AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

So you explicitly asked that this be kept a secret from your daughters? And your mother decided otherwise?

or you never said?

By it being this big secret, your indicating to your daughters that it’s something to be ashamed of or keep on the low down.

I think it was a crap thing to do, was your choice how to handle it. I think your mother crossed a line and I’m sorry that it happened

To be honest I'm with your mum here it's unnecessary to lie to your children about this situation and in doing so you've made it a much bigger deal than it would have been if you'd been honest from the beginning.

He is still their grandad even though he's not your father but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable pretending he was your actual dad either.

She crossed a line. It was your story to tell.

Had you and your mother ever explicitly talked about not telling your kids? If you had never discussed it, then choosing to tell the truth seems like the default.
Or is there more too it?

I think a lot depends on what happened.

If she just randomly decided to tell them then that is not OK.

But she was in the shop with the children for example and your biological father was there and he said something to her. Or if someone else said in front on the children “I see giraffes dad works in specsavers on the high street’ and she was in a position where she had to lie then I can see her point.

I think both can be true. You're allowed to be upset that you know have to have conversations with your children that you didn't want to/aren't ready to have. Also she was within her rights to not want to maintain a lie.

But she could have told you directly she was uncomfortable lying and had that discussion with you rather than going directly to the kids and catching you off guard. Sounds like it could have all been handled a bit better. Guess the important thing is what happens next, how to clear the air.

I was raised in a family which had little half truths like this and now as adults my siblings and I either don't talk to our parents or at least don't trust their word easily. I take everything they say with a big pinch of salt and I never quite know if the stories I've been told throughout my life are true or not. I also don't really believe others easily, I'm very skeptical and expect that I'm being lied to a lot of the time. It doesn't build firm foundations of trust. Perhaps something to think about.

I’d be fuming, she totally went behind your back to tell them at the first opportunity. I feel for you, also I feel for your step dad, it’s clear in your mums eyes that he was never your father and that’s so shit for him and you 😢

It wasn’t your mother’s place to tell your children. I would be upset.

I was about 6/7 when another child pointed out my grandad couldn't be my real grandad, my mum and I would be mixed race if he was her bio dad.

If you and your step dad have forged a father daughter relationship, it doesn't matter who the bio is. Any man can produce sperm not all men can be a father.

Your children do need to know the truth I understand you would rather have told them. It's in the open now, just explain to them best you can in an age appropriate way.

He’s always just been known as my dad to me which she has known, tbh it’s not the fact that she’s said my dad is my step dad that’s fine whatever lots of people have step dads it’s no big deal, it’s the fact that she’s told them that my real dad works in a shop in the village that we live and I don’t see him like what’s the need! She has done it on purpose as that’s what she’s like there isn’t any confusion - I have pulled her on it and she’s basically said it’s her truth to tell. There wouldn’t have been any questions from my children as nothing to question she’s just told them point blank. And no she doesn’t like my step dad and she sort of thinks it’s funny tbh.

You're both in the wrong. She shouldn't have gone against your wishes but you should never have lied. Did you really believe it wouldn't come out? Particularly if he lives locally!

when were you going to tell them??

It doesnt make him less of a granddad.

Not being prepared to lie is fair enough but that didn’t mean she had to deliberately tell them either, I doubt they asked her directly if your stepdad was your real dad. Even if they did she could have said something vague and then talked to you about it.
I do think 5 & 7 is old enough to be told the truth though OP, telling kids stuff like that is usually best done sooner rather than later

It's done now, as annoying as it is there's no point having a row about it unless it's item number 15 in the list of things your mum ignores you about.

Sit the kids down and explain that there are also biological connections based on who created a baby, and there is another man who helped create you, but he didn't raise you. Explain that dad is someone who raises you, cares for you, plays with you and dreams with you, while a grandad does all the caring, playing and dreaming again. That's why StepDad is your dad and their grandad. Think before the chat what you want to say if they ask to see him through the window / meet him.

It was a strange thing for her to do, surely it’s opening a wound for herself, as well as you. And given you have honoured your step-dad with being official Grandad, it must feel a bit of a slap in the face for him too.
Family isn’t always about blood.
Im surprised she would want to make them aware of her absent ex, because creating that curiosity could end up dragging him back into all of your lives.

No it wouldn’t have come out about my real dad because no one has any contact with him and I have no desire for any relationship. It’s just the fact that she’s doesn’t care what I say she’ll do whatever she wants and tell them whatever as she has said to me.

It’s a long list of things that she likes to do.

Did she know it was a state secret?

I don’t see how it’s a lie, he is your dad he’s just not your biological dad but I don’t see how it’s important or a lie.

she was definitely out of order telling them where your biological father is. Especially as you don’t have a relationship with him

Lies like this are always a bad idea. I’m sorry you’re so upset but it’s better out in the open in the long run. Do you have half siblings by him?

But it wasn't, was it? They were talking about her husband. Why should she lie about it?

I dunno. I’m not unsympathetic to you because it’s annoying but I don’t think you can police what other people say to your children. As nice as that would be.

She sounds like a defiant arsehole.