AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

Op it’s done now

don’t create a big rift over it

Given you and her don’t seem to get on well at the best of times, it’s odd you didn’t think best to be clear you didn’t want the children to know until you were ready to tell them (although is it that big a deal?)

I bet your mum lies about Santa

This is definitely how I feel right now. I can’t trust her, she will point out people that are overweight to the child and call them fat and has said about people in mobility scooters if they walked they wouldn’t be overweight. There is a lot more to this “secret” it’s just the icing on the cake for me.

I wouldn’t put it past her to tell them!

My grandchildren always called by DH grandad and it wasn't until they were old enough to ask why they had 3 grandads that we explained. It was not a big deal. Your mum's totally out of order here.

So sit her down and ask her never to

People will have differing opinions on what your children should be told. I would tend towards the truth because it will always come out at some point. I would rather be in control of that BUT it is not choice to make and nor is it your mothers.
Your mother has crossed a line and I’d be cross but it’s done now.

Sweet Jesus op

i wouldn’t want such a person in the vicinity of my children. How often do you subject your children to her and hopefully never alone?

Does your SD give a hoot that they know?

If your step dad was always just dad and that's what you call him, then telling your children that this person you hardly know is your real dad, when your stepdad has always been your dad in everything but sperm, sounds designed to hurt you, not for honesty. If she had said he was your biological father she might have a leg to stand on.

Yes - reframed as a woman being told she can't share the facts of three of the closest relationships in her life (husband, daughter, husband) and OP looks unreasonably controlling.

It's also unnecessarily infantilising that this has been kept from the children for so long.

Your mother should not have said anything and let you handle it if the subject ever came up or when you chose to tell your kids. I have two sons, 14 and 4, the youngest is mine whilst the oldest is my exes son. His biological mother left when he was 4 and has had absolutely nothing to do with him since, no one even knows where she is. He considers me his mother and I consider him my son the same as my little one. My eldest son and I have discussed this recently actually and I told him it is his choice in the future when he wants to tell his little brother the truth, but it isn't a bad thing at all. Same as you, OP, I feel at 4 years old my child doesn't need to know the ins and outs and would much less understand it yet. Your mother shouldn't have interfered and caused the confusion, she was 100% in the wrong.

There's obviously a reason why she doesn't have anyone in her life apart from you and your kids. She sounds like a trouble-making stirrer and is obviously jealous that you still have a lovely relationship with your step-dad, even though they aren't still together.

I assume from the dinosaur comment that she doesn't believe in evolution? She sounds ridiculous and seems to be an unsuitable person to have around your kids. I'd pull right back like your sister has done.

Exactly when they are old enough it would have come up and I would have that discussion. They have only just turned 5&7 she would have been smiling all the way home.

Seems like a good time to have a conversation about the difference between a biological dad and a real dad? If they’re old enough? X

What has your SD said?

Do you have much to do with your mother? Presumably you don’t ever leave your children alone with her given what you say about her?

She sounds vindictive

So you weren’t around when she told them?

No she absolutely doesn’t believe in evolution or anything like that. Her belief is very much god, she can’t believe that I don’t believe as she sent me to a catholic school we have had many discussions surrounding that also because she hates that I am unsure of my feelings or religion. She also stated the other week that all transgender males are peadophiles. This is just a snippet of the things she comes out with.

it’s sad really as she gives me anxiety spending anytime with her she collects my children 3 days a week from school but that’s not me putting it on her she asked if she could. Very close to putting a stop to that tbh.

You rely on her for childcare

given what you say about her

good grief

If it came up naturally I don’t see anything wrong with telling them the basic facts but the way she’s done it isn’t nice. Biology is irrelevant, he’s Dad and Grandad; it’s maybe a nice way to have a chat with your kids about chosen family and how lucky you all are.

I haven’t told him yet he will just probably shake his head and say well that’s your mother for you. I do see her weekly but im struggling. She has the children very occasionally alone.

No I wasn’t there

I don’t rely on her I don’t need her to collect the children she doesn’t work so asked if she could as gives her something to do some days.