Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

You invited them. Host them or don't. But don't ask them to bring more stuff.

I'm always very grateful when people make the effort to drive 3-4 hours to come and stay, and whilst most people do probably bring a bottle of wine, I don't expect anything at all. It will cost them probably £50-60 in petrol anyway.

Ps I only do a level of hosting that I won't resent, and I only cook food we can afford, so extra portions of family meals (jacket potatoes, pasta etc) rather than dinner party style.

No pay for own Chinese but other than that yes, they keep going back but can't reciprocate. They are cf

How far away did you move from your friends? When it comes to long distance friends I've visited over the years, I travel to go and see "them" to spend time and close the travel distance for a couple of days or so, rather than the area as such. If I've spent say, £100 on a train ticket to visit a good friend for a weekend or something then it doesn't occur to me to "pay my way"/buy specific gifts as such as I would feel that I already did contribute over the get together. I equally wouldn't expect anything of my friends to bring anything other than themselves.

I don't want anything from guests and if they bring anything, a token box of chocs or bottle of wine is fine. If they bring more than that, then that's up to them but I wouldn't expect it. I certainly don't expect more if they're staying for longer.

"Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours."

That's why they're so well off - they only take one bottle of wine when visiting you!😀

That is stingy of them OP. Fob them off if they ask to stay again. Pretend you'll have visitors or something on.

I can't tell from your post how much you like these people and enjoy your company. are they using your house as a useful base for other things? Or do you all really enjoy spending time together?

you are people who are into wine and food - - so you are saying here you would be doing 3 really nice dinners with the 4 of you getting through at quite abit of wine while they are with you

I would agree they are stingy in this case - when I stay with friends I would contribute food or wine to every meal we had with them - that's just normal surely? I would not turn up at someones door and expect them to have paid up for everything we ate and drank

HOWEVER - this is not a transactional feeling it's more a generous reciprocity ie. with friends you just give/ take support each other

that seems to be missing here - if you actually love these people enough for a 3 night visit (and I would seriously have to really like them !! for this to happen in my house) - then is it just a small quirk?

they sound like users tbh I would stop hosting.

I think when you accept to host guests in your home, however many days it is, you also accept responsibility to feed them. If you can't do that, don't accept guests.

On the other hand, a good guest should always insist on taking their host out for a meal as a token of thanks. It's just rude not to, especially if you stay for 3+ days.

Personally, I wouldn't have guests over who never invite me back to stay in their house, because one of my pet perves is being taken advantage of. If people like this ask to stay at mine again I'd just tell them I'm not available to host them.

This is crazy you invite a guest to stay for the weekend and you want them to provide multiple bottles of spirits. You then want them to buy you a Chinese and then you want them to cook you a meal. You can't actually be serious

I also think that if you were all good friends who really wanted to hang out together you would see they were paying travel etc, but you feel they are using you as a convenient little holiday - so you don't quite feel that.

To be honest I think you’re expecting too much. If I’m hosting guests I don’t expect them to “pay their way”. If I couldn’t afford to host them then I wouldn’t. Alternatively, I’d suggest getting a takeaway one night and splitting the cost and then making a basic meal for the other two nights (spag bol, oven pizza & salad). There’s really no need to go totally overboard. Just welcome them to your home, provide basic meals and snacks and let them deal with it.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone I see 2/3 times a year if I could stay at their house even if they'd invited me. Wouldn't dream of hosting them either. Just make an excuse.

I think you are going too far in your hosting for what sound like not close friends. We moved from London to a smaller seaside place and when I go back/ or people visit here I would NEVER do more than one night! and if it was more - I just would not expect 'hosting' ie. posh meal etc the whole time.

I would expect that when visiting family but then we would probably talk/plan meals etc so no burden is on one person/family.

Nearer the time/as the time is approaching….“Looking forward to seeing you soon, I’ve planned a dinner for x day, thought we could go out on x day and then on x day I thought we could have something cheap and easy like mac and cheese/buffet type stuff. That ok with you?” They might offer to treat you to a takeaway or something. I don’t think you can expect guests to pay for a share of the food bill unless when they arrive you ask them what they fancy and all go to super market together

You’ve made some arbitrary list of appropriate gifts in your head and get frustrated when others don’t live up to this random gift hierarchy you have come up with. Bonkers.

Your self imposed gifting is unnecessarily convoluted. How did you end up immersed in such strangled etiquette & rules.
Stop knocking yourself out it must be exhausting and no one is going to replicate your OTT gifting or hosting
Unfortunately, your friends are entitled and ungrateful, don’t host them.They can make alternative arrangements

Completely agree

This is bizarre.. of course i take a gift as a guest, but i don't up it according to how long i stay.

As a Host, i was bought up that your guests shouldn't be expected to pay for anything.. if they want to offer, you can choose to accept or not, but EXPECTING a guest to pay for a meal in your home is bloody rude.

It’s not nice being treated like a B&B (if you aren’t a B&B!). Happened to us when we moved somewhere people fancied visiting. We are less carefree with invites now!

I appreciate people are taking time out of their life to make the effort to come and see me. I know if I visit others it's a bit/lot of an effort no matter how much I want to see them so really I'm touched they bother to come to me. So no gift,wine, choc, flowers, chipping in needed, just a lovely time is enough. Unless they explicitly said we want to come to the area, can we bunk down at yours and we'll be out all the time ,then I might expect a small recognition for politeness sake.

That sounds fairer than my first reading!

I really like hosting, partly because I don't really like going to other people. So I'm ok with things being a bit one sided. I also like to cook, and feed people 😁

I don't think I'd enjoy people cooking in my house 🤔

But the friend isn't staying at a hotel to have a holiday or see the sights - they're coming to see you. I'd much rather not have the hassle of travelling to see my friends and have them come to stay at mine. I still think the host gets the better deal here

In our experience, it depends on the guests. Living on the South Coast and with the added bonus of being boat owners whose house is within 10 minutes walk of our marina, it didn't take us long to work out who was coming for the pleasure of our company (those who were happy to come at any time of the year) and those wanting a nice summer break with the added bonus of a cruise to the Isle of Wight for lunch or something similar at our expense.

These days we only host those we consider to be real friends - and the interesting thing is they're the ones who inevitably arrive laden with gifts, which are welcome (especially if it's alcohol!), but definitely not expected.

True friends are priceless.

I always bring a gift and take my hosts out to dinner. But if they didn't or couldn't also stay at my house, I'd probably stay at a hotel and just visit for an evening, at the host's home or a restaurant.

It sounds like you don't feel close enough to this couple to want to keep up these one-way, multiple day visits every year.

You could just make up and excuse the next time or two. Then they'll probably get the hint and stop expecting it.