AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

I'd be peed off tbh. Seems imo either spiteful and wanting to hurt your SD or jealous you have a decent relationship with him so driving a wedge. I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd do what she did. All you can do is learn from it but it would be karma or just deserts if what results is you and your DDs distancing yourselves from her.

I don’t think it was your mother’s place to raise this topic. At the very least it was careless of her.

However I really believe young children can understand lots of complex topics and relationships when discussed in an age appropriate way. Perhaps you wanted to discuss it yourself with them when they were older but it’s definitely not something to keep secret. I would argue that creates stigma around the topic. Hope you and your mum manage to sort it out between yourselves.

Yeah I think this is tricky because what would be the context for this ever coming up??

if she was in contact with biological father as well as step father then explaining how two grandads on her side popped up would be an easy conversation.

how do you suddenly say so, my dad, your grandad is not a ‘real’ blood related one, but we will never speak to the ‘real’ one because we have no relationship.

everyone would be telling the op what would be the point, what benefit is there to make small children aware they have a grandparent who’s uninterested in them, why are you complicating things needlessly.

well, to me, it's all about what "real dad" means.
Biological father can mean as little as sperm donation.
There's a lot more to being a father than providing a seed.
A Real Dad is there every day for the highs and lows of cherishing, supporting, guiding and loving the child. All day, every day. Sticking in there. Thick and thin.
If that's a step-dad, then he's the Real Dad.
I'd explain it to your child in those terms.
no further problem

Does she intend to take them to see him in the shop?

Wouldn’t put it past her at the moment tbh

Exactly !! It’s just confusing for the children and it’s pointless whilst still so young.

This.

OP, I think people who haven’t been in this situation might struggle to get it. YANBU. The children are young and your biological dad is not a part of a your life or theirs, it was a total non-issue and she had no right to tell them. It was up to you as to when, if and how that information was imparted to them. My own mother did the same and told my children about my estranged brother and his family, who I have not seen or spoken to in over 20 years and never will. I was absolutely livid. Your mum sounds like a raging narcissist, and I would protect your children from her bat-shittery by stopping the school pick ups immediately and not leaving them with her unsupervised in future. If she has no boundaries, who knows what she will expose them to or suddenly deem it her right to tell them. Funnily enough, my mother has nobody else in her life apart from me and my children as well, as she’s fallen out with everyone else. I wonder why?!

yep my mum just has me it’s everyone else’s fault and everyone she has fallen out with is a narcissist!!!! My partner wants to go NC and stop all pickups but I’m struggling. I struggle with the guilt

It’s the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It might be worth reading a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It might take you some time to process but going low contact (or at least the children having no supervised contact) for a while might help you work through the dynamics.

I assume your mum also had no boundaries with you and would tell you all the intimate and inappropriate details of her relationship breakdown with your dad/step dad or all the falling outs with others?

I think you’ve made a mistake not telling the children - to be honest whether their grandfather is a grandfather or a step grandfather is hardly a big deal. However… your mother has absolutely no right to undermine your parenting choices whether flawed or not (absent physical harm of course)

Oh my yes everything she told me everything from a very young age well early teenage years. I could never understand why she did that as I couldn’t imagine telling my daughter stuff that she told me. Thank you I will definitely have a look at that!

We’ve had words and she’s still adamant that she doesn’t care and it’s her right.

Your mum doesn't have any rights where your children are concerned. She is determined to keep overstepping and ignoring your very reasonable boundaries so I think that it's time for you to pull right back and massively reduce the time she spends with your children.

She is not a safe and loving grandparent. It's all about her and her needs so she is not a suitable care giver. You hold all the power here so don't be afraid to use it.

Best approach would be for it to be discussed from the earliest stage, when talking about mummy, daddy, granny etc, long before the children understand the topic. Just mention it in matter of fact way, so there's no mystery

I've seen cases where people have chosen to wait until the children are "old enough to understand" and it's been disastrous. Firstly, it's never a good time, so they put it off. And when they finally have "the conversation", the child is old enough to understand they've been lied to, feel foolish that everyone around them knew the truth of their birth history, and it causes huge trust issues

She sounds jealous of the love you and the children have with stepdad maybe and that’s why she’s told them he’s not biological dad. Just reinforce with the kids you have enough love for both of them , it’s not a competition.

YANBU.
I think you know that deep down and that your DP is right about NC or limited contact. There is a reason she has so little in the away of healthy relationships around her. This is just the latest in a long list of things she has done that crosses your boundaries and is unacceptable behaviour.
Having NC for so long makes the dad thing a complete non issue imo. I would have dealt with it the same way as you have. It is largely irrelevant, not a secret but not worth mentioning either- especially given their ages. I would say doing a family tree/autobiography type project around age 10/11/12 would have been a nice way to discuss it as part of a matter of the fact exploration of family.
I do think you would benefit from working through your guilt and feelings about your mum because it is not a healthy relationship for you. I would also not be allowing her unsupervised time with your children (as a minimum). She is allowed her truths and boundaries and you are allowed yours.
Get yourself plenty of dinosaur t-shirts, visit the natural history museum lol.

and here's why MN is known for unnecessary bitchiness

Listen to your DH. Yes Mum is Mum, but you need to consider removing your children from this attitude and behaviour.

She sounds jealous of the love you and the children have with stepdad maybe and that’s why she’s told them he’s not biologi

Couldn’t agree more. OP said she hasn’t seen her bio father in 20+ years there’s a reason for that I am sure. The mother has put her in a horrible position now she will have deal with all the questions her daughter will have. Generally when someone excuse’s their behavior with I wasn’t prepared to lie or I won’t lie for you it’s just an excuse to cause someone to feel bad.

OK, I’m so sorry for you but she needs to loss access to your children unless she is prepared to respect your parenting rules. Fingers crossed and wishing you all the best.

If you haven't specifically asked her not to tell your DC then she's not really done anything wrong. It's a conversation you'd rather she hadn't had with our DC but it will come out sometime later on so why not be honest with them about it now so it's out in the open. It's really not a big deal. If there's other things your Mum does that annoys you that's added to this you need to have a chat to her about it & set boundaries about your DC & what you want/need them to know or how she deals with things concerning you & them.