New mum friend came over, Left my house in a tip

[MyAquaGuide]

Made a new mum friend 2 months ago at a baby class and we clicked. After the second baby class she invited me round for a cuppa. When I went I stayed there for an hour, had a cuppa and she offered me a few biccies. Also Brought her a box of chocolates as its the first time I went round. Upon leaving she gave me some nappies. she didn't need.

I invited her round to mine and I feel like a mug. She brought an entire cooler bag of food for her baby. Used my sons new highchair and is baby led weaning so we went in the garden and the food went everywhere. She also needed cheese for his food so I ended up helping her prepare it from my fridge because she didn't bring any. She stayed 3 hours and I gave her endless drinks and food. When she left the house was a tip. She started walking into the kitchen and making herself at home very quickly. Oh and she didn't even bring anything to my house for the first time. Isn't that just a courteous gesture? When she left she said she could come round every week because her other son is at nursery!

Nope never have, and never have been brought something round by someone else, i have never heard this being a thing. I am abritish average middle type person from the south east age 45, if that helps for context.

Demands around milk and sugar .. erm like most people.

Half a Bowl of Cheese ??? How much can a baby eat.

I take it you offered flavours for coffee (how would she have known otherwise)

2 glasses of juice - it’s a hot day

Not feeding baby before she came .. they eat when they want.

You sound way too uptight for this kind of friendship.

No no no it was 3 glasses 😱she was counting!

Do you generally make mountains out of molehills? All this huffing about her not bringing you a present, her baby using your high chair, and how her baby left your house a tip despite eating out in the garden? And the big faff of melting cheese?

This is standard. Having kids over is a whole new (messy and untidy) ball game.
I suspect that she hopes that you can hang out together in a low key (not needing to bring gifts way).
She should have made a half arsed offer to help clean up though.

She hosted you with drinks, biscuits and gave you nappies and you’re raging you gave her baby a bit of cheese and she stayed chatting for 3 hours?
Expecting a gift for an afternoon coffee with babies on mat leave is nuts.

Counting up what you received from visiting her, and what she 'took' from you, it's all very transactional.

She might be the type to take advantage, or you might lean towards miserly behaviour. Either way, none of us are perfect and if you get along, just meet at a coffee shop/ playground picnics.

The only thing I think she should’ve done is help clean up thoroughly.
The rest wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow
Why did you find fault with her cool bag of food for her baby? Very sensible and I could never begrudge anyone a sprinkle of cheese
she even fed her baby in the garden to save mess
You don’t sound very welcoming
Frankly Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Demands about milk and sugar in her coffee!

What an entitled b—! 🤦🏻‍♀️

No, if it was a dinner I would offer a drink or dessert. Coffee or something, no. Don’t expect it either. OTT

None of this would have bothered me.
I would give a guest as much tea, coffee, sugar and juice as they could possibly want.
I would find the half a bowl of cheese for a baby very odd though, why so much cheese??
I would expect them to have a go at clearing up after their baby if it was a lot of mess, but not make it spotless
I would expect to clear up some mess after hosting guests with children or babies.
I would not expect a gift.

Op you’re really not going to enjoy the day kids come without their parents. Now that’s messy and chaotic 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Dinner party: yes, flowers/wine/chocolate whatever host might like

Staying over: as above, maybe also candle/extra gift

Housewarming: generous booze or food, maybe homeware gift if vg friend

Playdate... honestly, why would you want a friend bringing a baby to have to freak out if they've nothing in, panic and go via the shop with all the hassle that entails, maybe get in the car if they haven't before? It is hard enough having a baby, drop your expectations a bit and then you can just go to playdates/have playdates without bringing anything or stressing people out and ending up with extra packets of jammy dodgers you don't even want or like.

Just relax and enjoy this nice time, it will soon pass. Messiness sounds annoying but again, everyone with a baby is just trying to work it out.

Also, be ready for toddler playdates if you think a baby is messy... maybe just find a good local park/softplay instead!

Agree that you sound a bit uptight.

All of the point scoring is just unnecessary.

This is a great post, sums it up well

THIS!! 😆

Of course she sends her children to private school too. You’re ticking all the boxes with this one 😂

It really doesn't sound like anything to get upset about.
No, I wouldn't expect a gift from a coffee catch up. Id bring biscuits or something to share.
I'd be completely fine to give a friend some cheese, and drinks (she did give you drinks and biscuits too at hers..?)
Yes she should clean up after her baby but it sounds like when she said she couldn't find wipes you just started cleaning, it's just a little bit of fruit so I'm not really sure what the big deal is.

Not where I live

OP, it sounds like you don't actually like her anyway, so problem solved - just don't invite her over again.

You must have ridiculously high standards.
The birds will eat any crumbs behind or are birds a burden too.

No need for a gift whatsoever. You take something if you’ve been invited for dinner/bbq etc not for a cup of tea. Sounds like she stayed longer than you wanted though, you should have said something

Maybe having mum friends isn’t really your thing.

No!! Dont get into this kind of crap. Its exhausting enough being a woman/mum/parent without extra unnecessary politeness. Just be happy to see people!!

But actually, I dont think you are compatible with one another.

If you’re still upset at

1.no visitor gift
2.sharing cheese
3.some mess after sharing a day with friends and babies

then best let this one go and find her people and you can get back out there and find yours.

No. It's a social call. One doesn't give gifts in that way.