MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Two seperate things, being interested and being overbearing, I commented on the former and the latter hasn't happened, so OP can deal with it as it happens.

You don't have to monitor my posts or agree.

Hi there,Nope sorry she would not be saying or making plans for when baby gets here if she was not making the effort the whole 9 months of your pregnancy,She obviously has her reasons but please do not let her take over when your daughter is born,as you say you done need messages everyday but at text or call occasionally would be nice,I had the best in laws even when I divorced my husband they were still incredible to me..just can't understand this when they're only 5 minutes away..

I'm with you here. It does seem werid, they don't check on you at all?! I'd be feeling peeved and less likely to hand baby over too. It feels like they're using you, to get to your baby, which is a bit rude really.

Yeah that’s shit. People on here can make out as much as they like that you don’t need checking in on, they can ask after you through their son, why do they need to text etc, and they have a point to an extent, but you know very well what side of respectful distance keeping and treating you like an incubator they’re falling on, and I can tell which it is too.

To ask ‘how is baby?’ of a pregnant DiL who has been in hospital and not to ask how they are is shitty. And deliberate. I’m sorry.

You are right, that's an extra contact.

So no contact ... apart from Christmas, DH birthday visit, message about scans, gifts and clothes for the baby, asking how the baby is, replies to all the invitations saying they can't make it... gotcha.

Back in the real world, that's a LOT of communication being sent to someone who's relegated all comms to her DH. If OP needs a personal message each week, she really has to step up and say so.

You are not unreasonable to expect a cursory text to ask how your doing especially as you have said its not been an easy pregnancy! Im glad your parents are giving that sort of support.

The MIL wants to centre herself in this...and once the baby is here she will be annoying AF

It sounds very much like they are treating you like an incubator for their grandchild. I would be setting up very clear boundaries with them from the very beginning - YOU decide if or when they visit you in the hospital, YOU decide when the baby stays overnight at theirs, and obviously YOU decide on YOUR baby's name! They have had their chance to be parents, and they need to step back now. Good luck!

You are right about the difference. OP'S mil has shown no interest in op's well being but has made it obvious that she is going to be an opinionated, over bering MIL once baby is born.

No, it's not. Op has been sick and In laws never asked about her or messaged her in 9 months.

What was your relationship before pregnancy? How often did you see them? Who initiated contact?

Wow I can't believe some of the replies on here. People can come across so rude online. I just wanted to say if this was someone asking strangers at a baby group, for example, that people would try to phrase their answers in a kinder way. I'm sure a lot of these adults online wouldn't speak in these harsh tones if the OP was infront of them. OP is pregnant and feeling fragile about the way her future child's grandparents are treating her. Something like this alone can bring about resentment and put strain in a perfectly normal relationship. Something like this could contribute to Post partum depression so, be kinder people!!

Anyway I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have lovely in-laws. With DH for 16 years since we were 18. In-laws always ask DH how I am and always checked up on how I was when pregnant. However they regularly chat to me anyway even when not pregnant. We have a group chat with DH and in-laws to send photos and generally keep up with what they are up to (both retired and often on holiday). Maybe that is something you could suggest that now with baby coming, you can have a group chat and that way both of you can send them photos and updates. Even if they are replying to your husband, you will see the positivity and can then reply back to them. I'm sure they care a lot about you. Maybe they think that when they reply back to your husband, he passes the messages on to you. Hope the rest of your pregnancy gets better. If you don't want grandparents showing up early to the hospital, tell your husband in advance that he is not to message anyone about the birth until you say so and soak in that time together for as long as you like :)

No, it isn't, it is her brother in laws girlfriend as she stated in the original post.

Most sensible reply on here

It's pretty shocking how people can focus on the baby but not the mother isn't it?

I invited my MIL to the scan of our first baby because despite having other grandchildren she hadn't been to one and my Mum was living overseas. I thought it was going to be a nice bonding moment. Come to the point of being asked about the sex, before I had the chance to say anything she'd answered "yes" to the sonographer. We were told we were having a boy and the first words out of her mouth were "Couldn't you have done better, we've got enough boys in the family, I want a girl!"

I had a very nasty fall down their steep garden when I was 8 months and she looked at me on the ground and walked off. Luckily my husband was only a few minutes behind and helped me up and got me to the car and took me to minor injuries. I was bleeding a fair bit from a gash in my leg that needed 10 stitches.
MIL was irritated that we didn't stay for lunch!

I sympathise with you and I would get your husband to tell her that she will be told when as a family you will be ready for visitors but it won't be immediately after the birth. You need time to recover and for her to respect you as a family.

I think YABU - my in-laws didn’t check in on me at all. My MIL did give me a lift to hospital once when I was bleeding. I had to ask as my husband was away and there was no one else. Even after this they didn’t check up on me. They got updates from my husband so there was no need.

I agree with this. You reap what you sow. You don't give a crap about mom before baby, you don't get special treatment after baby.
I see huge glaring red flags with her referring to your unborn child as 'her baby'. Get yourself and DH on the same page BEFORE you give birth about what you will and will not tolerate as this woman is going to trample all over your boundaries if you don't. It sounds like your ILs are patiently waiting for you to deliver their do-over baby so they can swoop in, keep her all to themselves for 90% of the time and expect you to just retreat back into the distance and suck it up.
Decide when visitors are allowed at the hospital; if you bottle feed, who is allowed to do this?; how many hours per day are they allowed to camp out on your sofa cuddling baby before DH tells them they need to leave? Your DH needs to have your back as you will be a mess of hormones and may not feel able to stand up for yourself.

My mum was very into the future baby (as I expected, she'd been waiting for a grandchild) but MIL & PIL didn't show any interest. They see the kids a couple of times a year now. I think part of it could be an age thing, that they didn't feel old enough to be grandparents (though they were in their 50s and 60s). I'm not sure I personally had an expectation that either set of parents should be as excited as we were, though

You live minutes away but hardly see them? Maybe as you don't go to them or text/call they feel you may not want them to text/call drop in?
Some mil are scared incase they are accused of interfering, maybe if you dropped in to them or you send a text instead of dh then they will feel they can respond, it could just be this. Hope it works out and good luck with baby 👶

OP has contacted her MIL a number of times during her pregnancy inviting her to visit but they have refused every invitation. They didn't even contact her to check that she was OK when she was hospitalised due to pregnancy complications.

Sounds very selfish of them can't believe there are still MIL With this attitude on 2025

Something I read on here once sums it up perfectly:
There’s the bun and there’s the oven. You’re the oven.

Like a 19th century novel !!

It sounds like your in-laws don't really like you. They haven't asked about you because they tolerate you for they're sons sake. Theyre interested in the baby, just not you. You think you get along great with them, but I think this should open you're eyes.

You need your baby bubble time it's not for them to dictate a schedule OR Anything else you will Have to prempt any possible scenarios with boundary statements it IS NOT Their baby but be prepared for sulking etc But Do it NOW & Stick to your guns you should NOT Have to be dealing with this