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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New mum friend came over, Left my house in a tip

302 replies

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 21:57

Made a new mum friend 2 months ago at a baby class and we clicked. After the second baby class she invited me round for a cuppa. When I went I stayed there for an hour, had a cuppa and she offered me a few biccies. Also Brought her a box of chocolates as its the first time I went round. Upon leaving she gave me some nappies. she didn't need.

I invited her round to mine and I feel like a mug. She brought an entire cooler bag of food for her baby. Used my sons new highchair and is baby led weaning so we went in the garden and the food went everywhere. She also needed cheese for his food so I ended up helping her prepare it from my fridge because she didn't bring any. She stayed 3 hours and I gave her endless drinks and food. When she left the house was a tip. She started walking into the kitchen and making herself at home very quickly. Oh and she didn't even bring anything to my house for the first time. Isn't that just a courteous gesture? When she left she said she could come round every week because her other son is at nursery!

OP posts:
ladykale · 30/04/2025 10:13

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 22:17

I never go to someone’s house for the first time empty handed. After we moved inside from the garden she started giving her baby the fruit I offered and it went all over the floor. Then she said she couldn’t find her wipes so I was down on my hands and knees cleaning. While my baby was crying and she was holding hers.

it wasn’t a slither of cheese… I grated half a bowl . She lives 5 mins from me. Couldn’t she have fed her baby then come round? I made her coffee and she had demands about how much milk sugar and extra flavouring she wanted to. This is after she drunk about 3 glasses of juice too

Three glasses of juice - how dare she!

you sound like a lot of work.

she should have cleaned up, but everything else is not a big deal

no I don’t take presents if popping round to someone’s for a cup of tea

TheShiningHostess · 30/04/2025 10:50

thankyou. I thought it was courteous and polite to at least bring round a pack of biscuits the first time

But that's a minefield (well, it is on MN)

What if they were the wrong sort of biscuit?

Home made - straight in the bin - dirty, filthy germs.
UPF - straight in the bin - evil poison.
Sugar and chocolate - straight in the bin - poison.
Fruit based - OMG, think of the sugar.
You are dieting - straight in the bin - how dare she be so dismissive of your goals.
Probably in plastic packaging - might as well chuck a dead dolphin on the table.

Even if none of the above apply, think about the "extra life admin" that is dumping on you.

Sourcing scissors to open the packet.
Putting the scissors away.
Digging out a plate to put them on.
Wiping crumbs from the worktop.
Immediately boil washing the cloth.
Finding a suitable container to store any remaining biscuits.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 10:57

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 09:23

Three hours is highly unreasonable and intrusive.

Dropping food around the kitchen floor is unacceptable. Babies don’t have to lead the weaning during a social call if they are prone to making big messes. How obtuse and slovenly this woman sounds.

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3 three hours is not highly unreasonable.

The baby dropped some fruit on the kitchen floor, hardly a big deal 🙄🙄

whistlesandbells · 30/04/2025 11:24

Half a bowl of cheese. 😮.
Probably did make a mess. I don’t think hosting is something you enjoy. Meet at a neutral location and you can leave on your terms.

scoobysnaxx · 30/04/2025 13:02

You might want to adjust your expectations for the future. Your child will probably have play dates and their little friends can make a mess and require this and that at times. Kids drop things, have accidents etc. it’s part of it.

no people don’t generally bring gifts to someone’s house for the first time.

she brought her own baby’s food.

she forgot the cheese. She’s a new mum in a rush and a lot of handle. Relax.

no one carts a high chair around, of course she used yours.

weaning is messy. You were in the garden?

yeah you might just not want to invite anyone round, kids or adults by the sound of it..

doodleschnoodle · 30/04/2025 13:12

I think you’re just different people, I’m much more relaxed about that kind of stuff, I’ve had two babies and sometimes these kind of plays dates lasted most of the day if neither mum had anywhere to be specifically, particularly when babies were small. I’m not really precious about dropped food, either the dog gets it or I’ll clean it up later - I would tell someone not to bother if they were anxious about cleaning it. Visitors aren’t expected to bring anything and I’m happy to offer them drinks and would wave them off cleaning up. It also doesn’t sound like your house was left a ‘tip’ (come round ours after my 6yo and 3yo both have pals round!), but the fact you think a few minor things = a tip suggests you have quite high home standards about certain things, and I don’t, so what bothers you won’t bother me.

But it sounds like you’re quite different personalities and maybe you just don’t mesh. Instead of finding fault, maybe just accept that you aren’t compatible in this regard and stick to meeting in places where you are.

HazelCritic · 30/04/2025 13:16

See, when I saw the thread title I did a little cheer because I thought it was going to be about a mum who didn't do a massive tidy & clean before her mum friend came round to make her house look impossibly perfect. Because I think it's an act of generosity to show your friends that houses with small kids are never tidy (and I don't mean unhygienically unclean, just toys out, maybe some washing in the sink...).
But no, rather than showing solidarity you're complaining she fed her kid lunch and wanted coffee made to her taste?!?
I'm guessing this is your first kid? Trust me, my most valued mum friends are the ones who offer to feed my kids & tidy up the mess when I'm at their house, so I can have a glass of wine and a break from wiping up mush. Then I return the favour. You sound very uptight.

jolota · 30/04/2025 13:47

I don't think its polite to not offer to clean up after your child's mess, but I also don't think its essential to bring a gift when going round for a cup of tea at someone's house.
It sounds like you've exaggerated about your house being in a 'tip'.
I'm a bit baffled by you being annoyed that someone has a specific way they like their tea/coffee being made? Are people not allowed to ask for sugar or mention how much milk they take?
Just don't invite her round again/avoid her. You don't seem to like her very much anyway and have said you have other friends so just chalk it up to personality differences and move on with your life.

eluned16 · 30/04/2025 13:52

Sounds like you're different people. I really wouldn't mind a friend doing any of the things you mentioned. I also wouldn't expect a gift from a mum friend - and I think it's nice she felt at home with you. But it's ok if you don't like any mess & you know now not to invite her again.

Original poster
MyAquaGuide · 30/04/2025 13:56

scoobysnaxx · 30/04/2025 13:02

You might want to adjust your expectations for the future. Your child will probably have play dates and their little friends can make a mess and require this and that at times. Kids drop things, have accidents etc. it’s part of it.

no people don’t generally bring gifts to someone’s house for the first time.

she brought her own baby’s food.

she forgot the cheese. She’s a new mum in a rush and a lot of handle. Relax.

no one carts a high chair around, of course she used yours.

weaning is messy. You were in the garden?

yeah you might just not want to invite anyone round, kids or adults by the sound of it..

She's not a new mum she has 2 older kids.

OP posts:
CandidRaven · 30/04/2025 14:08

"I made her coffee and she had demands over how much milk, sugar and extra flavourings she wanted" is it abnormal to request a coffee how you like it then? Do you just accept them as they are offered like with no sugar or milk? Hardly demanding is it to request a coffee made how you like it or its just a waste as you wouldn't drink it otherwise, I always ask how people have their coffee/tea I don't think it's rude of them to request milk and sugar 🤔

Arlingtonchase · 30/04/2025 14:11

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 22:00

Doesn't everyone bring something when they go round to someones house for the first time?

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No. It’s different if you were inviting her for a meal, but for a casual "pop round for coffee" I wouldn't necessarily. It makes it all too formal and can look like trying too hard.

Tandora · 30/04/2025 14:19

Gosh you sound very inhospitable and uptight

scoobysnaxx · 30/04/2025 15:26

MyAquaGuide · 30/04/2025 13:56

She's not a new mum she has 2 older kids.

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It doesn’t matter if she’s not a new mum. In fact she’s probably all the more busy and rushed and stressed.

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 15:27

scoobysnaxx · 30/04/2025 15:26

It doesn’t matter if she’s not a new mum. In fact she’s probably all the more busy and rushed and stressed.

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Then she should stay home and sort herself out, not inflict her chaotic mess and disorganization on others' homes.

Grammarnut · 30/04/2025 15:44

MyAquaGuide · 30/04/2025 13:56

She's not a new mum she has 2 older kids.

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So she's got a full-time job looking after 3 kids and she forgot the cheese and didn't bring her own high-chair. I don't think you like having visitors OP.

Skirtless · 30/04/2025 15:47

Grammarnut · 30/04/2025 15:44

So she's got a full-time job looking after 3 kids and she forgot the cheese and didn't bring her own high-chair. I don't think you like having visitors OP.

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Don’t forget — she also forgot the courtesy packet of biscuits and had the temerity to express a preference for the amount of milk and sugar in her coffee. Clearly she should be made an example of.

coxesorangepippin · 30/04/2025 16:04

This is why I don't have playdates

3 kids + my 2 = a party, let's face it

Last one (4 years ago, ahem) lasted five hours

And the mother stayed

Felt like I'd been in a blender afterwards

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 16:12

Grammarnut · 30/04/2025 15:44

So she's got a full-time job looking after 3 kids and she forgot the cheese and didn't bring her own high-chair. I don't think you like having visitors OP.

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Oh, come on. Poor beleagured mumsy can't be arsed to exhibit rudimentary social decorum. So sad.

A) if the kids weren't with her at the OP's then she's not looking after them fulltime
B) if a mother of three can't remember to take the food her "baby led weaning" child might want on a coffee visit, she either feeds the kid what she has or goes home. She doesn't rummage about in an acquaintance's kitchen
C) Many of us like visitors who can observe rock-bottom decorum.

I don't think a hostess gift is required for a casual coffee date, but nor should someone expect to be fed, stay for three hours and make a shitty mess of another's home on a casual coffee date. If you think you'll want to eat, bring a pack of muffins or doughnuts.

She's like people at the theatre who mindlessly behave as though they are in their own living room. Gross.

Original poster
MyAquaGuide · 30/04/2025 16:22

TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 16:12

Oh, come on. Poor beleagured mumsy can't be arsed to exhibit rudimentary social decorum. So sad.

A) if the kids weren't with her at the OP's then she's not looking after them fulltime
B) if a mother of three can't remember to take the food her "baby led weaning" child might want on a coffee visit, she either feeds the kid what she has or goes home. She doesn't rummage about in an acquaintance's kitchen
C) Many of us like visitors who can observe rock-bottom decorum.

I don't think a hostess gift is required for a casual coffee date, but nor should someone expect to be fed, stay for three hours and make a shitty mess of another's home on a casual coffee date. If you think you'll want to eat, bring a pack of muffins or doughnuts.

She's like people at the theatre who mindlessly behave as though they are in their own living room. Gross.

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I completely agree with you. She made herself at home very quickly going through the cupboards and not asking me for usual polite things such as where the bathroom was but roaming around wherever she wanted to, I felt like a mug at the end of it

it isn’t about the cheese or the coffee. She didn’t offer me anything but a cuppa and a few biccies when I went to hers. But she came to mine and asked for a lot of things. I stayed 1 hour and left as I knew my baby had to eat, I am also BLW but left her place to do it at mine

she was comfortable very quickly and I am not expecting a ‘gift’ as everyone keeps pointing out, a box of chocolates or something to eat for us to share on the play date is the polite thing to do. Especially if you’re staying for that long

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 30/04/2025 16:28

MyAquaGuide · 30/04/2025 16:22

I completely agree with you. She made herself at home very quickly going through the cupboards and not asking me for usual polite things such as where the bathroom was but roaming around wherever she wanted to, I felt like a mug at the end of it

it isn’t about the cheese or the coffee. She didn’t offer me anything but a cuppa and a few biccies when I went to hers. But she came to mine and asked for a lot of things. I stayed 1 hour and left as I knew my baby had to eat, I am also BLW but left her place to do it at mine

she was comfortable very quickly and I am not expecting a ‘gift’ as everyone keeps pointing out, a box of chocolates or something to eat for us to share on the play date is the polite thing to do. Especially if you’re staying for that long

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I can't stand people who presume on short acquaintance.

Just because people are busy is no reason to drop ordinary social graces or behave like Onslo in someone else's home. And as you say, if the baby is hungry it's time to go home. Not turn someone else's kitchen into a shit tip.

Hope you don't bother having her over again. Find someone with a little more couth.

wizzywig · 30/04/2025 16:31

As an Asian, yes I'd bring some nice biscuits

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 30/04/2025 17:08

wizzywig · 30/04/2025 16:31

As an Asian, yes I'd bring some nice biscuits

Ah yes, all 4.8bn people in Asia never fail to take some nice biscuits when visiting a friend.

PassingStranger · 30/04/2025 17:09

YYYDlilah · 29/04/2025 22:07

Never mind all that, did she observe your shoes off policy?

Didd she clean the toilet with the brush after herself.

AquaLeader · 30/04/2025 17:19

I made her coffee and she had demands about how much milk sugar and extra flavouring she wanted to.

Whatever next. Saying how much milk and sugar she wanted in her coffee was the height of cheeky fuckery. 😮