AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

Theyre little kids!! OP I’m so sorry your mum did this, she sounds a lot to deal with

This sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle

That, I quite understand. The biology of OP's situation could have waited a few years though.

Hahahaha quite true

Thank you for this. I mean I appreciate people saying I should have told them already surely people aren’t explaining this sort of things to 3/4 year olds?! Yeah maybe when they are about 10 or something, they didn’t need to know about my bio dad living close by. She has done it purely out of spite as she doesn’t like me having contact with my STEP dad let alone my children.

I know I really need to have a think about my next steps on this as it feels like the final straw, if I asked her to not push her beliefs on god etc she wouldn’t do that she would stand firm on her belief, so the bottom line is she has no respect for me or my wishes for my children.
its all about her when ultimately the most important part in this is the children.

I think YABU. This was always likely to come out at some point. Would have been better to be honest about this from the outset

You say from the offset but at what age

It is not a 'favour' to undermine someone else's parenting decisions, just because you disagree with them, @user3879208717, excepting truly dangerous things - letting a child run around the supermarket car park behind reversing cars, for example.

In this case, @giraffes2021 has made a decision that it is not yet the right time to explain the relationship between her and her stepdad to her children. She thinks they are not ready to know yet, and regardless of anyone else's opinion on the matter, it is not up to other people to decide how she should parent her children!

When children are adopted, the professional advice is to introduce it from the earliest opportunity, before they understand it

That way, you avoid "the big reveal" (which can be distressing for children when they realise the adults in their lives have not been honest with them), or the info being shared in an unplanned way (as happened to you)

I 💯 see why you are annoyed. It was a non issue until your mother decided to make it one.

I don't believe that at 5 or 7 your kids asked your mother directly if your step dad was your real dad. Then to qualify such a thing with the shop information is just basic shit stirring, most likely under the guise of innocence - "i don't want to lie, it's my truth to tell" these statements make it almost impossible for you to say anything to her.

I would be fuming. It really doesn't matter who your bio dad is as he isn't the one that has been your father your whole life. Very difficult to explain nuance like that to children.

I also don't think you were lying to your children by not telling them or creating some big family secret - it's a fact of life sometimes the sperm donor isn't the actual father.

Your mum sounds bitter, sorry you're dealing with this.exactly the kind of batshit thing my own mother would do.

Presumably she is alone with your children then?

i would stop this. From what you say she sounds like someone I would NOT want looking after my children

As for her telling your children this, I find it very strange that you’d never told her not to mention nor that it had never been mentioned before but different strokes for different folks

And the SD doesn’t know yet? How do you know he doesn’t know? What’s his relationship like with your children?

My cousin was born in the 60s to an unmarried mother (my aunty) and the dad did a moonlit flit! My aunty married my uncle before my cousin was one and had another child with my uncle. She adored her 'dad' but didn't understand why his family treated her differently to her brother. I am a couple of years older and I knew for a long time that my uncle was not her bio dad but it was obvious she didn't and I never brought it up. When she was 18 she, by chance, started talking to a lady who told her she was her grandma. She was devastated and really went off the rails for a couple of years, especially as her bio dad was not interested in a relationship. I think honesty is the best policy and children should be told in an age appropriate way. Saying that dm should have kept her mouth shut!

This family sounds all round bloody awful

At 5 and 7 years old?? I think not. Children don’t think that deeply!

Yeah I’m trying to shield my kids from the crap parents I’ve been given

Yeah I completely agree in that instance ! That’s awful poor girl!

im so glad you’ve said this! It was a non issue it wasn’t that I was lying to my children it’s the fact that they don’t even understand what biology means!! They don’t understand how a baby is even made yet so what is the point in trying to explain the smaller details !!

and yes she was shit stirring that’s exactly what she was doing! He was visiting at the weekend and that would have annoyed her and she decided to pull that one instead. There would have been no questions from my little ones as what would be there questions when they know no different. She pulled the I didn’t know which dad they were referring to card.

she has messaged me today to ask if I’m sulking about it still!!! I can’t even bring myself to speak to her. My DP wants me to stop her collecting the kids altogether.

Lying to children about their family/ancestors never goes well, OP.

i am not lying it’s not lying when they are just too young to understand.

Thanks so much for this!

This. It’s arguably the least important part of what makes a family.

It was an odd thing for her to share with your daughter, but if she didn't know it was off limits then she's not BU. However, how she acted afterwards is pretty shocking. Why she doesn't want you to see your stepdad as your father is very strange.... Blood is not always the most important thing, he has been your father all this time.