AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

A lie is a lie and this is a big one. People like to know where they come from. Not just that but it shows what you’re capable of. If it was me who’d just discovered the truth I’d feel like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet and I’d view you in a completely new light

Where are you getting "the first opportunity" from?

Let's just stick to what we know without inventing evil motivations to how this happened!

If your mother felt your children, her grandchildren, should know the truth then she should have discussed it with you first. That is what any decent person would have done.
She told your children not knowing how it would affect or if it would hurt them. All she cared about was getting one over on you and your Dad. That was cruel and vindictive.
She has now moved on to trying to hurt your children. Time for you to pull back and tell her why. Be clear your children are your priority and you are withdrawing to protect them. Let her deal with the consequences of her nastiness.

It seems like she seeks attention by behaving badly. I’d seriously limit the time you and DC spend with her. Of course she was bang out of order, she knows it and she doesn’t care about your feelings about it which is a big red flag to me.

Very religious but two failed relationships? Also the catholic church endorses evolution, it's some of the crackpot protestant sects that don't and think the earth is 6,000 years old etc...

It’s strange that she even felt it was her place to tell them.

If she felt strongly about them knowing then she should have asked you to tell them.

You are both in the wrong. Her for overstepping, but ultimately you for keeping a big secret. There is noting shameful about this set up. You should have been open with your child.

Given her attitude, I would not blame you if you didn't want her having unsupervised time with your children,@giraffes2021, so if I were you, I'd cut this out for the moment - and tell her why.

"Mum - if I can't trust you to back up my parenting decisions, even when you disagree with them, then I can't have you looking after the children on your own. I love Stepdad, and he has been a wonderful dad to me for most of my life - and he's a wonderful grandad to my children. I am lucky to have him in my life and theirs, and you had no right to tell them he's not their 'real' grandad."

IMO, you make a mistake trying to keep something like this secret. Your step dad is your father, and their grandfather, but biologically not. You give this power by trying to ignore it and make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. The older they get the harder it would be to tell them. Little kids are very excepting of situations, you’d have been better off being open about it. They would have found out one day and the older they were, the more upset it would have caused. She’s done you a favour, however unpleasant she is generally. I’d step back from her if I was you.

YANBU to be annoyed at your mum doing this without discussing it with you first. However I don't really understand why you didn't just explain this to your DC yourself in some age appropriate way before now . To not have done so when they were really little, has turned this unnecessarily into some dark family secret.
I totally get why you are unhappy with your loser of a father though.

I'm in a similar situation and would be upset by the way it was told to my children. It definitely sounds like your mum was just trying to be difficult.

My kids have always known that the person they call Grandad isn't actually my father, and that my father wasn't a very nice man. It's not something they consider to be a big deal because it's not some big secret that they discovered. YABU unreasonable for not having this conversation before. You said they are too young, but they're not really. It's something they could have grown up knowing. And while your mother may not have told them in the best way, it does involve her too, so she did have the right to say it and not keep it secret. There's nothing shameful about having a step-parent or a previous relationship.

Whilst it's unnecessary to lie, the mum was still completely out of order to just go ahead and tell the kids.

She should have voiced concerns with OP and had a discussion about it. OP is their mother, not her.

She was completely out of line.

So her desire to say whatever she feels she wants to is more important than your wishes as a parents, or whatever may or may not be best for your kids?

Maybe the best thing is that you did tell them soon, who knows, but if I were you I'd be fuming.

At 7 & 5 this is unlikely to be a problem with the children. Teenagers, possibly.

I think you are very rigid in your thinking. What you wrote sounds like something the mother/grandmother would say.

The step-dad has been part of OP's life since she was 5. He is the Dad she grew up with and is clearly a major figure in her life. To her, he is her Dad and letting her children know that is definitely not lying. Being a dad is so much more than ejaculation. Matters about who had unprotected sex with whom are not suitable topics of discussion with young children under these circumstances. The man they call grandad - and if OP believes that her Dad (the one she grew up with) - is going to be a good grandad to her children and it's no one else's affair than his and OP's. The plumbing details can be left until such time as the children have more understanding of adult behaviours.

And for what it's worth - OP, I think you should be very careful about giving your mother unsupervised access to your children. She clearly has no respect for your wishes and for instance, her stance about evolution, dinosaurs and goodness knows what, is going to cause your children a great deal of ridicule and harm if they start repeating what she's teaching them. Please be careful for their sake.

You are making a huge thing out of a thing that was never a big deal in the first place. You should have just said something along the lines of 'that's true that man is my dad too. But there are two things that can make someone a dad- one is giving some of the instructions to help make a baby, and the other is helping that baby grow up and learn. The man in the village gave the instructions that helped make me but my other dad was there helping me every day. So I have two dads, but the first one I don't really know very well.' Honestly of some form is always the best policy. I'm pretty sure your kids would have thought no more about it.

Stop her doing the school pick up right now. Shows her that actions have consequences as well as taking your kids out of her poisonous presence.

She sounds like a self centred idiot to be fair.

Anyone saying that "telling the truth is the default" is also being idiotic. The default when speaking to someone else's children about anything sensitive is first, don't mention it yourself and second, if asked say "you should maybe talk to your parents about that".

Cerainly you can't police it. You have to rely on people you supposedly trust having the sense they were born with. Doesn't stop you being pissed off with them when they prove not to have.

But he depending on OPs relationship with him he is her dad. My DH dad is not his father but he is the one who has been there for the last 37 years. He is one who was there for every holiday, Christmas, birthday, graduation, scraped knee and banged finger when DH was let loose with a hammer. It was OPs decision if, how and when she told her children.

Oh well then, yeah. A fucking moron.

Sher's not asking for instructions on how to handle it with her kids; I'm sure she's perfectly capable of doing that. She's asking whether everyone would think her mother is an arsehole.

Honestly, I think you should have told them, and if you didn’t want her telling them you should have made that clear. So, I do think YWBU. But it sounds as though she is pretty unreasonable in general.

Secrets and lies never made anyone's life better.

This is awful behaviour from your mother. The worst part imo is her telling you that you live in a fantasy world. It sounds downright nasty like she doesn't want you to enjoy the fatherly love from your stepdad. He sounds like a great man. I'm sorry your two biological parents have been so crap to you.

I'd step back from her.