Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP at 16:50

I did offer to take DD in the buggy and leave DS behind so at least he could be ‘online’ and explain his toddler was watching TV in the background (and before anyone starts no, he doesn’t watch TV all day!), but he said no he would drive us.

Does OP‘s H perhaps have a circle where lots of people have nannies/put their kids into long day private schools or boarding schools etc so that they are essentially never really „seen“ by the menfolk who obviously then don’t have to help!? I know a lot of wealthy people operate that way and the men don’t really get much insight into the stress of life/kids (and indeed some of the women too!)

He doesn't think it is his job according to the OP:

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

And in her initial post OP said

I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

Now which do you think is more truthful, the first post, or the convenient drip feed added when OP realised perhaps she might be in the wrong?

He was working! Fuck if I read this story in reverse you'd all be crowing about how useless the DH was and how he doesn't respect the wife's job and he isn't a real man because he can't drive or even use a taxi.

So many hypocrites on MN!

This was my first thought. If this was a man who on his DAY OFF asked his wife to log off from her actual job to give him a lift because he couldn't be arsed to book a taxi, he would get absolutely roasted. And rightly so.

Yep, so that accords with what I’ve seen often with that type of man. Kids are women’s work and even then usually outsourced to some other woman!

However: in OP’s case it is fair to say that he was supposed to be working and as a PP said, if he’d been in an office none of this would have happened. Which nearly illustrates why therapists are apparently overrun with folk having relationship issues due to wfh. I honestly don’t think it’s sustainable - it puts so much pressure on a couple, the lack of clear boundaries. I’m not saying it can’t work but it’s a huge effort for both parents in terms of negotiation and communication. And I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t mind reinstating a few harder physical and timing boundaries between work and private life just to shortcut all this extra emotional labour. I know I would!

Sorry I will say, it is very frustrating being the only driver in a household. I was the only driver for years and was begging my partner to learn to drive. It made me very angry and bitter towards him when I had to drop things and rearrange plans to take him places because he couldn't get our child anywhere when needed

Sounds like a spoilt a**ehole to me! I wouldn’t still be there, only fault or not!

I didn’t realise my post would be picked word for word. What actually happened, verbatim, is I said ‘the appointment is 1pm’ and he said ‘I’ll give you a lift’. He didn’t say he would drive us back, but that was the tacit assumption.

Anyway, think I’ll duck out now as the paraphrasing, seething rudeness and untruths are getting quite annoying.

He was working but offered to drive the OP - read her post at 16:50

He offered to drive her.

But with two lots of swearing under his breath in front of the kids one of whom was ill. He also ranted at OP in the car park in front of the kids.

Another point of view here: my kids’ father is like this if he has to drive us anywhere.

We all came to dread him taking us to GP appointments/hospital.

At a time when you’re ill, maybe going through a major crisis, the LAST thing you need is to be around someone behaving like this.

It’s left us all with a lot of pretty bad memories of someone making a bad situation much worse.

Yeah I'll believe the first story she told thanks, the one she said before she realised she was being unreasonable.

It might be frustrating to be the only driver in a household, but sometimes it can't be helped. It's not like the OP cba to learn!

Taxis aren't always easily available either - where I live they'd all be booked out at that time in the afternoon for school runs. And tbh I don't think it's such a big ask for a dad to spend 5 minutes driving the one mile to the dr. If he'd thought about it, he could have dropped them off and then returned after his meeting.

The stresses of going into an office are far worse!

Yeah, I did read the posts. She asked him to take them. As she doesn’t drive he didn’t have much choice. Then when he was pissed off about having to log off (OP hasn’t acknowledged that he was AT WORK and it was possibly stressful for him just to up and leave) she offered to leave the toddler behind.

Great! So his choice was to a) try and do his job (including a meeting) with a hyperactive 2yo in the background or b) drive them to the doctors.

He didn’t have a great choice did he?

Haha! Maybe I mean from the POV of the non-office attender …

Ah, that’s not what you said earlier.

He’s not really doing these things though, is he? If he loved his kids beyond measure, he would have been ready to take you all to the doctor on time.

If he was attentive and practical, he would have arranged the visit to the doctor as he has a car.

And he let you down on the day of the appointment.

So you say he has these amazing qualities, but they are not apparent.

Did he need to act like a third child that needed placating though?

OPs words:

He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

He looks very nice though!

I don't think he probably looked very nice when swearing under his breath and ranting at the OP!

I still don’t think I was being unreasonable.

Your dh was Working from home and had a meeting. You were not working, it is on you to organise!If your husband had to work in the office what would you have done? You need to get an uber.

OP, growing up my dad was like this and it wasn't pleasant for us kids. Knowing he would blow up, walking on egg shells etc. tense atmosphere at home. Definitely made me not want to be at home and I left as soon as I could.

I know it's not intentional but it does sound like emotional abuse. he needs to get therapy and work through these reactions because it's not fair on you or the kids.

And no, he's not a good dad if he's having these outbursts and upsetting you all, even if he's "good" the rest of the time.

Also, I know this isn't the point of your post, but could you move to a closer GP surgery at all? Because needing to drive there, when you are unable to drive to your diabetes, doesn't sound like a good solution for anyone.