MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

poor. thats the difference between parents and in-laws.

I think you are being a touch needy.

What YOU and DH allow after birth is up to you. She can't dictate.

Unbelievable entitlement. Also, who cares about scans apart from the parents-to-be? How odd to send scans to people. If your PILs are over the age of 30, they may have their own health to worry about, you will understand it when you hit their age. And you are not their blood - without any doubt, they will love their grandchild, but it will be their blood. What is it with MNers - trying to claim other people's parents' emotions and feelings - you have your own parents to think about you 24/7, if you were brought up that way, but to expect somebody else's parents to have the same level of involvement?

It may well be. But I find it weird anyone shares scan images at all. I would make polite noises if someone insisted on sharing one but I'd never expect one or ask for one or share one with anyone else. Not that I could have done if I was asked because I didn't keep any.

I would have hated my PIL checking in on me. We don't have that sort of relationship so I would have found it invasive. In turn, I won't do that with any future DILs I have so I think it's really a question of individual relationships and expectations.

I can’t get over how little you see them considering they are minutes away. If I’m understanding it correctly you saw them at Christmas and on DH’s birthday, so twice in four months?
My Dd lives 2.5 hours away and I have seen her 5 times in that period. It seems like you don’t really have a very close relationship if you don’t even pop in for 30 minutes for a coffee.

Does DH never visit them? What was contact like before your pregnancy? I can't believe you live so close and hardly see them. Do you expect them to do all the communicating/visiting? If you live so close why wouldn't you take a scan photo to them?

@WingardiumDoubleToaster you say you have a good relationship with them, how do you measure that? If you live 5 minutes away and hardly see them I'm not sure that is a good relationship

YABU I’m sorry to say. I’ve had a few ‘how’re you getting on’ texts from my parents through pregnancy but wouldn’t expect the same with in laws. They’re fab and have been very hands on with first born, but not through the pregnancy and I wouldn’t expect them too to be honest (or necessarily want them too!).

I would put some boundaries in place now though. It sounds like they may be quite intrusive when baby is here so if you need space then I’d make you DH aware of what you expect from him in terms of boundary setting now. I wouldn’t have had anyone except DH & DD at the hospital for example. Early motherhood is a very vulnerable time.

Yeah, I guess it’s that misalignment that has thrown me. They seem to want to be very involved in GD’s life when she’s here (VERY involved 😂), but haven’t bothered with us during the pregnancy. They bothered with us more before. It seems a bit odd to me. DH and I totally on the same page with it. I think he’s quite disappointed in their lack of support and definitely agrees that they shouldn’t be making demands re what we call our child, etc etc.

We saw them more before pregnancy. BBQs, cups of tea etc. They enjoy hosting a lot, so usually they would invite us around as opposed to the other way around. That’s how we worked pre-pregnancy. But they’ve been super quiet since I’ve been pregnant.

My mum was in the camp of “you are not Ill when you are pregnant” so categorically would not ask how i was out of principle. She also would never ever ring me or come and see me. I had to go to her. This is because I moved an hour and a half away from my home town for work and she was livid about it.
I was actually very ill when I was pregnant so I don’t know why she point blank refused to believe that and she insisted she always felt amazing throughout her pregnancies.
We get on ok now although she clearly has some strange ways or possibly mental health issues (I’m not a professional so who knows but she doesn’t behave in a way I could consider normal). So based on my experience having an in law check on you would be lovely but not really the norm or to be expected. My in laws were also a nightmare and encouraged their son to be violent to me so I honestly think if your in laws just ignore you then that is better than a lot of other outcomes.
I intend to be the sort of in law that would check on her daughter in law and be nice to them!

I can't believe people are saying OP is expecting too much. Really??? Not even a little text to check up on her or pay a visit but then MIL is acting so excited for when the baby comes?? It's clear, they are only interested in the baby and not OP which just isn't fair.

Mostly because they are very busy people - they do lots of sports etc, as does my DH. So it’s easier just to send. We did take the very first scan around in person. We saw them more pre-pregnancy as they used to host a lot and tend to enjoying hosting more than being hosted, if you like. But they’ve gone extra quiet since I’ve been pregnant.

If they are talking about having your baby stay with them ( a big NO from me)
Saying she will look like MIL and other similar things, you should be pleased you don’t see them.
Meant kindly

Sorry, sent a message before seeing the updates.

MIL isn't at all interested in OP and how she is doing but that will all change once the baby is here

@thepariscrimefiles has nailed it. MIL is only interested in the baby, not how OP is.

So you say they’ve bought things for the baby. Do you not phone them and thank them and have a conversation?
I think to call/visit someone to specifically ask about their pregnancy is a bit intrusive.

But if your DH is texting them updates then they are probably asking him these questions. Perhaps if you sent it or had a WhatsApp chat then they would? They are probably not wanting to overstep as if you've not sent any of the texts then they probably think you don't want them to?

My inlaws lived 5 mins away, my own parents 4+ hours away.

Almost zero interest from the inlaws during my pregnancies then overwhelming presence when dc were born. It made me cross and our relationship suffered. After the first couple of months it disappeared and my kids saw far more of my own parents (who live 200 miles away) than the inlaws.

Maybe they just dont like you because of how needy you come across?

I agree that it’s very normal, as does my DH. It’s almost like people saying “Dad is babysitting today”. I’m describing it this way, though, as my BIL and his girlfriend have a more… traditional… dynamic, as did MIL and FIL, so I suppose I’m just describing how we’ve “positioned” it to them.

My in-laws referred to me being rush by ambulance to another hospital after our first born as a magical half an hour because my DH had the baby to himself. That put the final nail into both my and my DH’s relationship with them.

YANBU. If they have shown no care to you while you've had a difficult pregnancy, you don't have to take their opinions on baby's names, how you should raise her. They had massive boundaries with you, now you can draw your own boundaries.

They don't have to see the baby the day she is born. They can see her later when you are ready.

Personally, I think you are not being unreasonable. Of course you'd expected someone to at least be like hi how are you? How's the pregnancy going...or whatever. Not every day of course but just even a couple of times here and there. It shows they care. I think you are in foe a bit of a rough ride after baby being born , your MIL sounds the type to become completely overbearing!!