Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

No i don't except gifts or anything i want to see them for themselves

A friend used to visit every year and take gifts and wine - I insisted that I didn't want gifts but I did want wine, I was also very happy for her to cook dinner if she wanted. Gifts I don't need!

They come across as quite oblivious and ignorant — perhaps willfully so. That said, I can't imagine anything more awkward than bringing up the cost of hosting them and asking for a larger contribution. It goes completely against the classic Mumsnet advice of being assertive and direct with friends, but realistically, most of us just don't have the stomach for that kind of confrontation.
Three nights of hosting sounds like an absolute nightmare to me — though admittedly, I do value a quiet life. Perhaps you could suggest just one night instead? Or, as others have recommended (and what I’d personally be inclined to do), simply make your excuses about being too busy and avoid the situation altogether. Honestly, I wouldn't have much patience for that level of entitlement and stinginess.

If you would like to see them (in small doses) ask them to get an Airbnb or hotel and say it would be nice to meet up for meal, evening out, etc.
if you’re not bothered about seeing them again just say ‘that doesn’t work for us’ or ‘we have other plans’ each time the ask.

They are very rude.

I don't host people for financial reasons and I don't find cooking a few meals to be that costly either? If I stay elsewhere, I take a token gift, regardless of length of stay, though it's usually only a couple of nights. I'm more likely to take more for a more formal meal - wine plus chocs / flowers - but only because that's become a thing and I feel the need to keep up with other guests! I don't think people really want flowers or chocolates, wine, yes maybe, so it's not like you are contributing anything tangible.

If you feel put upon, don't invite them. If you can't afford to host, then don't or do so less often. But don't count gifts as some kind of payment. If you're going down that route, maybe remember how much they might have paid in travel costs.

I only invite people because I want to spend time with them.

I wouldn't be inviting them back again.

I’m always so pleased to see my friends I don’t care if they bring a gift!

The op said they do not have guests staying because no spare room.

OP, you either don't let them stay any more, say it isn't convenient or whatever, or suck it up. You just don't ask guests to contribute though it's nice if they treat you.

Don’t offer to host if you don’t want to pay 🤷‍♀️

I would just say we enjoy hosting you but watching our budget at the moment so can't really afford it this year, hope you understand

I think it depends on whether you like their company enough or not. It sounds like you resent that it is one- sided and feel they take advantage. Which is a valid feeling. Some friends I want to see I’d be happy (and excited) for them to stay once a year for a few nights. Those friends would usually bring a bottle and maybe flowers too, but I’m not sure I’d feel annoyed if they didn’t. Whilst I totally appreciate the effort of hosting, you could easily make it less costly with meals- a simple pasta dish, toast and eggs for breakfast etc. That is if you wanted to. For me, more than gifts, I would expect people to help out a little if they stay for two nights or more, even if just something token like help clear the plates / stack the dishwasher alongside me whilst chatting etc at least once or twice. Or offer to lay the table. If people are only staying for one night I wouldn’t expect this and would just want them to relax.

I expect more from people who invite themselves to stay than those who I invite. But I would expect to be taken out for a meal by someone who stays for 3 days.

That seems to be an issue here - they are inviting themselves. Which creates a lot of work for the OP in terms of cleaning the house, organising a suitable menu, being available over that weekend rather than pursuing other plans. So it's not surprising that resentment is building.

OP, I'd just say that there are no dates that work for you this year in hosting them but you're free to catch up for a meal out when they are in the area. Hosting these friends is not working for you and its ok to stop doing it

Just reply - We can’t host you but we can recommend some lovely local B&Bs. No sorry or excuses.

If I go and stay with friends, it is because I am keen to see them.
Assuming they are keen to see me, then they provide dinner etc while I've paid for travel to get there.
And vice versa when they visit me.

We don't really do gifts partly because then you just end up with flowers that are nice but you weren't that bothered about having or some random knick knack, especially as many of us don't drink alcohol much now.

If you think they are only staying with you in order to get a cheap holiday, for example if they go out sightseeing without you most days, then just politely decline their visit by being too busy/decorating/whatever. If I thought someone was visiting me without actually being very keen to see me, then the fact they paid for a dinner or brought wine wouldn't really change the fact they didn't like me that much. So I simply wouldn't have them to stay.

These people have been taking you for mugs. Who do the twats think they are, booking in their visit as if you’re a hotel,

Tell them that you are not able to have guests to stay but you’re happy to meet them for a meal. And do not pay for their meals!

I don’t think you should expect gifts from guests ( especially ones you gave an open invitation to), I would give more than a bottle of wine and it was very tight of them not to give more considering the length of stay but what can you do….you don’t want to come across as a bad host

If you enjoyed their company then I think that’s nearly enough, if you didn’t enjoy their company then that’s a different story

Yes, but look at the flip side, what if her friends weren’t bothered about the destination, were only going (at great expense) to visit their friend? If you’d forked out for flights, hire car etc to visit your friend you could say that’s quite a large expenditure to enjoy her company!

I don’t expect guests to turn up with anything honestly and I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to take me to dinner if they stayed two nights.

I think you either enjoy hosting and can afford it or you don’t. You don’t enjoy hosting these two so don’t.

My toes literally curled at “mention what this costs us.”

Jesus Christ! Host or don’t host, but decent people don’t put a price tag on the hospitality of their home!!

Exactly. If you’re eyeballing your guests’ wallets, just do everyone a favour and decline the visit.

That is SO beyond crass and tacky.

I love having guests, however feeding guests for 3 days costs a lot of money. I would expect them to take you out for a meal or pay for a takeaway.

Why don’t you suggest meeting somewhere neutral, suggest a hotel stay?

So is costing other people money with no regard.