MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Can I add to this, I think it’s perfectly normal to ask any pregnant woman how she is, relation or otherwise! I’ve had colleagues that I’ve worked with whose names I barely know, yet I know they’re pregnant and if I was making a coffee at the same time as them or passed them in the hallways I’d always ask them how they’re doing! I wouldn’t press them for information obviously but I would feel so impolite to not acknowledge it

Your post is rude.

What else she needs? Being wished on birthday considering they live 5 minutes away, like they did for their son.

She has had a tough pregnancy and they never asked her how she is doing even when they met in person, while they have been different to gf of the other son.

If they prefer to communicate to their son abour her pregnancy, then they should also only communicate to their son ( nor to op) child rearing advices when the baby arrives.

That's not even vaguely what I said. That kind of strange overreaction doesn't exactly make you sound like you generally behave rationally let alone at the moment

I think it's that you have put all communication about the pregnancy through your DH. I strongly suspect that they therefore assume you don't want to talk to them about it.

I also think that this whole wanting people to be involved in your pregnancy thing is a bit generational as older people I think tend to assume that you want to be private about it.

My own parents didn't ask me at all how I was during pregnancy, I didn't take offence!

If I’m honest, you sound precious and unreasonable.
They have asked after the baby, but DH, which is how you both set it up. When I was pregnant and someone asked how the baby was I’d say oh we’re plodding on or similar. I wouldn’t expect anyone to be then going onto asking after me.
They have seen you a couple of times, and as DH has not registered any concerns they can safely assume all is going well?

Finally, if you want more interaction, why don’t YOU contact them? Relations work two ways, and if you’re not seeking it out with them, they are likely to not seek it out with you.
Your attitude towards it comes across as a little needy - it’s your pregnancy which of course is massive to you, but probably not to anyone else but your DH.

The whole room at the table at Christmas time “well they can’t be called [XYZ] as I hate that name, and I’m not having them going to [XYZ] school either”. We also had a “I would disown them if they come out ginger” joke thrown in for good measure. I am a redhead.

Honestly you couldn't make it up 😂

Very possible! Thanks.

Yanbu - super weird about her planning which nights the baby is sleeping at hers and schools and names etc. I would be fuming

From your OP: The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on.

MIL did check that you were happy for news to be shared.

Thank you!

Just got to this update though, and at that point I would have politely pointed out my hair colour, and also that as it’s not their child they needn’t concern themselves with the name choice. That part sounds d*ckish.

That was a separate occasion to the scan being shared on?

How did you respond to those comments?

I've had a complete stranger asked me on the bus when he sat next to me! I thought it was really kind of him...MN is weird.

Another YABU.

You say yourself your DH needs prompting to share with them.

They live minutes away so why haven't you made an effort to see them since Christmas? They've been generous enough to gift items for the baby.

They respond to your DH when he shares. Maybe if you did the sharing yourself directly they would respond to you too.

That ginger comment is disgusting and not even slightly funny. Sorry OP

this gives much wider context.

they seem off, let DH deal with them and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace

We have invited them around, but they say they’re busy. They also like to host and hosted us a lot before the pregnancy. I also text them; I just don’t get anything back. RE the scan pictures, he is the baby’s father, so why wouldn’t he share them? The baby isn’t mine alone.

Thank you. I was a little thrown by it.

What I found is that pre-existing issues came to the fore when we had children. Like you we’d been together a decade. It didn’t bring up new issues but we both found issues that had always burned became intolerable. We actually went for some counselling separately to get it clear in our minds what we wanted. My DH only went to a couple of sessions and made the decision he wanted to go very low contact with his parents. I went for 2 years!

I just put my head down and carried on eating. I felt a bit embarrassed to be honest. DH was out of the room. Everyone else did a polite/akward giggle.

It sounds like you're not actually very close - my in laws live minutes away and it's rare for us not to see them at least once a week. And that was even before kids.

Could they be taking their lead from you - if you messaged them they might feel more comfortable messaging you?

Has your DH checked why they have gone quiet, not invited you to things like they did previously?

Perhaps I thought we were closer than we are! It’s not impossible. We did see each other more pre-pregnancy though, and we do invite them. They just say they’re busy.

YANBU but it doesn’t seem that unusual either. My in laws were quite formal old fashioned people not big on making a fuss. They were pleased when I was expecting but it was all about telling their friends at Church or the baby resembling great aunt so and so. I was a mere vessel for their grandchild 😆 Thankfully my DH and own parents provided all the excitement and support I needed so it didn’t bother me.
I am afraid you have to lower your expectations of them. Some people just aren’t this way.