Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

Honestly if I am a guest I bring wine and chocolate and some foodie bits. I will also bring flowers or a plant (if I think the hosts will like them). I will happily pay for a meal and contribute towards grocery shopping. But to be honest would not bring a gift, not of meanest but purely because I think we all have enough stuff.

I wouldn’t worry about all those gifts and what’s really bugging you?

do you like seeing them, if so I’d say it’s really worth it. If not don’t have them

If you see hosting as transactional then you are on a hiding to nothing.

This. Surely if you’re hosting, most of the cost falls on you, and just a token gift is fine? I would find it odd to ask visitors to bring food, although it would be nice if they paid for one meal out or takeaway? If someone’s travelling to visit you, bringing a meal’s worth of food, or a homemade dessert can be quite impractical

It amazes me how some people totally take their friends hospitality for granted. Me and my friend went to stay with another friend recently who has just moved to a popular holiday destination in another country. We didn’t bring anything because we only had hand luggage, but when we went out for coffee or lunch or drinks, we always insisted on paying her share, and we bought drinks, snacks and sweets for the house for her and her husband. They said they didn’t expect it and none of their other friends had paid for a thing! It really shocked me as none of her friends are short of money. I just think if you’re saving yourself a whole load of money on accommodation, the least you can do is treat your hosts.

I agree with others, you make it sound very transactional! If I stayed 1 night, I'd take a bottle of wine and maybe flowers, but if I stayed 3 nights, I wouldn't give 3 bottles of wine or flowers worth 3x the cost!

Unless they are great friends and you really enjoy their company, surely 1 or 2 nights max is enough? I too would suggest along the lines of Fri night I'll cook, Saturday I was thinking of a BBQ, so you get the meat, I'll make the salads and dessert.

I don't expect more than a bottle of wine or maybe sharing the cost of a takeaway, but it's my choice to host and I'm delighted to see my friends.

I definitely don't get gifts - nor take them - for staying overnight. That seems a a bit excessive. We're pals, we're just pleased to see one another. That's enough.

I don't get asked to duty-host, and I can't really relate to that. If it feels like an expectation of a burden you should tell them they can't stay.

The costs of hosting are a kickback for not having to leave my home to see my friends.

I bring booze for myself and a bottle for the host, but the gifts are OTT in my opinion.

This is bizarre. You stay with people/host them because you want to see them, not because you want a gift or expect them to pay their way...

If you can't afford to host them or don't want to see them, just say sorry and you're busy. If you want to host them I personally wouldn't be expecting anything but their good company

Also, as pp have suggested, if you're the friend travelling to see the other - you've usually spent more in train/travel costs etc than the hostee does hosting someone at their house.

Op it sounds like guests have to pay bring gifts every time they want to see you.
If thats what you like doing then thats on you but not everyone can do it or afford it.
Thats how im reading it.

Same. Feels to me like you go a bit overboard. It shouldn’t cost that much to have guests for a few days - you don’t have to use expensive ingredients etc every night. I wouldn’t say your visitor guest present suggestions are some sort of universal standard.

Don’t tell them how much their visit costs you!! How awkward!
in my world, hosting isn’t transactional.
You sound as if you’re itching to present them with a bill for their stay
Personally, if I host, it’s because I actually like them and enjoy their company!
You sound mercenary
If you resent guests, pretty soon you won’t have any

Just because they have well paid jobs doesn’t mean they have spare cash, I know Simeon in £140,000 a year the last 2 months tha they’ve maxed out their credit cards and are skint 2 weeks before payday. Bigger the salary bigger the outgoings

Are they actually friends who you value spending time with?

I certainly don’t expect anything when I invite guests - I ask them because I want to see them.

It sounds like you don’t really like these people, and maybe just need to fade the friendship out and be unavailable this year.

I usually take a token gift but tbh I prefer hosting to travelling so I have never considered hosting a hardship!

Personality I invite people to stay because I want to see them. I’m actually quite uncomfortable if they bring me gifts

I think this would be really rude! You’re the hosts - asking people to cook a meal is a bit weird.

If you can’t afford to host, just tell them you’re not having house guests this year as you need a break.

I hate this argument, it's so fallacious.

People with high incomes who have high outgoings are choosing to have those outgoings (large house, decent car, private school etc)

It doesn't wipe out the fact that they earn more, although they do like us all to think that when they talk about their commitments with a heavy sigh.

And from a moral perspective, it certainly doesn't absolve them from paying their way fair and square. In fact, it makes it more morally repulsive not to do so.

When I host somebody the last thing I expect is for them to reward me for it.
My reward is in their having a good time and enjoying their meal.
Even if they stay over several days with me.
My apologies, @RedDragonCake if your guests don’t live up to your expectations - perhaps you should start charging them each an entrance fee.

Just tell a white lie that you've got someone else staying, or that you've taken in a temporary lodger. That you can meet up definitely for a meal in a restaurant/cafes etc and spend the day/week with them but they'll need to find their own accommodation.

If they don't want to do that then you know they're just piss takers.

But you've always known they had no spare room for you to be reciprocated. So it's partly your fault really for going ott on effort.

You should have people to stay because you like their company. Only do what you know they will do for you back. Otherwise you just get resentful.

People think you just enjoy hosting and take you for granted.
So stop letting them.

I don't care what guests bring or don't bring. I invite my friends to my house for their company, which is excellent regardless of whether it's accompanied by a bottle of wine. If I wouldn't be happy to see them empty-handed then I probably wouldn't be inviting them at all.

That said I would consider a bottle of wine the norm, though it doesn't have to be exactly that. When we visit some friends, we don't take anything but DP cooks a slap-up meal for them, and that works. Some friends bring baked goods when they visit us. It's all good. I definitely don't think staying one or two nights extra entails additional gifts!

Do they message you beforehand and ask what they can bring? If so just give them a list. I've had to start doing this with my sister as she would turn up for 4-5 days empty handed. Now she gets a very detailed list! Or a "Yes we'd love you to come and stay, please can you bring ......"

We have had this problem endlessly. Tell them you will do a kitty for food and ask them to put £50 each in for 3 nights.

I personally would take a few bottles of wine plus a gift when staying with someone.

However you shouldn’t expect anything really. I would assume that you hosted them as you wanted to see them. But it’s now become a regular thing and that sounds like too
much. Especially as the hosting is always on you. Break the arrangement and just be busy whenever they suggest. Or can you meet for lunch half way? That’s what we started doing when hosting became too
much.

We also changed our spare room in to DH’s office so now we have no room! This is a good idea.

If you live in a desirable area, like we do, it can cost thousands of pounds every summer to host people.