroidk · 30/04/2025 23:00

the amount of people on this thread complaining about the friend and his mum being ashamed - they DESERVE to be shamed! yucky people

Bit of an overreaction but fair enough - but think you're missing the point, people are complaining about OP's innocent son ending up embarrassed, not La Familia Faeces being embarrassed.

bittertwisted · 01/05/2025 06:34

JMSA · 01/05/2025 01:12

I cannot believe you messaged the woman.
If it was that important to you, you could have said next time he’s round ‘oi, boys, make sure you keep the toilet clean this time!’
But to message her is super weird.

Exactly
they were playing, maybe he was missing out on a bit of a game or something and rushed

kids can be self absorbed, doesn’t mean he’s a skank

i would have gone with the jokey comment next time. Saying that, it just wouldn’t have bothered me in the first place, so maybe I’m the skank!

funnily enough I didn’t phone my sons girlfriends mum when she lovingly left a used tampon beside his bed. I told him to sort it, and to say it wasn’t very nice to her. To have shamed her is not the person I am, and I’m glad

Hopingtobeaparent · 01/05/2025 09:55

TheAmusedQuail · 29/04/2025 23:00

I'd let him come round again, but as he walked in, I'd tell him to leave your toilet clean or else it'll be his last visit.

Fcuk being polite. Someone has to tell him sometime that isn't OK or he'll be one of those men that thinks the whole world is their wife.

This - 100%. Lad would probably be so mortified, he’ll probably be much cleaner in every toilet for the rest of his life! 😂 He’ll also respect you and your boundaries I expect too.

SnackDealer25 · 01/05/2025 09:58

LeahYoga · 29/04/2025 22:58

Why should he be able to treat my house with no respect at all and expect me to clean up after him? I’d be mortified if my DS behaved in such a manner. The message I sent was perfectly polite and I ensured it was worded in a reasonable tone.

You can’t punish him for not doing something he’s never had the responsibility of doing and messaging the mum is an over reaction. He’s a teenager. Just clean the toilet and move on from it

Thegodfatherreturns · 01/05/2025 10:00

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/05/2025 01:08

I think it is a bit sad that you dont expect a 12 year old to be respectful of being a guest or of shared spaces. I find it a bit sad that you wouldnt reprimand your child for treating someones home so badly.

If you want to be a doormat that releases a non-house trained human into the world, well thats up to you. The rest of us do our job as parents and teach them how to be self sufficient, capable and respectful.

Show quote history

Assuming he didn't deliberately spread shit around the toilet, I would reprimand my child but I would also think any parent who phoned me up about something so trivial (she would just needed to poor bleach down the bowl to disinfect) was absolutely batshit. I would apologise but also suggest they give the house a wide berth in the future and I suspect others would too if they heard about it. The child was rude but so was OP and she is an adult.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 01/05/2025 13:42

You can tell the people for whom cleaning toilets isn't part of their job, including the OP. Clean it, it's not the worst thing in the world, trust me. The fact that it was shit, and in the toilet, are both plus points.

Cherrytree86 · 01/05/2025 13:44

Trishyb10 · 30/04/2025 18:20

Precious privileged lady, never heard anything like it

@Trishyb10

its not precious or privileged to not want to clean up shit , FFS

Cherrytree86 · 01/05/2025 13:47

bittertwisted · 01/05/2025 06:34

Exactly
they were playing, maybe he was missing out on a bit of a game or something and rushed

kids can be self absorbed, doesn’t mean he’s a skank

i would have gone with the jokey comment next time. Saying that, it just wouldn’t have bothered me in the first place, so maybe I’m the skank!

funnily enough I didn’t phone my sons girlfriends mum when she lovingly left a used tampon beside his bed. I told him to sort it, and to say it wasn’t very nice to her. To have shamed her is not the person I am, and I’m glad

Show quote history

@bittertwisted

“ I didn’t phone my sons girlfriends mum when she lovingly left a used tampon beside his bed.“

OMG! 🤢 How vile

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