AIBU to be really mad about this??

[giraffes2021]

Ok - so I have a step dad who has been in my life since I was 5, he is the blood father to my sister but not me I haven’t seen my real dad in a very long time 20+ years. he never bothered with us even tho he lived very close.

anyway my children know my step dad as grandad and I’ve just said he’s my dad that’s that they are only 5&7, I’ve never said he’s my step dad or anything as they don’t need to know the ins and outs of it in my opinion.

anyway yesterday my eldest says to me “mummy your dad isn’t your real dad is he” I said what do you mean? She said “well your real dad works in a shop in town” (which he does) - I was taken aback really and I said who told you that, she said that nana had told her my mother.

to say I’m fuming is an understatement, I’ve pulled my mum on it and asked her why she felt the need to tell them and surely that’s a decision for me to make and she’s basically said she isn’t prepared to lie. Said that I live in this fantasy world and my children should know the truth.

so regardless of what I ask she will disregard my wishes. Am I in the wrong here to be really bloody mad

Her defensiveness and digging in is really really shit. She was happy to let him play dad to you when it suited her and now she's "telling her truth"? Dick.

I'd tell her she can tell her truth but my kids won't be around to hear it.

It really pisses me off when people like your mum are happy to make adult decisions about blending families but don't consider that they aren't just playing with their own lives - you've been affected by her decision to move a man in at 5yo and rather than considering that you might have feeling about how to navigate that permanent change to your family (or even your stepdads feelings), the selfish mare thinks she has carte blanche to carry on doing as she feels and to hell with how you, him, your kids might feel.

You had to adapt for 13 years to this man living with you and being your new family when it suited her and now she wants to undermine that?? What an absolute bitch, I can see why you're livid.

How dare she! I think that is outrageous behaviour. She sounds nasty.

I agree with this. OP, I can totally understand why you are upset with your mum, it sounds like her motivation for telling the children is a bit warped.

BUT, they should already know this. It's not a big deal, and small children will accept situations as normal if you explain them in an age appropriate way. By not telling them, you are making the situation to be a way bigger deal than it is. Have the children been upset by the news? Or have they accepted it?

I was adopted at birth. My biological parents gave me up, my adoptive parents brought me up. I have always known, from when I was very young, I don't remember being told, so it was never a big deal. It was not a secret, it was just part of my life history. There was no big reveal once I was deemed old enough to understand. It's much easier to be truthful, in an age appropriate way, from a very young age.

🙄

Awful behaviour from your mum. You don't live in a fantasy. Is she usually this narcissistic?

YABU about this specific situation -unless I’ve missed that your biological father is a danger to the children for some reason rather than an absent father/deadbeat dad.

As someone with a DC child (so also a complicated family set up) I always believe basic age-appropriate honesty is the best policy - it’s just unfortunate your Mum explained it to your kids rather than letting you do it yourself. But your further posts make it sound like she has a habit of doing that rather than than giving the simple “you’ll have to ask your Mum about that” - so YANBU if you try to address this as it’s really not her job.

She absolutely should have checked with you before saying anything, but my kids know that I’m adopted and that their grandpa isn’t my (adoptive) dad (it’s different though because I didn’t view him as such-my dad died and he married my mom later in life). They also understand that they don’t have a paternal grandpa because he didn’t want to be a dad to their dad and that he just left. I think kids understand families are arranged differently, and it’s ok for them to know sometimes people let each other down very badly. Also for them to know you don’t have to be a blood relation to be family.

Sounds like she wants to create an issue with you and your step dad. She sounds very bitter.
If it’s part of a wider problem it needs addressing.
Having children in our family of 5 and 7 they would find it hard to grasp.
As for telling ‘her truth’ she’s not a celeb on Loose Women!!!

It is done now - I don't think she told them so they weren't being 'lied' to but because she doesn't like her ex and was stirring a bit of trouble. It was a lie by omission in terms of it is not biologically accurate your s/d is your father but he is most definitely your dad.
Now your children know - I would explain that families come in all shapes and sizes and that your s/d is very very much your dad and their grandad, just like your sister is your sister.
Your bio dad whilst a blood relative is a stranger .
What else is your mum likely or could say that you don't want them to know - I would avoid her or tell them yourself in age appropriate ways.

I feel for you hugs. Unless you've experienced not being biologically related to your family it's hard to understand how distancing it can feel when other people mention it or define it in some way.

My dad came into my mum's life when I was 18 months old. To me he's always been dad (never knew bio-dad).

I would HATE my mum to refer to my dad as my step dad! There's zero need for clarification.

I told my own kids when they were about 8 that my dad wasn't technically my bio father (I hate the term 'real' - he's real!) and it meant absolutely nothing in terms of their relationship with him. He wasn't suddenly their step grandpa!!

I do understand your mum's desire not to lie (my mum told me the truth when I was 12 and tbh I've loathed liars ever since) but this is a different situation and there's no need to mention it either way.

she’s basically said it’s her truth to tell

My Mum wouldn’t be seeing my kids again if she said this to me. My situation is very similar to yours. Haven’t seen my bio Dad since I was 2. Stepdad is very much my Dad. My Mum and stepdad divorced and she hates that he’s part of my life. My kids do know that he’s not my biological Dad though.

It’s not up to her to tell your children anything.

You're the only one making a big deal out of it. If something comes up in normal conversation then you just tell them don't you? Unless you specifically asked her to tell them lies? I mean it's not like she just sat them down and said I have this big family secret to share....cue drum roll.....
Anyway it saves you the bother of deciding when to explain the difference between your dad and your step dad. If you make a big deal about it they're all going to be thinking you're the weirdo. Whereas now you can just say I always call him my dad because to me he is and leave it at that

I know it doesn’t seem like it at the moment but it’s best your children know now rather than years down the line. (Although I agree it wasn’t your mother’s place to tell them)

I had a VERY similar situation last year - minus the mother situation. I had put off for years not telling my children (17 & 13 at the time) that ‘grandad’ was actually their step grandad, until things came to a head & I had to tell them last year. (They began to question a few things) None of us have any contact with Bio dad & NEVER see him although he just lives in the next town.

My 17 year old took it worst & had far more questions than my 13 year old. He was considerably quiet angry at being lied to.

It at no point effected their relationship with ‘grandad’ (step father) & now its like nothing ever happened but if done again I would have never lied to them in the first place (even though I never felt like I was lying to them at the time if that makes sense)

Your children are at a very innocent age so if you don’t make a big deal of it, it won’t seem like a big deal to them. ‘Grandad’ will still be their grandad.

I don't think it was your mother's place to say anything to them. It's for you to share when you are ready. So now they will question he isn't there real grandfather?
Your mother should have at least asked your opinion on sharing this before she did , she was out of line

@PensionedCruiser Thing is I know someone who has lied to the child for nearly 30 years for no reason other than her own shame. The kid has been led to believe the grandad is his mother’s father. I can only imagine the hurt, anger and mistrust if he found out

You are both wrong. If you hadn't lied from the outset your mother wouldn't have had anything to tell. Children need their lives to be factual and straightforward.

What if one of your children develops a genetically carried disease? It would be difficult to raise at a very difficult time.

If she no longer gets on with your step dad, her ex, I think she done it out of spite. Just to put him in his place so the children know he's not their real grandparent and she is. Sounds nasty.

I am on the verge of tears reading this.

I am a long way away from being a blended families cheerleader, or someone who thinks I could be a great stepdad. But when a man marries a woman, becomes a genuine father to that woman's daughter, and knows that "father" is a job for life and honours that committment despite his ex-wife not wnting him too and presumably making it difficult. What a hero, what an example to all men.

I found out from a family friend when I was a teenager that my grandfather wasn’t my biological grandfather. My bio GF is not at all in the picture. I was really hurt neither my parent nor grandmother had told me themselves. This is their blood and you should have been honest from the start. Yes, your stepdad might be your “actual” dad, but the blood part is still important. There are plenty of child friendly age appropriate ways to address this honestly.

"but the blood part is still important. " I completely disagree.

She sounds like the type of immature person who likes drama and to always be the one sharing ‘shocking’ information. You know the kind, gets in the middle of everything, attention seeker, always has to be the first to impart information. If she doesn’t like your step dad perhaps she did this as a ‘two fingers’ up to him. And/or is there a chance she has become friendly with your dad again without you knowing? I would also be worried about this and the possibility that she would see it as her ‘duty’ to take them to that shop and introduce them while she is at it!
It’s very difficult to explain family dynamics to small children without burdening them with a lot of confusing family background. It was your call to decide when they were ready to hear this, not your mums. I could understand the argument that you should have told them before now if he was someone they saw regularly and was in their lives, but he’s not! You know your children best and I’m sure you would have explained it to them in planned and age appropriate way. No doubt about it, she’s done this for herself, to be the source of new information and appear all
interesting to her granddaughter.

This is really poor behaviour from your mum. It was also YOUR truth to tell, in your own way and in your own time. Plus let’s not forget your dad’s (not biological) feelings here; he would be really hurt if he felt your kids viewed him any differently because he wasn’t your biological father.

I don’t think your mum is going to change and she may say other silly things to your kids in the future too. So I think maybe you get ahead of it by sitting your kids down and saying:

“Yes, it’s true that [Step-dad] wasn’t the dad who made me. But he’s always been my true dad and that’s how I will always think of him. And he is absolutely your grandfather. It would hurt him a lot if he thought you didn’t see him as my dad or your grandfather as he loves us all a lot. And we love him too, don’t we? That man that Nana told you about is the person who made me with Nana but he’s never been a real dad to me and I don’t really know him.

I wanted to tell you this all myself one day but Nana decided to tell you now. That’s ok but I was a bit upset with her as I think it’s grown up stuff and I would have rather she had asked me first about it. It wasn’t a secret but I wanted to tell you when you were a bit older as I know it’s a bit confusing.

From now on, if Nana tells you anything that isn’t something I’ve already told you, or if you’re not sure about something she says, just let me know and we can chat it through together. I will always be honest with you but I also know that it’s not always fair to give you info that’s grown-up stuff or that could be upsetting. You know the way you’re not allowed to watch Mummy’s programmes on tv? It’s a bit like that. So I prefer to wait until the right time and explain it in the right way so I know you can understand it all and won’t be upset.

Oh, and by the way, Nana is wrong about dinosaurs!”

A couple of issues at play here:

The understanding of who your dad is and if the children needed to know this. Given that they are 5 and 7, you haven't spoken to your bio father in 20 years, and the man who raised you is your sister's biological father, I do not see why you needed to complicate matters by sharing the details with children so young. So, you are not being unreasonable.

The bigger issue is your mother. There are a lot of red flags here. It sounds like she told the kids out of some bitterness that her ex is being called their grandfather. Maybe I'm wrong. Whatever her reasoning, it wasn't her place to tell them, and getting defensive when you told her such shows that she has no problem overstepping and no understanding that these are your children and you are their mother and that she doesn't get to trump that. You are an adult and a mother of two and she is not showing you mutual respect.

Per your other comments about her, I think that you are within your rights to stop the 3-day a week pickups she has insisted on. I wouldn't leave her unsupervised with the kids until she proves that she respects that these are your children and will abide by your parenting rules. I don't think that will EVER happen. (When I had to make such a comment to my mother, she assured me she would but then seemed to go out of her way to creatively find ways to break my rules--it became a power game to her.)

Having dealt with this kind of thing myself, given her attitude and her strong opinions, you can only expect that she will continue to do and say as she pleases with your children.

It does seem crass and insensitive. Especially the use of the word 'real'. She might not have been taught in school or nursery about step families, different types of family etc.

I guess you just need to explain that sometimes people have a daddy that helped make them, and another daddy that they live with and love very much. That grandad is your daddy because he brought you up and cared for you.

I understand if you don't want any contact with your bio dad, but if he does indeed work locally then you probably can't just deny his existence for much longer to your kids.

It's wrong the way it came out though.

OP I get your concerns. It's not the fact that they know you have a dad and a step-dad, its the fact they know he works in the local village shop. There was absolutely no need for your mother to reveal that. Not 'part of her story' of any of these others reasons pp have stated.
It will play on the kids minds now whenever they go in/past the shop. No need for that info whatsoever