Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

He should have said he was driving you there, you shouldn't have to ask when you have a sick child, can't drive and when it's as hot as today! He didn't offer because he sees it as your problem, not his.
😞

Seems like a miscommunication over who was responsible for what but his reaction was not helpful.
I also had to have a chat with my partner this weekend about him getting angry over a pond... apparently his back hurt but he didn't tell me this so when I asked him to do something with the pond he got angry (or so I thought), much to my bewilderment. We had to have a serious chat about communicating. Seems like you need your husband to do the same. He may not realise what his non verbal communication is telling you with his actions.

And all he had to do in this situation was say "I've got a call so I'll drop you off and come back and get you later. Who's taking the youngest?" Most workplaces with wfh policies are very relaxed about this sort of stuff now, my colleagues take calls while on school run or with kids there if they have to, it's not a big deal, unless you're presenting or something.

This is only one example, so maybe in other cases it's him, but in this case I think you are the unreasonable one. If you said "can you please drop us at the doctor's at 3, DD isn't well enough to walk" and you know that he's meant to be working, then I'd be assuming that he could drop you off and go unless you specifically asked him to also sit there in the car and watch DS until you're finished as well? I think a lot of people would be quite stressed if they are meant to be working from home and they are going to be late for a meeting when they don't have permission to be taking time away from work to do family tasks. If he's fine 98% of the time then I think he's allowed to be annoyed at things every so often, and I can see why he'd be a bit annoyed when he is working and you are off that day but it's still taking both of you to manage a doctor appointment.

Ignore the snide comments re driving.
I don't drive, I live with epilepsy and I would far rather someone (rarely because I don't ask) gave me a lift than take any lives behind the wheel.

Sounds like a misunderstanding. If you planned for him to wait around whilst you took DD in then why didn’t you just ask him to take her to the appointment?

unstable type 1 diabetes is one of the best reasons I’ve heard on Mumsnet for not driving (presumably there have been many posters who haven’t been explicit about their condition) last year in a town near me a man drove into a cafe and killed several people, due to a diabetic hypo.

Maybe if he'd been in an office the OP might have needed him home so she could take dd to the dr. Or dd would have been forced to walk - easier for dad, sure, but not so much for the sick child. Being a parent means you sometimes have to leave work to care for your unwell kids. Really, all he had to do was a quick drive down the road. He definitely should be making OP and the kids feel bad about it by moaning and being stroppy. It's not how the OP saw her day panning out either, but like a grown up she just got on with it.

*Shouldn't

Sadly I suspect you’ll be back

different username
Same initial OP outlining a catalogue of behaviours from your DH that are unpleasant
Same defensiveness when majority say “sounds awful”
Same flounce
until the next thread

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

But didn't you expect him to read your mind?

You didn't explicitly tell him what you wanted ie for him to stay.

I understand wanting a lift there because, for example, taxis aren't always reliable, but you asked him for a lift there and what you wanted was for him to go to the appointment with you (stay for the duration).

If he's working, why does he have to account for his time during the working day or explain things etc to you? He's working.

That's not to say his response wasn't inappropriate just that I wonder how many of these 'off piste' moments occur when he is supposed to he working and you're not clear in what you want so he agrees to one thing but then discovers what you're actually asking is something else.

That’s obviously very different then, isn’t it?!

He offered to drive her - she says this at 16:50. He already knew he was working.

OP is likely exaggerating saying he is fine 98% of the time.

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

If he was only like this 2% of the time would she really be so sick of it that she is posting on here. With little kids routines can change every day several times a day.

Agreed.

Then she will talk about his amazing qualities which are contradicted in her OP.

I know this thread is dwindling but I think some Mumsnetters don’t realise how different the situation around taxis can be in certain areas.

The phenomenon of lots of taxis available and waiting to take you anywhere at the drop of a hat is only where there are lots of people willing to do that work.

In rural areas, even if you live in a small town or village, there might not be a taxi company as such but a few one-man-band operators. So if they are busy taking a fare to the hospital, there is no taxi available for the next hour.

Even where there is a taxi company, drivers can be unwilling to do short trips or alternatively not willing to do longer trips into more remote spots, unless you book them for both journeys. But even then they might not want to do it because it’s a Tuesday, or because they were working late last night and (quite reasonably) need to sleep, or maybe they just don’t feel like it. So it is a different story.

Uber is not everywhere. It is quite literally not ubiquitous!

I think more people are concerned about her minimising the behaviour of her DH rather than the driving issue.

Same. Which is fairly typical of men in my experience - and women the opposite. In numerous genuine emergencies - kids nearly drowning, car being stolen etc I went to pieces and was useless , DH was calm and took charge and did what needed to be done. But for minor annoyances like this it can be similar to OP account.

I think it’s an ongoing attempt to try and convince herself all is ok and that the children won’t begin to be acutely aware of their father tantrums and their parents poor communication and irritation with one another

Hmm. But OP’s the one telling the story…

Her DH’s words could easily have been:

She just seems to expect me to drop everything to fix minor issues with the kids, even when I’m at work and have meetings scheduled. She acts like a third child. It’s as if she’s incapable of sorting things by herself. I had to drop the ball on a really important meeting and let people down on what was a stressful day. She doesn’t even acknowledge that.

Food for thought?

That’s not what she said in her original post and you know it!

He only ‘offered’ to drive when the alternative was her leaving the hyperactive toddler with him.

His actions showed something different.

He offered to drive her despite working. Then he is swearing under his breath on two occasions and ranting at the OP all in front of the children.

I would say this is more third child like than OP.

She is clearly not incapable of sorting things out herself:

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

The DH is both incapable and deeply unpleasant. He can't even control himself in front of his children.

Yes she followed it up saying he offered to drive her.

People can add more info to the original post!

wtf?

Give the guy a break. He was asked to leave work with a few hours’ notice, rearrange a meeting, not told he’d was also expected to hang around while the appointment was going on, and is now being berated on MN.

Oh, and conveniently his DW doesn’t drive so it’s all on him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he LTB in the next few years.

I have, on any level, a vair important job but what I would have done is contact the meeting organiser for my 1.15 and explain that my child was ill and I needed to take them to the doctor. It would have been re-arranged no question. Or if I really wanted to do the meeting I’d have taken my work phone and done it in the car (arriving at the doctor’s in time for it to start).

OP you are not unreasonable but I agree with others here that you do need to set some boundaries here before this gets any worse (my schedule with 3 tween kids is like a military operation and flapping/ storming off and panic would push us all over the edge!).

And no way on earth is it reasonable to expect you to take a sick child AND toddler in a taxi for a simple doctors appointment 10 mins from home, and then order another one back- that’s a bizarre thing to suggest. Especially when he was WFH already.