Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

Hold on, people take "gifts" when they visit as guests? Actual gifts?

I've always taken flowers, wine, chocolates etc, and depending on the circumstances might pay for a takeaway or a meal out.

What are all these "gifts" people are talking about taking? What have I missed??! 😳 Lots of references to flowers, chocolate "and a gift".

(I'm autistic so very prone to social faux pas and wondering what I might have gotten wrong!)

This is my thinking. If I'm hosting someone it's because I want to see them and spend time with them and the effort is freely given.

If they bring a bottle or pay for a meal then that's lovely but not something I'd expect. If I wasn't in a position to host them due to cost or motivation then I wouldn't or would reduce the time or agree expectations in advance.

I think it's distasteful and strange to expect people you are hosting to bring any more than a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine, box of chocolates or similar is more than acceptable to bring as a token for those hosting you. If we were visiting friends for the weekend and they expected us to bring a meal along, I would get the impression that they felt put out by having us and would promptly book a hotel.

If you can't accept guests with good grace and find that hosting is unmanageable or expensive, simply either don't invite them, go out for meals and split the bill equally or recommend some local hotels. The amount of foreign holidays your friends have per year is irrelevant, if you are hosting, it is simply rude and stingy to ask them to bring a meal along.

OP in the country where I live, if you invite people you are the person paying for everything.

I think you are being naive! The cost of living has hit everyone, even those on high salaries, so it is not like someone on a higher salary who is obviously likely to be having a higher mortgage and outgoings can suddenly change that! Everyone has bills to pay! Yes, they might be able to cut down on unnecessary spends but you can’t suddenly pull your kids out of private school and downsize your house and stop paying for your car! 🤦🏽‍♀️😅

You told them that the first time they stayed for 3 nights and brought nothing but a bottle of wine was fine by allowing them to stay again. Some people will keep taking if you allow it. I think it's fair enough if you don't want to host them again or say you'll host them just for one or two nights next time. I think it's awkward to ask for something but what do you mean by "bring a meal with them?"

I like to he a good host but it becomes tiring to keep hosting especially when others won't do the same for you. I think a bottle of wine is cheap of them when they knew how well you looked after them.

Tell them it isn't possible this year 🤗

A lot of people are saying if you invite, you do the hosting which I agree with.

But the OP said

They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay

She's not inviting them, they are ringing up looking to invite themselves.

Big difference.

Honestly I think you should go and stay near them and see how much they host you then (apart from the beds).

Unless you absolutely have to host them, just say no, or say can’t have you stay but when you’re in the area, do let us know and we’d love to meet you for lunch.

We are in a tourist area where people love to come visit and enjoy my AI resort. 🙄 It’s exactly the same, love to see you, is the 6-9th of June good for us to pop down? We never invite anyone. And they always come empty handed.

BIL and SIL are the best at this. We host every bloody year for Christmas. 7 long days, 3 meals a day, plus snacks, plus chocolates, plus all the drinks. Seven whole bloody days worth of food and drinks. It costs easily £100 a day. I think 2 or 3 years ago, they bought us a round of drinks at the pub. Last year, I might have gotten a panettone. 😩 Never a takeaway or an offer to cook us a meal or let us treat you to a meal out.

Unfortunately, they are family and we can’t really not host. They can’t host us (no space and probably they couldn’t afford it) and no one else can host for complex and dramatic reasons, so we wouldn’t see any family at Christmas or ever if we didn’t, but I really wish we didn’t. I got cancer this year so totally pulled the cancer card to get out of it and I may keep that up a couple more years. 😂

I take a relevant gift but not in terms of the length of stay. I try to be generous and will pay for a meal out. But I never expect it from guests. If they don’t help while they’re staying then I don’t have them back though.

It’s so odd to think of people who haven’t been brought up well and don’t know the basics of etiquette but are old enough to have adult children…but it is what it is!

If you are finding them more annoying then perhaps it’s time to knock the friendship on the head.

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect people to pay their way when they visit but if it doesn't come willingly, then I'd be busy when they expect to come back.

Hope you get the all clear soon and why not go away for Christmas next time, maybe a cruise?

I think the problem is, you aren’t very close friends.
They are more than happy to stay for free with you, and indulge in your hospitality, but lo and behold, they can’t reciprocate, and don’t treat you , when they could when they visit.

Dont tell them how much it costs, dont expect them to change.

Just be unavailable.

Oh sorry those dates don’t suit us, we won’t be available.

To all of their suggestions. You’re saving up to have a holiday abroad.

I don't expect anything, really. It's just a pleasure to see my friends! Most people do bring something, as do I, but if someone forgets to bring a bottle of wine, I'm not going to be keeping score. I always make sure I have enough booze and snacks in the house anyway. You don't need to panic buy a bottle of Villa Maria on the way over to mine. We have shops here.

Thinking about it, there might be regional differences at play here. Maybe people are more tit-for-tat in Surrey. (like when Glasgow people say that Edinburgh people are like "So you'll have had your tea" for example)

I wouldn’t judge them based on what they
bring with - although yes I would definitely bring more than one bottle, and pay for a meal out.

Are they good guests in other ways? Do they do the washing up without being asked, strip the beds, bring their own towels?

I do judge the fact that they are calling up to
invite themselves to yours. That’s rude in my book and they should wait to be invited (which I suspect may not happen).

I don’t even go to someone’s house for tea without taking something ! It’s rude . Staying is someone’s house without at least paying for meals or cooking or taking food is entitlement to its best

Well if people come to stay every weekend over the summer and you pay for food and drink it can easily get very expensive! Hardly that complicated. But people should host only those they want to have in their home. I always cook meals for my guests if they come to stay the weekend, and maybe do one takeaway meal but we would pay for all unless they absolutely insist.

Of course guests who stay longer should bring more than a bottle of wine with them! I have one old friend who now can only host us and can’t come and stay with us due to her DH’s health needs - so we only visit them in recent years, she has to feed us 3 meals a day and drinks in the evening - over a 3 day stay that adds up a lot! Plus the work for her of hosting us, the least we can do is stick them up with booze and chocolates and flowers and take them out for a meal when she’s running around doing 3 meals a day, having got the guest room ready for us etc.

They sound very odd, I would absolutely hate to spend three nights in someone else’s house with them providing every meal for me, would make me so uncomfortable, can’t believe they don’t offer to cook or take you out for a meal, I’d also make sure I brought all the alcohol I was planning to drink with me, enough to share.

This. The people I host, I really like and don't care what they bring or don't. People who I would care what they bring or don't bring don't pass my threshhold.

I think it totally depends on the reasons for visiting- is it a specific visit to you? When we travel to visit family it can cost hundreds in fuel costs or train fares and buying food on long journeys.We’d happily host, but few family members are willing or able to travel to us. To be fair, family don’t expect gifts, though we’d generally take wine, flowers or food. So if it’s a short visit to you, I would think their costs are in the same ball park as yours.

If visitors are using your home as a base for a holiday, they should definitely be buying food / getting takeaways.

We’d take wine and a food contribution or chocolates when going to a friend’s house for dinner.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

They think you are complete mugs and sadly you have allowed it.
I would tell them it doesn't suit.
No further discussion.
They are rude and haven't an ounce of respect you or your home.
Mean people love a mug, of course you will be pencilled in every year, giving them the 5* treatment for the price of a bottle of wine.

Depends on how well you know the person and how much you can afford to spend/want to spend etc. So if I was going to stay with friends, I usually take gifts for the kids, alcohol and chocolate. The friends we stay with all have kids similar age as our kids. I usually check what they are into with their mum and then buy gifts.

For family, I go abroad for 5-6 weeks over the summer and stay with them. So I take lots of chocolate, alcohol, presents like clothes, hand bags, perfumes, things for the house etc. My family is very generous and I would feel awful turning up with nothing so I always end up going over board! Nearly one large suitcase is full of gifts! My Santa Claus moment! 😂