Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

Go and stay with them and treat them as you would like to be treated, otherwise they will never change (do you actually like these people?).

Just stop hosting them. It's really pretty simple.

We can't stay with them as they do not have a spare room to accommodate us.

Either host them or don't. But I don't expect my guests to rock on up with gifts at all. I like hosting for it's own sake. It is about spending time with people you like, not whether or not there are grand gestures attached to it.

I think if you’re just another place they can leech off as part of the summer plans then no. They can bugger off. Real friends reciprocate or at least don’t take the piss.

Only host people if you can afford to do so in my experience. Otherwise you’re laying down a breeding ground for resentment.

Outline your expectations to them eg Friday we'll have bbq We will do the food you bring stuff for cocktails. Saturday let's go for Chinese but obviously don't pay. Would you like to cook Sunday?

Tbh if someone invites me to stay I take wine or a gift but it wouldn’t occur to me to increase the gift in proportion to how many nights I stay.
could you just make sure you all eat out a couple of time while they stay so they get an easy opportunity to contribute

that or say ‘yes, you’re welcome to stay on the 5th or the 12th’ and keep it to one night

You say these people are guests yet they haven't 'paid their way' like others. If I'm a guest I would take a gesture (eg bottle of wine), but not expect to 'pay my way'. That's totally different. Unless you're taking 'paying guests', which makes it sound as if you're running some sort of genteel boarding house from the 1950s.

Op you sound like a very generous person. 😊 I think, as with most things in life, people will disappoint. 🤣 not to sound flippant but generally the effort isn’t reciprocated, in so many things! Tbh I wouldn’t expect more than a minding, like a bottle of wine. Put it down to experience and maybe just don’t go all out in future. Wine or flowers or chocolates. 🤷‍♀️

My guests have typically incurred some pretty serious travel expenses. My hosting costs are trivial in comparison. It is the same when I visit them. The idea of the guests needing to lavish gifts on the hosts seems absolutely bizarre to me. A token is absolutely sufficient.

When going for dinner I would do at least wine and if the whole family flowers/ chocs as well

If we stayed overnight , there would be wine, flowers and I would offer sleeping bags and to bri g something edible.

If staying a whole weekend I would suggest a meal out / drinks out and pick up the bill. I would be more relaxed with a family where the stay was reciprocal

I think you are exceptionally generous!

the bill.

‘Paid their way’. That told me everything.

If you see hosting as transactional then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Reset your expectations. I take gifts when I visit, but I can afford it and plenty can’t in this economy. Surely the time you spend together is the real gift?

The way you speak about their income and then your expectation is gross. It really is. If they are not real mates then cut the ties, but don’t estimate what they ‘owe’ you - you know that’s not friendship, right? They are just people you know.

So if you don’t ever stay with them they don’t know what your personal “standard” is when being a guest.

But you are making hosting and being a guest quite transactional, which doesn’t seem a pleasant trait, if I may say so. If you begrudge hosting people who I assume are your friends without some form of payment, then stop.

I’m pretty careful to match people like for like these days as so many people just don’t put any effort in. So if they’d stayed 2 years running and not offered to chip in for anything I’d put a stop to it. If you still want to see them, could you suggest meeting for a meal halfway and go halves on the bill? Set a new precedent.

YABU to tell them how much their visit costs you!

YANBU to say that you can't fit them in this year - a lot of other visitors, or cutting back because you're busy etc etc

I live in a part of the UK that is very close to some lovely beaches & other places that are desirable to visit also we're very close to an M5 junction. I find that several old friends & relatives who haven't had much contact for months (if any at all) just before the summer suddenly remember us & get in touch to say that they're visiting the area & could they stay? Some bring gifts of wine, chocolates & flowers - they are very welcome. Others bring nothing & expect us to drop everything to feed and entertain them. It is for this reason that we have replaced the double bed in the spare room for a single bunk beds (intended for GC) & keep it quiet that we have a double sofa bed in the living room. We are happy to suggest reasonably priced local B&Bs & happy to meet our friends/relatives for days out or dinner - sharing the cost of course.

I live in a very popular tourist area that has a large large summer festival annually.

After 20 years being used 'as a base' by people; being contacted only once a year by people 'wanting to get a date in the diary' and being treated mainly as a cheap B&B that they don't have to pay for and usually not being treated to anything much less receiving a return invite my advice is one of two options;

1. Say no.
2. Send all your spare beds to the rubbish tip, turn the spare rooms into your ironing room or your DCs play room and tell them you have no spare beds so they can get an air BNB

See how many Christmas cards you get after that or the fake friendly phone calls that come around May.

I suppose it depends on the strength and nature of the friendship. Would they be offended if you asked them to bring something? Personally I don’t think you should invite people if you can’t afford to host them fully, and (whilst I would always take something) as a host you shouldn’t be expecting a gift.

My parents lived in an ordinary working class semi as they would have seen it in the 80’s, and met a couple from ‘Down South’ on holiday who had a few bob.
I can remember we stayed with them once and the wife served us up, for the night we stayed… leftovers from the night before.
They bought a delux camper and for 6 months of the year would decamp to wherever they could stay around the UK. They wouldn’t bring a thing or offer anything.
They were absolutely shameless. They’d then go to stay with a couple they knew close to Blackpool who had a guest house and never charged them.
Stop hosting them. Invent a house guest or anyone you can think of.
They are CF.

Either they're good friends who are being thoughtless, or they're users who fancy a nice break for the cost of one bottle of wine - only you will know which is which.

If it's the former, tell them it's costing you a fortune to host people so you'd love to see them, but it won't be a glamorous hosting experience and they'll have to e.g. buy a takeaway one night.

If it's the latter, just tell them you are too busy, sorry, not this year - and same again next year.

I don’t expect guests to pay for meals out or takeaways when visiting, especially if it’s only for a weekend. They’re my guests, and my job is to host. I would expect a gift though - for three nights a couple of bottles of wine at least.

The only people who stay with us are good friends and family, and I don’t expect more from friends and family than a token gesture, and their company. But I can’t imagine being friends with people and it involving all this weird awkwardness and complete lack of communication about things. There’s no point trying to apply your own approach to etiquette to other people, because everybody differs in what they think is expected. If you want them to visit but it’s costing too much, ask them for a contribution for food and agree upfront that you’ll have a kitty for alcohol. If you’d rather they didn’t visit, just say it isn’t convenient this year.

I'd hide your wine in the garage, then once their bottle has very quickly been finished ask DH if you have any anywhere. No? Oh gosh!
They will quickly realise that they ought to turn up with considerably more than one bottle, at the very least.

They don't want you to stay with them, you're a free holiday. This is why they have more money than you.

Be busy.