Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Within a couple of minutes that was laugh😂

My DH went to boarding school but very relaxed about routine, order, clothes being ironed etc. I'm state educated & much more fussy about these things than him. A bit of a sweeping assumption.

No usually we stress about the small things but we're very good in an emergency. It's why lots of ADHDers become doctors.

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc

he sounds a bit… thick?

My DH is like this. I often wonder if he has ASC traits. His parents always went bananas if their plans got disrupted.

He gets so stressed about disruption, it's made him scrape our car when manoeuvring out of our drive when in a 'rage', which cost about £1,500 to sort out. He's great in many ways but can be a total in this one respect.

Oh my gosh same OP!!!!

No taxi was going to collect us for a last minute very short journey

It wasn't last minute. You got the appointment this morning? Plus, of course a taxi will take you a short journey! No, they won't wait for you, but you then call a return cab once you're out of the doctors.

Sounds like your DH was being a bit of a dick but communication needs to be better if you know he gets easily stressed like that.

You: DD is too ill to walk to the doctor for her 2pm appointment-I know you're working today, but can you take us? I don't know how long it's going to be, but she won't be able to walk home so you'd have to stay there and wait the whole time.
Him: but I've got a meeting at 3, so that doesn't work.
You: ok, I'll get a taxi then.

Something like that.

Inattentive ADHD? Executive function issue. He probably really can't help it. X

Of course women must do the emotional and organizational labour to accommodate a man being a dick.

the other solution is that man does his own emotional labour and stops being a dick - in the context of a society which expects men to be responsible for not being ficks and doesn’t expect women to do the labour to accommodate the dickishness

Bus? Taxi? Walk? Ask a friend?

I think this could well be the problem.

But he does need to work on it or your DC will learn from his behaviour. In the way he, in turn, may have learnt it from his parents. Plus, he’ll keep creating unnecessary stress for you. Would he be willing to try therapy to help with this?

Also, I agree with an early PP who said it may need better (more precise, open and assertive) communication on both sides. He sounds quite passive aggressive. If he can’t juggle work and dropping you places in the car, he needs to say, rather than agree to do it and then lose his shit.

You: ‘Can you take a break from work between 3:30pm and 4:00pm today to take us to the GP, wait outside in the car with DS, then take us back home?’

Him: ‘No I have a work meeting at 3:45pm. It’s your NWD. What would you do if I wasn’t WFH but in the office/at a work meeting/event?’

You: ‘I know it’s not ideal, but could you possibly rearrange your work meeting as I’ve tried every taxi firm, friends, family and I can’t think of any other way I can get DD to the GP’.

Him: ‘Yes, I’ll rearrange’ or ‘No, I really can’t. You’ll have to rearrange the GP appointment on the basis you can’t get her there or ask to speak to the GP on the phone/online’.

Nobody is perfect, that is true. It has got nothing to do with perfection even. Just being a decent husband and father. It is sad how many of these situations your poor children have been exposed to.

Your OP and then follow up comments are full of contradictions as I showed in my last post.

My partner was like this until I left him. Now he is on Sertraline and he doesn’t take his frustrations out on me because I’ve made it clear I won’t be around to be treated badly anymore,

Good point. Check with HR first and see if it is an issue!

I have the exact same problem here. It’s absolutely infuriating - because he ‘can’t cope’ with even the most minor stress, he makes everything else so much more stressful.

Mine has ADHD and ASD so I try to be kind, patient and understanding, but sometimes I question my relationship because I worry about what will happen when a real emergency happens (like a big death in the family ect).

Shudder. I had a 'partner' exactly like this. Not someone to have kids with! It only gets worse I'm afraid.

Hang on. So it was your non-work day and he was at work and you still expected him to sort this around his job?

Sorry, I’m kind of with your DH. Unless your DD was seriously ill this was your job to fix.

Goodness..this isn't any kind of emergency just a normal event in a family. The only issue I can see is if the driving clashed with a particular meeting or something otherwise I have absolutely no idea what all this taxi talk is about. Of course he should be easily able to drop you off and even collect you after. Yes this level of huffing and puffing and drama is entirely unnecessary..start writing stuff down ? We have a shared WhatsApp group which helps with urgent stuff.

To be fair, if DH asked me to 'log off' when doing my actual job for a good chunk of time to hold his hand in getting our child to the doctor, I'd be pissed off as well. It was in no way an emergency. Pay for a taxi.

Of course they would. They drive you where you pay them to go.

The DH offered to drive the OP and the kids while swearing under his breath and ranting at the OP in the car park.

Try reading the posts. MN have made it easy.

It did clash with his meeting! That's why he was annoyed, OP thinks he was unreasonable to be annoyed and that this shows he can't cope with emergencies. Pot, kettle, black springs to mind.

The DH offered to drive the OP and the kids while swearing under his breath and ranting at the OP in the car park.

Try reading the posts. MN have made it easy.

He can't cope with any sort of disruption according to the OP:

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc - a classic case of ‘everyone else looks like they have their shit together and we don’t’. That and very poor communication.

He didn't offer. OP said she asked and he agreed. Presumably under duress, since he was supposed to be working, not providing a taxi service. As I said, if my DH suggested I do this while I was doing actual paid work and he had a day off, I'd be less than thrilled about it.

I'm sure OP has learnt how to book a taxi in however many years of not driving.