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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really mad about this??

174 replies

giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 07:36

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 29/04/2025 08:19

giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 07:57

He’s always just been known as my dad to me which she has known, tbh it’s not the fact that she’s said my dad is my step dad that’s fine whatever lots of people have step dads it’s no big deal, it’s the fact that she’s told them that my real dad works in a shop in the village that we live and I don’t see him like what’s the need! She has done it on purpose as that’s what she’s like there isn’t any confusion - I have pulled her on it and she’s basically said it’s her truth to tell. There wouldn’t have been any questions from my children as nothing to question she’s just told them point blank. And no she doesn’t like my step dad and she sort of thinks it’s funny tbh.

To be fair, your bio dad is as much her story to tell as it is yours.
I wouldn’t have handled it the way she did, but then I think you’re being a little entitled to think you can curate your mother’s history and lie to your children.
It’s messy, but you don’t really have the right to be angry with her.

kindnessforthewin · 29/04/2025 08:21

Are they old enough to understand what a step Dad is and that people have children but sometimes don’t stay together and meet someone else? My eldest is just shy of turning 3 so definitely doesn’t but not sure about 5&7. Seems a strange thing for your Mum to do without running past you first or sharing any concerns. When would you have told them? If it was soon, or you had a well thought out plan for when the day would come, she’s really over stepped the mark.

InALonelyWorld · 29/04/2025 08:21

I can see both sides of this but I don't believe you are being UR at all. Whilst I don't agree with lying to children like this, it was your story to tell your children about and I can understand your upset over all of this, especially the level of detail your mum has given about your bio dad.

On a different level i can sort of relate to you. I have a fair amount of childhood trauma from abuse and neglect with my mum which led to me spending a significant amount of time in care. My youngest brother, who wasn't born at the time, likes to question, blame and joke about these experiences. This is my trauma and my story, if i wish to tell it. It puts the fear in me that my DC will learn about these events through them in a graphic way and much sooner than I will be comfortable sharing some of these details. So I have had to reduce contact for my own and my DC's wellbeing.

Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:23

The thing is it wasn’t a lie because my children don’t know any different she made a decision to tell them the truth as it wouldn’t have been a question . Fair enough appreciate that it’s also her ex partner never married.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:26

She would have taken great joy in telling them this. She has really loved it if she had come to me and said look I’m not comfortable with them keep calling him your dad etc I would have said right fine fair enough but to also tell them about my biological dad etc is there any need really! 5&7 not old enough to understand why there’s a grandad who doesn’t see them.

OP posts:
Greenartywitch · 29/04/2025 08:29

Your mother should not have done this and instead let you speak to your kids about it in your own time when they were a bit older.

The fact that you have no contact with your birth father means that she knows full well that the issue is a painful one for you.

No idea why she felt the need to do this as she knew full well it would hurt you.

Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:31

She also likes to tell my kids that dinosaurs aren’t real and don’t exist hahaha.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:33

Sorry didn’t exist!! Haha xx

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 29/04/2025 08:41

I think this situation was created by you not being upfront with the children right from the beginning.

You and your biological dad live in the same village even if you don't speak to or acknowledge each other. Keeping this secret opens up the risk of your children finding out from someone else. Indeed, it sounds like that is almost what happened when that someone else (nana , is she a great grandmother to them?) mentioned in front of them that he was working in the shop!

Keeping secrets like this is near to impossible in many villages. In ours you can't even fart down at one end without people the other end knowing about it!

Your mother should probably have tried to talk to you about it, but it could well have been an awkward position to be in and she didn't. Anyway, your biological dad is part of her past too.

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2025 08:46

Topseyt123 · 29/04/2025 08:41

I think this situation was created by you not being upfront with the children right from the beginning.

You and your biological dad live in the same village even if you don't speak to or acknowledge each other. Keeping this secret opens up the risk of your children finding out from someone else. Indeed, it sounds like that is almost what happened when that someone else (nana , is she a great grandmother to them?) mentioned in front of them that he was working in the shop!

Keeping secrets like this is near to impossible in many villages. In ours you can't even fart down at one end without people the other end knowing about it!

Your mother should probably have tried to talk to you about it, but it could well have been an awkward position to be in and she didn't. Anyway, your biological dad is part of her past too.

Edited

Her mum is clearly a bitchy trouble maker and that’s the biggest problem here!
op I’m a bit confused about how your mum doesn’t like your stepdad? He wouldn’t be your stepdad if your mum wasn’t kind of keen on him?
anyway you just explain that some relationships don’t work out and some people are no good at being in a relationship and your biological dad was one of those, he never really loved you. But sometimes in life you’re lucky enough to meet people who become your real family and you hope they get that too, you did in your stepdad. Your stepdad did all the real dad things and you loved him like a dad.

Topseyt123 · 29/04/2025 08:51

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2025 08:46

Her mum is clearly a bitchy trouble maker and that’s the biggest problem here!
op I’m a bit confused about how your mum doesn’t like your stepdad? He wouldn’t be your stepdad if your mum wasn’t kind of keen on him?
anyway you just explain that some relationships don’t work out and some people are no good at being in a relationship and your biological dad was one of those, he never really loved you. But sometimes in life you’re lucky enough to meet people who become your real family and you hope they get that too, you did in your stepdad. Your stepdad did all the real dad things and you loved him like a dad.

Show quote history

I agree that her mum should have discussed it with her, but the whole situation would not have arisen if the secret had not been kept in the first place.

Also, villages are the worst places to keep secrets. They come out eventually, often when those keeping them are not ready.

Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:53

Topseyt123 · 29/04/2025 08:41

I think this situation was created by you not being upfront with the children right from the beginning.

You and your biological dad live in the same village even if you don't speak to or acknowledge each other. Keeping this secret opens up the risk of your children finding out from someone else. Indeed, it sounds like that is almost what happened when that someone else (nana , is she a great grandmother to them?) mentioned in front of them that he was working in the shop!

Keeping secrets like this is near to impossible in many villages. In ours you can't even fart down at one end without people the other end knowing about it!

Your mother should probably have tried to talk to you about it, but it could well have been an awkward position to be in and she didn't. Anyway, your biological dad is part of her past too.

Edited

She wasn’t in any shop or anything so there was no awkward situation- my daughter was talking about my dad (step) and my mum choose to correct her and then follow on with the further information.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:54

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2025 08:46

Her mum is clearly a bitchy trouble maker and that’s the biggest problem here!
op I’m a bit confused about how your mum doesn’t like your stepdad? He wouldn’t be your stepdad if your mum wasn’t kind of keen on him?
anyway you just explain that some relationships don’t work out and some people are no good at being in a relationship and your biological dad was one of those, he never really loved you. But sometimes in life you’re lucky enough to meet people who become your real family and you hope they get that too, you did in your stepdad. Your stepdad did all the real dad things and you loved him like a dad.

Show quote history

He’s been around since I was about 5 - they spilt up about 15 years ago and I’m 36 he’s been around ever since I was 5 as I also have a sibling with him so he continued to make the same effort with me as he did her.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 29/04/2025 08:58

giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 08:04

No it wouldn’t have come out about my real dad because no one has any contact with him and I have no desire for any relationship. It’s just the fact that she’s doesn’t care what I say she’ll do whatever she wants and tell them whatever as she has said to me.

But your children aren't you. They have the right to know who their family members are. You've made your birth father seem much more interesting by keeping him a secret.

Conniebygaslight · 29/04/2025 08:59

It's a shit thing to do OP. You will obviously be affected (at least on some level-because you're human) by not having your bio dad in your life and you mum has just stirred up things for you for absolutely no reason. I suspect it annoys her that you still have a relationship with your step-dad. Very spiteful ....

MounjaroMounjaro · 29/04/2025 08:59

This is just another example of your mum making bad decisions, isn't it? That's how I'd play it with the children.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/04/2025 09:01

But surely it isn't just your 'story'? It is hers too as he was her partner and father of her children?

BetterWithPockets · 29/04/2025 09:14

OP, it sounds as though you and your step dad have a lovely relationship. Your mum, on the other hand, sounds…difficult. Have you ever considered taking a step back from her?
As to the PPs saying you should have told your DCs the truth — that’s tricky, isn’t it? I agree with being as honest and open as possible with children — and in an ideal world, something would have sparked the conversation and you’d have been able to casually mention it to your DCs, without making a big deal of it — but without that prompt, it’s hard to know how and when to say anything without making it into a Big Thing. I guess at least they know now (even though it was absolutely not up to your mum to tell then), and you, in the way you interact with your (step) Dad, can continue to show them it’s not a big deal; he’s the man who raised you and loves you and you love him…

Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 09:21

BetterWithPockets · 29/04/2025 09:14

OP, it sounds as though you and your step dad have a lovely relationship. Your mum, on the other hand, sounds…difficult. Have you ever considered taking a step back from her?
As to the PPs saying you should have told your DCs the truth — that’s tricky, isn’t it? I agree with being as honest and open as possible with children — and in an ideal world, something would have sparked the conversation and you’d have been able to casually mention it to your DCs, without making a big deal of it — but without that prompt, it’s hard to know how and when to say anything without making it into a Big Thing. I guess at least they know now (even though it was absolutely not up to your mum to tell then), and you, in the way you interact with your (step) Dad, can continue to show them it’s not a big deal; he’s the man who raised you and loves you and you love him…

I really need to take a step back from her to be honest but I find it hard to deal with feeling guilty because she doesn’t have anyone else in her life apart from myself and my brother who sees her very little. So I feel guilty about her being on her own. My sister is no contact for a lot of reasons I don’t blame her for.

and yeah i just think let them be children for now.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 29/04/2025 09:27

You haven't answered people asking you if you had told her not to mention it?

FTWIWTGO · 29/04/2025 09:29

giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 09:21

I really need to take a step back from her to be honest but I find it hard to deal with feeling guilty because she doesn’t have anyone else in her life apart from myself and my brother who sees her very little. So I feel guilty about her being on her own. My sister is no contact for a lot of reasons I don’t blame her for.

and yeah i just think let them be children for now.

Show quote history

You don’t owe her anything, especially now she has done this. You are going to feel like you can’t trust her around your children now.
She sounds quite unlikeable and if she ends up alone, she probably deserves it. She doesn’t sound good at maintaining relationships.

Thelasttea · 29/04/2025 09:29

Swiftie1878 · 29/04/2025 08:19

To be fair, your bio dad is as much her story to tell as it is yours.
I wouldn’t have handled it the way she did, but then I think you’re being a little entitled to think you can curate your mother’s history and lie to your children.
It’s messy, but you don’t really have the right to be angry with her.

Show quote history

This

Thelasttea · 29/04/2025 09:30

And no she doesn’t like my step dad and she sort of thinks it’s funny tbh

your mother doesn’t like her husband?

Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 09:32

PinkyFlamingo · 29/04/2025 09:27

You haven't answered people asking you if you had told her not to mention it?

No I didn’t specifically ask her never to tell them, it’s just something that from the last 7 years I haven’t disclosed to the children which she is aware of so didn’t warrant her to say in my opinion - appreciate that it’s also her history but I don’t see the point in her telling the children they have a grandad that doesn’t wish to be in their lives. Just unnecessary and the only reason she has done it is to be spiteful.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffes2021 · 29/04/2025 09:33

Thelasttea · 29/04/2025 09:30

And no she doesn’t like my step dad and she sort of thinks it’s funny tbh

your mother doesn’t like her husband?

They are no longer together

OP posts:
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