MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

I’ve answered all of this in the comments or in the post. Yes, I did. We saw eachother a lot more. I go out of my way to do a lot for my MIL when I’m physically able. And my husband sent the scan images (which they have said want to see btw, to all the posters saying they hate scans) because he’s the father, so why not?

That's terrible, I'm so sorry.

Thanks! I have some people making out I’ve never spoken to them before in my life before I was pregnant, yet I expect them to massage my feet every day all of a sudden. 😂 We have always seen eachother regularly and had a good relationship, but they have both gone very quiet since I’ve been pregnant, despite me being in and out of hospital with serious health conditions, whilst simultaneously having a lot of opinions on baby girl before she’s even here. Just seems odd to me!

Goodness, that’s awful. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Maybe they're not interested in pregnancy. Yours or anyone's. Other people's pregnancy isn't fascinating. Maybe unless you're also pregnant to compare experiences.

I'd hope your mum would be more engaged with it. But once someone's kids have grown up, all that stuff is very far in the past.

You're not unwell, so they probably don't think you need much anyway.

Hopefully when the child is older they'll enjoy spending time with them.

You must be very kind and caring if you think a text or two, or a visit/invite with a “how are you?”, across a period of 9 months is needy.

YABU. Pregnancy is not interesting or exciting for anyone else. Perhaps your husband. Perhaps not. The baby is what matters and she’s not born yet. Hopefully they’ll be great grandparents, I don’t see why not. But it’s a relationship that’s theirs and their grandchild’s.

I don’t blame you!

Be nice to her when you meet her. But block her on phone and let your dh update on any sign messages.

OP you really don’t deserve some of the unsympathetic replies you’re getting, you’re entitled to be upset about it and to feel your own emotions! I think people are all just different, check ins with my partner’s parents would drive me nuts as I’m already providing these with everyone on my side. Perhaps they realise that you have a relationship with your own parents and are maybe having to provide updates that side and they don’t want to bombard you, I know I’ve always felt it’s my partner’s responsibility to keep his side updated and mine for my side, I wouldn’t want to field questions from everyone so maybe they’re just conscious of that? Does your SIL have her own close family relationships? If not maybe they’ve tried to fill that void but don’t need to with you and don’t want to overstep. I would just try and enjoy the peace now until the baby arrives as I’m sure the interest will ramp up once they’re here. Only thing I would say is if your MIL has all these plans around when the baby is born, especially being at the hospital immediately following the birth, I would nip this right in the bud and have a conversation with your DH now about not making any commitments until after your birth so you’re both on the same page!

edited to add: yes I do think it’s weird that when you’ve seen them they’ve not asked how you’re doing! I know you shouldn’t need to but could you broach the subject with them so show that you’re happy to discuss it?

Are you new here? On MN the rule is nobody should expect anyone, especially close family, god forbid, to be even the tiniest bit interested in pregnancies, grandchildren, weddings, birthdays, deaths etc.

Meanwhile, in the real world, it's extremely normal, and actually pretty common, to ask a pregnant relation how she is, to be excited about grandchildren, to want to hear about wedding plans, to celebrate birthdays etc.

I knew how this thread would go as soon as I read it. This place is a strange parallel universe at times.

The communication is between your DH (their son) and then. He sends the pictures (which you are happy with), they reply to him.

Not sure why they would also message you.

Of course we do! And I’m not asking them to visit specifically to ask about my pregnancy (we have invited them, and they used to host us a lot before I was pregnant), nor do I expect they text to say “how were your bloods at the hospital? How is your urine sample this week?” 😂 I just feel they have withdrawn since I’ve been pregnant and it seems a little unusual. They will ask how baby is (I don’t know?? She’s just in there???) but not how I am, even when I’ve been in and out of hospital. This, combined with the very strong opinions re LO before they’re here, is what has me a bit confused.

No, me either

Has your DH asked them. If you guys are both stewing about this change in dynamic for 9 months I think he needs to bite the bullet.

They’re his parents, not strangers. Some ILs on the Dads side know how precarious things get during pregnancy and can step back to avoid any offence or over steps

regardless if you are hurt, just ask.

Gosh - you sound high maintenance. If you have only seen them twice in the five months from Christmas to the end of April you're clearly not that close to them. Ditto your DH. They are sending gifts and acknowledgements via him which presumably are meant to be shared with you. They are engaging in scan photos but being respectful by checking who they can be shared with. They sound like they're trying not to be overbearing but you're on here complaining about a lack of engagement - no wonder they're terrified to set a foot wrong if this is typical of your behaviour.

Yes, me too

😂 you should rip up a scan in their face if your DD or DS hands you one apparently! Even if you have asked for it. Disgusting scans!! 😡

Yes op, it is weird and I think very un-caring of them. I don't have an amazingly close relationship with my DIL but I always asked to speak to her when I had a video call with my son when she was pregnant (they live abroad).

I'd just ask how she was doing, tell her she was looking great etc. I'm sure she appreciated it and I know my son certainly did.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.

What comes around, goes around.

You're just the incubator. Once the baby arrives you won't be able to get shot of them.

They are not checking who they can be shared with! This is my exact point. I’ve said in my post there that MIL sent it on to my BIL’s gf without asking us. So she has time to text her, but not me?

It's a bit weird sending them scans. Unless there's a problem I can't see why they need to check on you. You've got your DH there. Sorry don't get it at all.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

Who are they expressing all these strong opinions regarding the baby to??!

They want to see them!