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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New mum friend came over, Left my house in a tip

302 replies

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 21:57

Made a new mum friend 2 months ago at a baby class and we clicked. After the second baby class she invited me round for a cuppa. When I went I stayed there for an hour, had a cuppa and she offered me a few biccies. Also Brought her a box of chocolates as its the first time I went round. Upon leaving she gave me some nappies. she didn't need.

I invited her round to mine and I feel like a mug. She brought an entire cooler bag of food for her baby. Used my sons new highchair and is baby led weaning so we went in the garden and the food went everywhere. She also needed cheese for his food so I ended up helping her prepare it from my fridge because she didn't bring any. She stayed 3 hours and I gave her endless drinks and food. When she left the house was a tip. She started walking into the kitchen and making herself at home very quickly. Oh and she didn't even bring anything to my house for the first time. Isn't that just a courteous gesture? When she left she said she could come round every week because her other son is at nursery!

OP posts:
BigKnix · 01/05/2025 02:10

ExtraOnions · 29/04/2025 23:19

I suggest taking Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh .. to any future play date

Without sounding rude, I think that's a bit excessive. I just keep a tip jar by the door and make sure to hide the loo roll when hosting (though to be fair, I generally book my guests in, in 15 minutes slots so they rarely need to use the facilities)

Also, I feed the baby in the bath and give it a rinse around with the shower when we've finished. The thought of feeding them in someone else's house, is quite frankly mortifying.

People these days. I blame mobile phones.

TheHerboriste · 01/05/2025 02:32

Ilovecleaning · 30/04/2025 23:05

YANBU. She obviously made herself at home too much and too quickly. Doesn’t understand boundaries.

This.

She’s probably been discarded by umpteen previous victims.

Wash your hands of her and move on.

kiwiane · 01/05/2025 05:16

You invited her for a play date and she brought her baby’s food except for a little cheese and you resent it? I assume you’re not doing baby led weaning -you can provide a Mat for under the high chair and offer to watch the baby while she cleans up.
It is usual to give some snacks for visitors but it sounds like you didn’t set any time frame to the visit - 3 hours is obviously too much for you and you’re not sure you like her enough to invite around again. You can say you’d prefer to meet outdoors at the park or visit her home for now. Beware of letting anyone make assumptions over your time - you seem quite passive - the old mumsnet phrase ‘that doesn’t work for me’ may come in useful.

Zanatdy · 01/05/2025 05:38

I don’t see a big issue. It wouldn’t take long to clean up. Though she should have done that before leaving.

Hopingtobeaparent · 01/05/2025 07:58

It sounds like you’ve both got different social etiquette understandings.

I may take something to contribute but certainly don’t expect it, and if doing it regularly I wouldn’t, that’s more for those I don’t see very often, we’re eating together, that sort of thing.

Is the high chair annoyance because it meant your own child didn’t get to use it themselves? Presumably you have children of a similar age? I can understand how that would be annoying! My sister had a lobster chair when she was doing BLW, it was great. Maybe you can ask if she has something like this? Suggest she gets something? Very useful for going anywhere with a small child.

You can alternate houses each week, ask her to help when clearing up at the end.

I agree with the risk of having been snared though. She sounds like maybe a bit more of a taker than a giver. Everyone is different, it doesn’t make her a bad person or friend, just maybe one you may need to have some boundaries with.

Despite the lack of biscuits contributed, and arguably more importantly, did you enjoy her company?

Snakebite61 · 01/05/2025 10:54

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 22:00

Doesn't everyone bring something when they go round to someones house for the first time?

Show quote history

Nope.

Oneday24 · 01/05/2025 16:07

I would never expect a gift from a friend or take one myself unless of course it’s a bbq or dinner party and I’d take a bottle of wine/desert.

i also wouldn’t bother about the ‘mess’, that’s the best thing about mum meet ups, the kids can play and make a mess with no judgement! That’s how me and my friends are anyway and as for making herself at home.

I think that’s lovely that she feels comfortable. I think you are expecting too much and sharing some cheese and tidying up a bit of food is hardly worth getting annoyed over.

vickylou78 · 01/05/2025 16:10

Blimey Op….. there’s no rule that you take a gift when you go to someone’s house for a cuppa or lunch for a baby play date! Think you’ve set yourself up for disappointment if you expect that.

it’s good etiquette to take something for the host when you go for an evening meal or party though.

as for food mess in the garden - surely that’s not an issue?
do you really begrudge a bit of cheese?

op I wouldn’t host again .. you sound a bit uptight

VickiFromAmsterdam · 01/05/2025 16:30

No gifts.

She’s invited herself to come round every week indeed. Tell the cheeky mare no!

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/05/2025 16:40

The funny thing is the OP thinks she's better and more generous than other people because she takes Nice Biscuits but she's actually miserly as fuck and resents a guest having milk in their coffee.

CeciliaMars · 01/05/2025 17:35

i would presume it was my job to clear up after a play date at my house, and their job when it was at their house. I would expect to alternate venues. Toddlers / babies are messy!!

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 18:09

Lots of faux shock and judgment on here: pretending not to understand (or just too thick?) how this PITA woman pushed boundaries and has no manners; making stupid comments like “do you begrudge someone a bit of cheese?” and crap like that. Shit stirring or stupid.

LudvillasCave · 01/05/2025 18:13

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 18:09

Lots of faux shock and judgment on here: pretending not to understand (or just too thick?) how this PITA woman pushed boundaries and has no manners; making stupid comments like “do you begrudge someone a bit of cheese?” and crap like that. Shit stirring or stupid.

Can you not grasp that someone might just have a different opinion or perspective to you?

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 19:00

LudvillasCave · 01/05/2025 18:13

Can you not grasp that someone might just have a different opinion or perspective to you?

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No one is going to respond favourably to a post starting with “Can you not grasp?”
Bore off with your “bleeding obvious” 😜

Bestfadeplans · 01/05/2025 19:42

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 19:00

No one is going to respond favourably to a post starting with “Can you not grasp?”
Bore off with your “bleeding obvious” 😜

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Tbf you aren't grasping it

FuglyBitch · 01/05/2025 19:43

Your high chair will get dirty pretty soon when your baby starts to use it

Skirtless · 01/05/2025 19:49

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/05/2025 16:40

The funny thing is the OP thinks she's better and more generous than other people because she takes Nice Biscuits but she's actually miserly as fuck and resents a guest having milk in their coffee.

Milk! The nerve!

Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 19:57

Bestfadeplans · 01/05/2025 19:42

Tbf you aren't grasping it

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FFS

ThinWomansBrain · 01/05/2025 20:07

OP will be complaining that her guest had the audacity to use the toilet next 😀

the only real thing that stands out is a mismatch on time expectations - if you invite her again, be clearer that you need to be somewhere at X o'clock.

Shmee1988 · 01/05/2025 20:31

She sounds like my people. Some of my best friends are mum friends I made when my eldest was small. It really didn't take long for us to be at home in each other's houses, letting ourselves in with a little shout rather than a formal knock and wait, make some tea, make all the kids snacks, feet up on the sofa etc. Lord, 2 of my mum friends even have their own mugs in my cupboard. I love that kind of friendship. My house often looks like a bombs gone off after a play date but it's all put back together in a few minutes. OP you have different standards and that's okay, but if one of you is unreasonable, I'd have to say it's you. Embrace it. Mum friends that you click with aren't that easy to come by.

Bourbonbonbon · 01/05/2025 20:32

MyAquaGuide · 29/04/2025 22:00

Doesn't everyone bring something when they go round to someones house for the first time?

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No.

Original poster
MyAquaGuide · 01/05/2025 20:59

Hopingtobeaparent · 01/05/2025 07:58

It sounds like you’ve both got different social etiquette understandings.

I may take something to contribute but certainly don’t expect it, and if doing it regularly I wouldn’t, that’s more for those I don’t see very often, we’re eating together, that sort of thing.

Is the high chair annoyance because it meant your own child didn’t get to use it themselves? Presumably you have children of a similar age? I can understand how that would be annoying! My sister had a lobster chair when she was doing BLW, it was great. Maybe you can ask if she has something like this? Suggest she gets something? Very useful for going anywhere with a small child.

You can alternate houses each week, ask her to help when clearing up at the end.

I agree with the risk of having been snared though. She sounds like maybe a bit more of a taker than a giver. Everyone is different, it doesn’t make her a bad person or friend, just maybe one you may need to have some boundaries with.

Despite the lack of biscuits contributed, and arguably more importantly, did you enjoy her company?

No! Her company wasn’t great either. I’ve only met her a handful of times and each time was no more than an hour at most

she seemed nice from the brief meetings I had with her but her msgs are becoming a bit much and she leaves me 10 minute voice notes where she is practically talking about nothing and just complaining about how hard her life is.

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 01/05/2025 21:06

MyAquaGuide · 01/05/2025 20:59

No! Her company wasn’t great either. I’ve only met her a handful of times and each time was no more than an hour at most

she seemed nice from the brief meetings I had with her but her msgs are becoming a bit much and she leaves me 10 minute voice notes where she is practically talking about nothing and just complaining about how hard her life is.

Show quote history

As I suspected she sounds like a nob. Back off from her, OP. Good luck 🌺

TheHerboriste · 01/05/2025 21:08

Block and dump, OP. She sounds horrid.

mediumdicketh · 02/05/2025 13:05

Sound very bitchy tbf but I'm the type of person to go to someone's house and clean up the dishes but that has had me taken advantage of in the past so I don't make mum friends as I Cba with all the human interaction and natural bitchiness that comes with it.