MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

I think you are being unreasonable. You're not particularly nice about her attitude at Christmas, so does it bother you that she hasn't asked after you? Don't do a Megan Markle in South Africa.

Look at the positives, your DH is sending her scan photos which she has been complimentary about and she has asked before sharing the news. She has also bought clothes for the new baby. Surely she is following your lead, your DH lets his parents know and you let your parents know. What more do you need?

Surely this is perfectly normal not something to commiserate! My mother was a nurse and did not ‘check in ‘ with my pregnancy further than our usual conversations.
Pregnancy is normal, most people would find it intrusive to be checked on like they are ill or a child. I do of course appreciate that some people have problems etc . But bringing it up uninvited may still be unwelcome?
My in laws are absolutely lovely but would not have enquired about my pregnancy . If I wanted to discuss with anyone- I would do so.

But it's not 9 months is it if you saw them at Christmas.

Their daughter?

Stop being daft. Enjoy the last few days of pregnancy and your new baby. It is the centre if your and tour partner's life. Other people, not so much.

Eta: sorry just saw not their DD. But first grandchild.
Alternative: MIL is on my and would expect you to moan about any attempt at involvement

Do they ask your dh how you are doing?

How am I “not nice” about her? As I’ve said, MIL and I get on well. My point re Christmas is that it seems misaligned to have a lot of strong opinions about my baby, but not once ask how I am during my whole 9-month pregnancy? And I’m not entirely sure what the Meghan Markle comment means as I don’t keep up with that kind of thing, but I’m sure we have very different circumstances.

And would you ever have reached out to them prior to the pregnancy etc to say hello or check in?

I'd take the win in your position. So many threads on MN about overly involved or interfering IL's.
I'm sure once baby is here you won't be able to get rid of them. 😊

MIL asked how baby was doing in response to the scan that they then sent on to my SIL (who is, for clarity, my DH’s brother’s gf). But not how I’m doing.

Same, nor my parents, not in a bad way at all but if i wanted to mention something I did and they were interested in anything I brought up but what did they need to check in on about?

I don't need see the need to have specific conversations over 9 months

100% - including writing references for her, asking if she needs a lift anywhere etc etc.

It sounds like DH isn't especially close to his mother. You live nearby but he sends texts/ emails and doesn't arrange visits. You are one step further removed.
Is his brother closer to MIL? If they are seeing more of each other then it stands to reason that by default she would have had more contact with SIL.

NOT THEIR DAUGHTER. As I have stated in my post, she is DH’s brother’s girlfriend.

Even so, your own parents have been there?

Not sure if you are being unreasonable or not.... it would depend to me how much you saw them previously and what kind of relationship you had with them. If you saw them all the time qnd they took an interesting in your life or has something changed recently? Because if they are being like they normally woul then YABU

This is a good point, yes. This could well be the case.

Then tbh I think your dh needs to pull them up here as to why there is such a discrepancy with how they treat you compared to how they treat his brothers wife.

Your dh needs to set the tone.

I don’t think my MIL and I even had each other’s phone numbers until my youngest dc was probably preschool age. 😂

She definitely wasn’t checking in to ask about my pregnancy. We saw her when we saw her (a few times a year) and any communication went through Dh. I don’t think that’s hugely unusual.

I’m not sure what bearing this has on my point? SIL also had her own parents there for her.

Thanks! He has said himself he’s quite disappointed and doesn’t understand why they’ve been so distant with me, but will expect to be very involved when LO is here.

We’re all adults, things don’t have to be perfectly equal and they have their own relationships.

They may be closer than you, his brother may have a closer relationship with the parents than your husband does, they’re allowed to behave differently depending on the relationship they have with each person?

The checking in wouldn't bother me. If I didn't have the type of relationship where we text each other about our health issues then I wouldn't expect this to change.

The rest of it would piss me off. She shouldn't be saying that she expects to come and visit you in the hospital. I would not want anyone outside my husband and mum to see me with a catheter in, leaking boobs and crying. She is not thinking about the main thing here which is your recovery and bonding with the baby.

I'd also think she was over stepping giving any opinion on names, parenting, deciding when she is going to have the baby overnight. I think you should be speaking to your husband about this so you can make sure you're both on the same page and he can manage their expectations. Eg he should be telling his mum that you're not making any plans for when you're in the hospital, everyone will have to see how the birth and recovery goes and she can see the baby as soon as you're up to it because your health and recovery are paramount

Is it possible that because DH is the one to text them updates and scans, they have taken that as you not wanting the contact with them? I would have thought if you live nearby, you would be popping in for a cuppa and a chat or vice versa and there would be no need for 'how are you' texts. If you want a closer relationship with your in laws, reach out to them and involve them. It sounds like they're excited about the baby but are just not great at keeping up communication.

Yes, I do think this is a fair point. It just feels slightly out of kilter with how they usually are - they seem to have withdrawn MORE since I’ve been pregnant.

Thank you. DH has said the exact same thing, so at least there’s that!