Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

Personally I don't expect anything from guests other than their company. I think this is a class thing. The posher you are, the more gifts people show up with.

Do you want to see them? Do they want to see you?

Are they doing you a favour by visiting, or are you doing them a favour by letting them stay?

Do you live somewhere that's nice to visit and do they spend their days going out and doing things on their own? Or do they spend the whole time with you?

Depends on the costs of visiting. We always stay with one set of friends, as they have room and we don’t. But it costs us in fuel to get to there - probably the equivalent cost of one evening meal. And then another meal might be take away or meal out, which we split. I take wine and chocs.

It’s more about seeing them than about a free weekend, so I’d hope that if they were feeling hard up, they’d say so we could contribute. Tell them your situation and what you need from them. If they’re friends, they’ll understand.

How?! I am shocked but genuinely interested

I think you just need to tell them you’re too busy this year.

Are you suggesting the hosts provide food but no drink one day, get taken out for dinner the second night then cooked for on the third day? Which bit would the hosts be hosting exactly?

I have hosted and been hosted and never had this exacting etiquette of gift giving, I tend to give a gift that reflects the host (like rhs membership for green fingered friend eg) and obviously if its a longer stay offer to cover meals or take them outfor a meal/pay for a meal out if planned. But it's very subjective and your way can't be applied to all, so either stop hosting them or accept their company and the bottle of wine 🤷‍♀️

To expect guests to bring gifts is beyond crass. It is up to them to bring stuff, but to expect it is horrible. Don't invite people and write 'pop in if you are in the area' if you don't mean it.

I agree with this.

If we go out, we always do that “Let me get this”, “Certainly not” dance but I wouldn’t expect guests to make a financial contribution to meals I was providing at home.

One bottle of wine for a one night stay is fine, a bit mean for a 3 night stay but not enough to fuss about. I don’t want flowers or other gifts.

Might be different because we live abroad now but our friends came over with no gifts (other than stuff we’d paid for and got sent to them) and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But Then again we have been frequent flyers to each others for about 10 years, often on an airbed in the kitchen.
I would hate it if they felt obligated to buy us gifts or bring anything other than themselves.

This is true, but then if it wasn't for staying at OP's house they'd have accommodation to pay for too

I guess I'm very blessed with my friends, who like me are all happy to chip in and wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed, and I do agree that making it "transactional" is a bit crass, but then the simple answer is just not to invite these people again

I voted YANBU for feeling a bit put about about them using you for a lovely weekend away, for the price of a bottle of wine - which is 4 glasses. Cheap, really cheap.

YABU here though Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost

I don't agree with the pp's calling you transactional. It is about feeling taken advantage of. In any case OP, just tell them no can do this year.

We host our friends often and they usually bring a gift each for our two kids, and mostly whiskey for DH or a bottle of wine and chocolates or flowers for me. It is usually a combination of these things and they usually stay two nights. I do spend a lot of money on hosting as I cook a lot and always make everyone’s favourite food. I have never really thought about what people bring and whether it was adequate, they are my friends and I like having them over. When family comes to stay the gifts are always more fancy like things for the house, jewellery for me, perfumes, whiskey for DH, clothes etc but then they stay for two to three weeks so always come laden with a lot of gifts as they come from abroad.

You should only do things if they give you pleasure, so if it makes you unhappy about how much they spend or how they gift etc. I would not bother.

Reminds me of that game …

I went to RedDragonCake’s house and I took a bottle.
I went to RedDragonCake’s house and I took a bottle and a box of chocolates.
I went to RedDragonCake’s house and I took a bottle, a box of chocolates and an UberEats voucher.
😁

Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them?

Dont say this. Either host them without needing to receive gifts or don’t host them and let the friendship cool off. I can’t see how bringing a meal would be practical / possible if they are travelling any distance. It sounds like this is more about the principle and you wanting token gifts in exchange for hosting. Some people just don’t get it. But spelling it out would be odd and awkward.

People come for 5 days to a week, usually in family groups of 4 or 5. Three meals a day, sometimes with dietary requirements. Alcohol in the evenings adds up, as does meat, fresh veg, nice salads, sliced hams cheeses etc. we are a long way from the nearest cheap supermarket, so affordable groceries require pre-planning. Often we have to fix things, so they have bicycles etc (no one has ever offered to hire one from the very nice chap who has a shop nearby). My husband always needs to take at least 1 day off work. He runs his own business, so this can be expensive. Then imagine having five of six requests like that each year. We now limit it to 3 non-family visits and do a kitty for food bought after they get here.

I think it’s polite to take a gift and a contribution - so multiple bottles of wine for everyone to share, plus a gift (something like homemade jam or local honey etc).

You can't ask guests to pay or tell them it's expensive to host them. I just wouldn't have them back this time.
They are being very cheeky only bringing 1 bottle of wine for 2 of them, even if it was just for dinner. Couples should bring more than that! When they are staying 3 nights full board it is taking the mickey.
Do they not offer to take you out for a meal or split a takeaway? I wouldn't necessarily take gifts, maybe flowers, but I would ask what I could bring, help in the kitchen, offer a meal out/ takeaway and make sure I was self sufficient in terms of drinks.

I can’t believe someone would come for that length of time and expect to be fed three meals a day, and not chip in! I think what you describe is very different to hosting a couple for a weekend, and good on you for cutting it down, it’s a shame you were put in that position though.

Hosting for 3 nights sounds painful. I would still offer but say that finances aren't great and you're putting a 2 night cap on visiting friends this year.

If we go to someone’s house for a meal, more often than not they say don’t worry about bringing anything. We would probably want to invite them back to ours another time to reciprocate.
I wouldn’t expect / particularly want anyone to bring me anything if I invited them round - not to sound cheesy but, to me, their company and hosting them is the gift! Of course, if guests do bring something I would thank them and be touched by the gesture, but to my mind it is really not necessary.
I would take a small gift if I went to stay at someone’s house for a night or 2 and would also offer to contribute financially if we went out in whatever way that may be over the course of the visit (buy a drink or meal or whatever).
Between ourselves as family (mum, sister etc) when we go to each other’s for a meal we may take flowers or something but not all the time.

Well you are clearly viewing this as transactional. I host for the joy of being a host. I absolutely do not expect guests to pay their way. I do not expect a gift increase for set amount of days. This sounds insufferable and you are clearly not cut out for having guests even if you go all out. It sounds unpleasant frankly.

All that said they are clearly not knowing this. You mustn’t tell them the cost as that’s bloody rude, but tell them you cannot host them again.

yes this.

I think there is a clear difference between posters who have guests who want to see them and posters who live in tourist areas who have people think 'where can we go for a cheap holiday- I know, how about x place and we can stay with the Genevieva's'.

The Op is talking about people who don't much bother with them until they are after a cheap holiday. So am I and so are others. Trust me, we know the difference. I am just thankful that after 20 odd years of this I have finally put my foot down on the cheeky fucker versions. (I have stories that would seem so outrageous I won't even put them on here- plus they are outing too! ).

Anyway- to add to @Genevieva 's list above I would include the expected squiring of people around the local attractions. We used to take our guests around the local very popular English Heritage properties and drive them there and often pay the entry fee etc at a tune of mega bucks (The only currency English Heritage takes) etc. More fool us. One year after doing the same trip 8 times we then just pointed them in the direction of the Number 8 bus and suggested they have a nice picnic.

One of our local shops sells cushions and teatowels that has on them; 'You never knew how many friends you had until you bought a place in [name of our town]. '

Friends who come because they want to see me- great. All for it. But it's the others the OP is talking about.

You’d be surprised! We have our repeat visitors now, who I actually don’t feel any need to receive any form of gift from. Their stays work because we are relaxed in each others’ company. They help with the washing up etc. We have had some shockers though. Parents that didn’t tell us variously that one of their children gets night terrors and screams the house down at 2am on a not infrequent basis / wet the bed / have extreme food preferences. Also, parents paranoid about their kids doing ordinary things our children had been doing for years, like cycling on a quiet road or going for a clamber on the rocks. That then makes it difficult for our kids to do what they usually do.