MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

I don't think my own parents did any of this kind of checking in, let alone my in laws.

No voting option so I will put it here - YABU.

I am not sure what type of checking in you would like? If you were ahving any problems then I am sure that they would expect their son to update them. How would you like them to be involved exactly, what type of support were you expecting?

Oh I’m sorry to hear that! They didn’t speak to you once?

Yabu it is what it is.They are Interested
You can't force what you want

As I’ve said in my post there - a text at the very least in 9 months, surely? They live minutes away.

You’re expecting way too much. My in laws didn’t ’check in’ on me during my pregnancies and I didn’t expect them to.

They have responded to scan photos and given you clothes as presents . I don’t think it’s worth getting upset about them not asking how you are, but I agree with you it’s a little thoughtless.
You can’t control how people behave, you can only control how you react to their behaviour.

They did with SIL, so I just find it a bit unusual! Especially as we get along well.

Do you see much of them in person? I don't think they necessarily need to be texting you directly all the time. My partner updates his parents on me when they chat, we don't also need to be in contact separately on a regular basis. I guess I would expect a text on my birthday from them, but that's it. Especially if you live nearby, what would be the point in texting all the time?

Tbh I think you're expecting too much! I don't think my PIL checked in once, but we would chat if I saw them in person - which happened maybe once every 3 months.

That's their daughter though, right? You wouldn't expect to have the exact same relationship as with their daughter, I guess.

Well, yes, I suppose that’s what I’m getting at - a text in 9 months would be the very least I would expect, point being that they live minutes away by foot. I have been in the family for over 10 years. They checked in throughout SIL’s pregnancy (in person), so I’m just shocked they haven’t bothered with me at all, yet will expect to be here straight away when LO is born.

edit: also I never suggested they should be texting me “all the time”. Not even once in 9 months to see how I am?

No. As I’ve said there, it’s DH’s brother’s girlfriend.

When you visit each other do they not say "hello how are you doing"

Yeah and that’s their daughter isn’t it? So you’ve already been treated the same way by your own parents?

I think you’re expecting a bit too much, they’ve responded to scans & gifted things, pregnancy isn’t as all consuming to others as it is to you, and I say that as someone currently pregnant with their second baby.

I have said there that she is DH’s brother’s girlfriend.

I know what you mean. You can feel a bit like an incubator- they're excited for the baby, but they don't really care about how you are doing.
It's an IL thing I think.
I had a terrible delivery and they made sure to arrive immediately after to hold the baby/take their photos, and pretty much ignored me- despite being me very unwell. It has really harmed my relationship with them.

What sort of contact do you normally have?

in nine months I’d expect them to have seen you (both of you) in person at least a couple of times.

is it that they haven’t seen explicitly said to you “how are you” during normal visits/family events or have you literally not seen them in person or via phone call for nine months?

I had a very bad pregnancy and my parents and in laws contacted me and I them regularly but I was in and out of hospital etc.

No. And they have only visited once for DH’s birthday. They didn’t show for mine.

My in-laws have been the same. I don’t expect anything from my FIL tbf as he generally keeps himself to himself. My MIL was the same with my 1st pregnancy, until I had complications and she got nasty. Only spoke to me about it to criticise my choices etc.

I’m due my 2nd any time now and she text me for the 1st time about it the other day. Not to ask how I am, just to ask if I’m having another c-section or I’m going to try the normal way this time (I HAD to have a section last time to save my life) She’s made it very clear to DH that she expects to be there the moment I give birth, but hasn’t bothered offering any support or pleasantries otherwise. She literally just wanted to find out when my baby is being born so she can be there and get her picture for Facebook. She’s been hassling DH for info, but in his own words “it’s none of her business” as she’s not asked him how I am, like she didn’t the first time.

We has a great relationship until complications arose in my 1st pregnancy. Births, marriages & deaths can turn people a bit loopy. If someone is intending to invade your postpartum space, the least they can do is check in on you once in a while. It’s incredibly entitled to expect XYZ with someone else’s child, when you couldn’t give a crap about the mother.

YANBU

but how often do you actually see them in person, @WingardiumDoubleToaster, they are only minutes away?

Have you not seen them in 9 months? That would be unusual as you've stated the relationship is generally fine.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah, I have been in hospital also. We saw them at Christmas and they appeared for DH’s birthday. They don’t usually ask how I am - it’s just “how is baby?”. I don’t know… ok I think? Ha.

A very similar experience! I empathise. Yes, I’m just waiting for the daily “any sign yet?” texts all of a sudden now that I’m near the end!

They do sound a bit disinterested to be honest. Firm boundaries will need to be put in place when your baby is here. I don't agree with the trend of not letting visitors come for weeks on end but limits are fine.

Really sorry to hear this. It’s such a vulnerable time, so I’m not surprised you felt that way too. Hope you’re doing better now after your difficult delivery.