MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Hmmm this is very possible! Thanks, I hadn’t thought of it that way. See my BIL’s girlfriend doesn’t work, so she is the “go-to” person for MIL. But DH and I both work full time, so we wanted to ensure this was split equally between us, as opposed to me being the “default parent” if you like. He wants to be very hands on, so we were trying to establish that dynamic I suppose.

I didn't expect anyone to check in on me. Nor did I send anyone scan photos. I wouldn't expect to be sent scan photos by anyone, including by my children and wouldn’t know what to do with them.

Really??? If your children sent you a scan photo of your grandchild… you wouldn’t want that?

Possibly ils actually have no interest in you.. Until you give birth to their dgc... Be prepared to enforce harsh boundaries... This isn't their baby.

They don't get to call any shots whatsoever.. Amd I hope dh agrees with you. A big test to your marriage lies ahead.. Imo.

Nope. I had no interest in my own scan photos, let alone anyone else's. They're just a medical image for diagnostics as far as I'm concerned. I never saw them as anything emotional or something to keep.

Didn't really hear from my inlaws during or any years after, they are pretty hands off and were hands off parents too.
My own mum, she was all over the first grandchild who was my siblings, then pretty hands off with me and my kids. She lkves them but the first grandchild was exciting then I think she got over being a grandmother, although she does love us from a slight distance😂

You've set up the relationship so that your DH messages them and they get a few key annual dates. Now that doesn't work for you, you want more messages. Great. Tell them that then. The best way to tell them is to show them by communicating yourself. They probably think you don't want to be hassled by them, and in fairness you do seem very prickly at the moment. If that isn't how you usually are, then make a conscious effort to dust it off and repair matters.

We have WhatsApp with DH, me, PIL. Great for arranging dates, health news, photos, etc. Keeps it light but we're all involved. Separate one including siblings and another extending into cousins. All husbands and wives included. Once the babies arrive, you do find everyone coalesces around the photos so it all gets a lot closer.

I'm surprised you haven't seen them since Christmas if you live nearby Don't you invite them round?

Agree, I think scan photos are just a weird grainy image. Didnt feel any emotions regarding a scan photo.

I don't think YABU but as other posters have said if you have directed all communication through your husband you ILs may think that is how you want it.
If they live so close why is it that you don't see them more frequently?

DH and I live 3 hours from my ILs but we saw them about 6 times during my recent pregnancy, weekend visits at theirs or our house. Regular phone calls, texts, scan images and excitement about the pregnancy and arrival, lots of gifts and support and I had only been in the family for 2 years. Not overbearing ILs but just a very positive relationship.
I think if you want more from them you will need to make more effort. Strange though if they have withdrawn more since pregnancy but you may have created that dynamic by your DH doing all comms.

I have grown up children. I wouldn’t especially want a scan photo. I wouldn’t have dreamt of showing it to anyone other than DH.

I think they are maintaining a boundary over the physical stuff. I don't think I'd ask my DIL beyond a "are you alright" type of question. The personal details of pg are for her mum and sister, not me.

Good luck with the birth.

So even though they only live five minutes away, they haven't bothered seeing you throughout your pregnancy? From the sound of it, they view you as the vessel for their grandchild but not a person in your own right.

I also can't believe that they have told you that the baby looks nothing like you based on a flipping scan photo.

You should certainly be wary of them making demands about having access to the baby without you. As far as the birth and visitors are concerned, agree with your DH what will be best for you and the baby and don't be bullied into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable.

I agree you’re expecting too much, but I also think they are expecting too much as well.

Many times MIL complain about how much they get to look after grandkids compared to the daughters mother, and oftentimes that comes because daughters mum is there offering practical support.

If you MIL wants lots of time and cuddles and input that comes from new, tired parents wanting you to be around because you are a help not because you are entitled to it as a grandparent.

It doesn't sound like you're all actually that close if you live physically close but don't actually see each other outside of major holidays & birthdays?
So in that sense I wouldn't expect them to be that involved in checking in on your pregnancy. Also not super unusual that the texts etc are to their son, my MIL wouldn't text me directly but would ask after me via my husband.
But the fact that they are apparently very interested in dictating how and when they will see the baby already, suggests they do just see you as an incubator and that they could become extremely challenging after the birth.
I know how it feels to be the incubator so you have my sympathies, but I don't have a close relationship with my inlaws so I didn't expect them to be particularly interested in me or how I was managing the pregnancy. My husband and I just discussed clearly in advance our expectations for their involvement so that we were on the same page ready for the inevitable assumptions & opinions that would come from MIL especially.
Honestly you really need to speak with your husband about this in advance. Do you want them at the birth of your child? I didn't even have my own immediate family there or visiting at the house until we felt ready for it.

My MIL was probably little bit more involved than my own mum, just because that's how they are as people. My family don't really share anything with each other and would worry about asking the wrong questions, being intrusive. Whereas that wouldn't really cross my in laws' minds - plus my MIL has lots of experience with babies and would genuinely be more likely to be able to help. My in laws have also been much more involved with DS than my own parents, partly down to their personalities and partly because of my parents' age & illness. It's a little overwhelming at times, but deep down I'm v grateful to have my in laws. Now my mum has dementia, I think my MIL does v carefully try to make sure I know she's there for me too.

The point of which is - people are just different and have all sorts of hang ups about what the right thing to do / say is. It sounds a little bit odd not to ask how you are, but who knows why.

Not helpful but …I really hate the phrase “ hands on dad “ and describing some as that , like it’s a pretending style he will adopt, and isn’t he great “ oh he’s a hands on dad! “ makes me wince. No one ever describes a mum as “hands on “ how else are you going to raise a child unless you both use your hands and get involved

anyway … I think you are right they have been a bit neglectful , however asking “ how baby? “ whenever they see you is asking after you , you could always say baby is fine I am blah blah
makes sure your wished are clear going forward and try not to let this damage your good relationship

How was your relationship before you were pregnant?
Do you ever phone or text them yourself?
Pop in to see them without DH?

I have a great relationship with my inlaws but I have worked at it. I think it was worth the effort but it would have been a lot easier at the beginning to leave DH to make contact with them.
Why didn't you send the scan photos?

You say they've asked you and your OH about the baby, I suppose that's their way of asking how it's all going?

I wouldn't expect any specific pregnancy checking in but I would expect to have more of a relationship with family members or in laws living so close by.

Personally I wouldn't be impressed with someone that had never been particularly bothered with me who suddenly bobbed up and expected cute times with my babies when it suited them. Agree with PP, I'd feel like I'm an incubator.

Yours is quite a weird attitude though. Most people who are expecting a baby will show the scan photo to friends and relatives, as it's normally confirmation that the pregnancy is going well and that, at that stage, everything looks fine with the baby.

yabu.

Be grateful your MIL isn't constantly trying to interfere.

I think you’re expecting too much.
Im not sure what type of checking in you would expect.
i have a lovely relationship with my in laws and they made it to the hospital to visit before my own parents! (They wanted to see baby and my mam wanted to see me).

They predominantly communicate with my husband and if anything was going on in my pregnancy (which wasn’t straight forward!) he kept them updated!

My closest friends didn’t do regular checking up….we just messaged as normal and if something was happening I would let them know.

My in laws are lovely grandparents and my daughter has a lovely bond with them.

Pregnancy is a normal part of life, it is very special to you and your husband.
But outsiders it’s not.

You sound like bloody hard work. You're pregnant, not on your death bed for goodness sake.

Never gave this a thought when I was pregnant and we lived closer to my IL's than to my parents. Certainly don't remember any 'checking-in' or offering to help with anything much when I was pregnant but they are good grandparents to our children. Never felt that I needed anything from them during pregnancy.

But MIL has made it clear that she will be trying to interfere once the baby is born. OP has said:

'MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born.'

MIL isn't at all interested in OP and how she is doing but that will all change once the baby is here.