New mum friend came over, Left my house in a tip

[MyAquaGuide]

Made a new mum friend 2 months ago at a baby class and we clicked. After the second baby class she invited me round for a cuppa. When I went I stayed there for an hour, had a cuppa and she offered me a few biccies. Also Brought her a box of chocolates as its the first time I went round. Upon leaving she gave me some nappies. she didn't need.

I invited her round to mine and I feel like a mug. She brought an entire cooler bag of food for her baby. Used my sons new highchair and is baby led weaning so we went in the garden and the food went everywhere. She also needed cheese for his food so I ended up helping her prepare it from my fridge because she didn't bring any. She stayed 3 hours and I gave her endless drinks and food. When she left the house was a tip. She started walking into the kitchen and making herself at home very quickly. Oh and she didn't even bring anything to my house for the first time. Isn't that just a courteous gesture? When she left she said she could come round every week because her other son is at nursery!

Each of these points is fairly minor but cumulatively I can see that they would be annoying if you are a tidy person who makes an effort to be a low key guest. I’m pretty tidy and some of that would definitely annoy me BUT if I really liked the person I’d suck it up.

You obviously don’t like her that much which is fine. Just don’t have her round. She may have invited herself round for a weekly session of mayhem but that absolutely doesn’t mean she is going to be coming. If she proposes herself next week you look slightly confused and say that sorry you’re really quite busy and hopefully you’ll catch up in the park at some point.

Yes you've hit the nail on the head. All combined it was very irritating and the fact that she seemed to be so oblivious (or very cleverly disguising her obliviousness) made it worse. She has since sent me so many msgs , I don't think she has many friends and long voice notes. If this is how she behaves I can see why she gets ghosted.

Ugh. Sounds like you've had the misfortune to be targeted by a real grifter and user.

Spring is a good time to pull away; you can claim "busy with family activities" "busy with DIY" "sorry have relatives coming" "have tradesmen in.." etc. in response to her self-invitations, if you feel awkward saying just "sorry that won't work for me."

Ignore the other texts and voice messages. After a few weeks I'd just block her. If she confronts you at the park or whatnot say "oh I am deluged with messages, it's too much to keep track of."

a friend who's a therapist says don't worry about hurting these importunate people; they have the sensitivity of a toilet seat and the hide of a rhino. Or, as he said, "Just don't respond. They are used to it, and it's the consequences of their own behaviour."

jesus no! We're not playing grown up dinner parties here. It's just a simple meet up of 2 mum's seeing if they can hang together. Who needs the weird extra pressure of bringing gifts and boxes of chocolates? A cup of coffee/tea and away you go!

No.

How is it weird? I’d be mortified leaving a friend’s house a mess like that and always bring something whether it’s cakes, wine or a £3 bunch of flowers 🤣 there’s obviously 2 camps here and I know which one I want to invite round!

Edit to add - I wouldn’t judge someone not bringing something though. If they were a nice guest and didn’t leave the house a mess!

Any time friends come to ours and vice versa we don’t worry about a bit of mess. Because they’re friends. When my friends were over a few weeks ago they were eating pizza (that I bought) and left crumbs everywhere, left their cups on the side and walked in a bit of mess round the house. I don’t care because they’re friends! I don’t expect them to be uptight with me! I’m similar in their house. It’s not a big deal. They can eat my food and drink my drinks.

I’ve met her a few times I wouldn’t consider her a friend yet. She’s more of an acquaintance that I’ve seen at baby class

Why do you let friends treat you so poorly?

I prefer to be friends with clean, considerate people.

you sound uptight and you are probably high maintenance. You aren’t entitled to a gift from a visitor to your house.

You need to chill out @MyAquaGuide or you’ll have no friends. When I was at this stage, we took it in turns at each other’s houses, one woman saw fit to go into the host’s bedroom to put her baby down for a nap and then proceeded to flirt shamelessly with the host’s DH, now that was out of order. Bit of cheese, bit of mess? Get a grip.

I do. I wouldn’t dream of not taking something - at least nice biscuits.

maybe for a dinner party or overnight stay, but not for a cup of tea

Your not the sort of friend I would want. Too judgy and think you're better for various reasons. This is why I like keeping baby group friendships, soley at baby group, to avoid these mismatched expectations.

YABU to exaggerate so much. A ‘tip’ really? What was the mess? Some used mugs, some dropped food, a bowl used to microwave cheese? Maybe some toys scattered about? Did it even take five minutes to clean up?

They don’t treat me poorly in the slightest. They are incredible friends. If you consider a little mess being treated poorly rather than seeing the amazing qualities they have, that’s a shame tbh.

I have always done this, doesn’t have to be a big gift, sometimes just a small bunch of flowers or biscuits. I think it’s polite to do it but I grew up with my parents/extended family doing that so I’m repeating what I saw in childhood! It may be a family/cultural thing as some of my continental European friends say it’s not something they grew up with.

Yeah I'm mentally adding up what constitutes 'a tip'
1 used mug
1 used glass (maybe one baby plastic cup too?)
1 bowl
1 cheese grater
A few bits of veg on the floor and high chair

Did I miss anything?

I’m with you op. She is a slob with no manners. I cannot stand people who make a spectacle of a situation. She should have fed her child and came or just gave him whatever she brought. And to be so greedy with drinks. And maybe you are from a similar culture but we always take something first time in someone’s home.

No? Why would they?

It’s normal for guests to use your furniture (I.e baby high chair) when needed. It’s normal for guests to eat and drink refreshments offered. It’s normal to stay for 3 hours if you haven’t set a specific time to leave. It’s normal to feed a baby at the time you normally feed it, even if that means feeding the baby in the hosts house.

None of what you’ve said sounds particularly rude, difficult to accommodate or stressful. So if you don’t like hosting, don’t do it. No one is forcing you.

No she lets her friends be comfortable in her home, and they do the same for her. Why waste the precious time together worrying about leaving the “showroom” guest-ready when you can actually relax and enjoy the guests? 😂

Odd post. How was the house a tip if the baby was eating outside? Why were you offering more than you were comfortable with? What are endless drinks over 3 hours? Why were you keeping score? Did you say at any point 'no it's ok, I'll tidy up' or similar?

I wouldn't really take chocolates for a cuppa, or want them. I'll host that. A meal or an overnight stay, I'd loosely expect something small (although no judgement if it doesn't happen, just what I've been brought to to do). I wouldn't particularly appreciate a gift for a simple tea/ coffee visit. That's a bit overstepp-y to me. I certainly wouldn't expect it in return.

This.

Yes l agree OP she could have brought a small gift with her especially as you did when going to hers. Make an excuse and don't have her round yours again.