Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Give the guy a break????

any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again

There are more but you can read them yourself.

I lived with someone who was this emotionally deregulated. When life was ultra cool
he was fine, the slightest upset to life, a power cut, milk running out, dog sick etc he would implode. He had EUPD

Exactly!

Hopefully the OP will think about what she is exposing her children to when they have to keep witnessing these distressing incidents.

So if the OP wasn’t taking her DD to the GP then she wouldn’t need a lift. He could have sorted this all out. That’s the point. 1 mile isn’t far to walk but HIS DD was ill. You are missing the point here.

DH not stepping up and dealing with issues and leaving impact to fall to OP. Again.

cant even have the foresight to realise that if a lift was needed to get to GP then a lift to get home would also be needed.

Generally not being an adult.

OP does he have undiagnosed autism because an inability to cope with change can be an indicator?

This. Why on earth did you and the baby need to be involved? If he was any sort of father, he could’ve just taken his own unwell daughter to the docs. It’s not a big deal at all. Ridiculous behaviour.

It’s very annoying but I feel he probably has some sort of anxiety when things don’t go to plan. I would talk with him about it at a time when you are both alone and relaxed. Come up with a solution between you. You say he is lovely the rest of the time, can’t say that about a lot of husbands😂

What would you have done if DH had an office job and hadn't been home?

Learn to drive and get a car FAST
Make sure you're slowing chipping away at a career/ profession
Document EVERY thing you do for the family and what financial/ professional compromises you've had to make for it
Ensure you're looking at making some savings on the side too
I know it's a lot
But when he turns around one day and says you're useless and contributed nothing- all this will come in handy.
Best wishes and hugs OP.
Kids will grow up one day...
You can get through to the other end.
❤️❤️💪💪

That’s kind of the point though…when the plan or schedule deviates? Also, not everyone thinks or reacts the same ND or not. My husband (ND) can be like this but now our children are 16, 14, 9, he’s a bit more used to it and adapts the best he can. He is ND. So ND or not everyone can be thrown out. I’m not excusing the swearing etc because it’s clearly his issue and shouldn’t be pushing that on to his partner and child, just wanted to make the point that regardless of ND or not, we don’t all react the same as anxiety takes ahold.

OP I snapped at my husband after being rang 10 times whilst walking around a shopping centre buying school supplies for the start of term in a new country. Every time I spent money he rang me to question me. I lost it and made it clear I’m not a child, I’m not shopping for shoes, and to back the hell off. He’s never done anything like it since message well received. I don’t think he realised how deregulated it made him when he wasn’t expecting a change or I am doing something he didn’t expect. This is because his communication sometimes doesn’t go beyond inside his head, so he doesn’t realise he’s built a whole idea and plan but not actually shared it, verbally (he’s AUDHD and can be very inattentive) I’m autistic and the opposite, I verbalise everything but have managed to curb it a bit over the years as I know I don’t need to say everything out loud. If you haven’t already I would definitely sit him down and talk about it and just say this isn’t a criticism, this isn’t an invite for an argument, but we have to discuss this because the way you are reacting isn’t acceptable.

I'm a bit 50/50. In your position I would have got a taxi. What if your other half was in the office and just not physically available? I agree he does over react and in a different situation not involving the car his behaviour is challenging.

I can see both sides here. My husband WFH 3 days a week, and during his working day 7 am-4 pm, he's working. If he were in the office, he wouldn't be there to help, so therefore I treat him WFH as 'not being there'. A GP appointment is not an emergency, it's just life with children. I would have ordered a taxi and taken both children with me. In general there was a lack of communication. You thought your son was staying at home with his Dad and your husband assumed both children were going with you. Your husband didn't tell you he had a meeting, and couldn't look after your son. If by taking you to the GP appointment was going to cut it fine for your husband's meeting, then he should have made it known he had a meeting and asked you to take a taxi. Your husband's general attitude towards having to help when something doesn't go to plan is not good. He shouldn't be expecting you to take all the burden. It's no one's fault, it's just how life is at times, but he needs to support you, not get cranky.

I'd be cranky if I had a call in ten minutes, and my work is pretty full on so I can't always log off on time.
But he shouldn't be swearing and sniping.
I think both of you could have communicated better in this instance.

Yeah I may be going against the grain but I don’t agree. He was working and it was your non work day so on this one it is up to you. It isn’t a long discussion on division of Labour - you weren’t working.

It wasn’t an emergency and this is catastrophising.

You asked him to drive you so he did. You weren’t clear about what you needed him to do but his lack of communication is no worse than yours. You are a team so work together.

If he’s working you can’t assume he can drive you, sit there for half an hour (which doctor is ever on time) and then drive home. Again, hes working and you aren’t.

You needed to be more self sufficient as you don’t drive and not rely on him to leave work to help when there are perfectly acceptable solutions you could have employed.

Hes probably annoyed at the over reliance on him and driving and rightly so.

You are both being unreasonable.

And again a doctors appointment is not an emergency.

Wow - you have absolutely no idea what could have happened to him at work during this example - it could have been a horrendous day. OP is not at work and could have easily taken a taxi; it is not a two person job.

I don’t get the impression at all that the op thinks this impacts her children, which is very disturbing

How would you have managed if he was working at a workplace, rather than at home?

So many people can't read/comprehend what the OP has said!
What is the solution if you can't get a taxi and haven't learnt to drive (for medical reasons, not because OP couldn't be arsed to learn)? She either tries to get another relative or friend to do her a favour or she makes a sick child walk. I would think it very odd if a friend asked me to interrupt my day to drive her to the dr, when there's a perfectly able other parent at home, whose responsibility this is.
She didn't spring this on him - he had a few hours to rearrange his meeting. Not OPs fault that he didn't sort his day out.

I find that worrying too. She is very minimising about the children witnessing the horrible behaviour by their father. All the swearing under the breath and ranting at OP in the car park. But she thinks it is better than being lonely and he is very nice looking.

Log off from work and get home in time for a meeting with a toddler in tow? Yes - I would also feel highly stressed.

Why didn't you book a taxi? Please don't use your daughter as an excuse. You could have left toddler at home, taken your daughter, asked the taxi to come back for you, or re-book one, or ask of hubby would have been available to pick you up. Voila! Consideration all around.

Alas, the way he reacts in all urgent situations is all part of the fight or flight emotions. He doesn't have very good coping mechanisms, probably needs some anger management sessions, and for you to also communicate explicitly how he makes you feel, and how can you work this out together.

He wasn't at the workplace. He was at home and offered to drive and then acted like a tantrumming 18 month old.

And he drives of course

She has explained the taxi situation numerous times.

Try reading her posts.

Yes that comes in handy too I guess.

At least if she does use a taxi the taxi driver won't be swearing under their breath at her.

Or lobbing the pushchair into the boot