Do I expect too much from guests?

[RedDragonCake]

Whenever we go to someone's for a meal, we always take wine and chocolates or flowers. If we stay one night it's wine, chocolates or flowers and a gift. Two or more nights is wine, chocolates or flowers, a gift and we pay for a meal out.
We moved two years ago and did the 'if you're ever in the area, do pop in' note with our change of address. Several friends have visited and have paid their way, brought wine etc. Some have also reciprocated and we have stayed with them. One couple (who we only ever used to see 2/3 times a year) came up the first year. I admit, I went over the top with meal prep etc and we made sure that they enjoyed themselves. They stayed 3 nights and brought one bottle of wine. The next year, I didn't go so overboard but we still welcomed them. Again, 3 nights and one bottle of wine. They are both in good jobs and their income is more than ours. They go on several foreign holidays every year we can't afford a foreign holiday. They have adult children living at home so are unable to have us to stay with them (no spare room). It costs quite a bit to host them.
They usually contact us around this time of year as they start planning their summer to put a date in the diary for their stay. Am I being unreasonable if I ask them to either book a bnb or mention that visits cost us and if they could bring a meal with them? I think that, as they don't have guests to stay, they perhaps are not aware of the extra work/cost. What do you expect when people come to stay?

My views on this are mixed
i have several different groups of friends where we alternate staying with each other. We don’t do gifts but we always bring a contribution in terms of food, drink, bedding and we eat out over the weekend as it’s lots of work as you say

if it can’t be reciprocated then as a guest I would definitely offer something as it just can’t just be a one way street. If I am hosting I would appreciate the same. Not necessarily just about the cost ) but I am fortunate income wise, but also the effort, I want my hosts to relax so we can all enjoy our time and there is lots of food shopping, house prepping, clearing to do as well

if on top of the cost, the effort, and the fact that it can’t be reciprocated, you also feel they are visiting more due to your location, I would definitely stop this arrangement!

I think you're an excellent guest but no one would know these standards unless you told them.

It doesn't sound like you can comfortably afford to have these people to stay over a year, or that you want to. In which case it's reasonable to say you have a full diary and have taken a step back from entertaining but would love to meet up.

I don't think you can settle to have them but all them to pay for things unless it's family, really.

I actually agree with this. It's nice to get a thank you gift, but I don't expect anything for it and I wouldn't expect a meal. I think you are better to just not host, given you are thinking about the cost and effort

Christ the only think i expect from guests is their company. Well at least a bit of it..

Sounds like it might be easier to just stay in hotels and encourage other people to too if there's going to be this strange unspoken bartering system.

And no is a full sentence. If you don't really want someone to stay then just don't let them stay.

Coz for me if I have people staying it's coz I'm friends with them and would like to see them. I have zero expectations regarding what I'm going to get in return because the benefit to me is seeing my friends

And if I dont like someone that much then I wouldn't let them stay in my home

OP, YANBU. This is the problem when things aren’t reciprocated; it becomes a breeding ground for resentment.
And how convenient that they can never host you …
The least they could do is to treat you to a meal out or takeaway.
The trick is to think about what you can offer before resentment kicks in. So maybe one night instead of 3, or whatever.

If someone is financially incapable of hosting they are under no obligation to host. No shame in that.

but looking upon one’s guests as “costing money” is just so lowdown. Who is raised to think this way??

Yuck. Just don’t host if you are going to keep a scorecard.

You should tell them that they wasn’t actually supposed to take you up on your open welcoming invite… 😅

If you genuinely can’t afford to host them, then explain and ask them to bring a meal. However, it sounds like you feel you’re being taken advantage of. I don’t think your “rule” in terms of gifts for a meal/stay isn’t commonplace so they may simply not be aware this is expected.

I wouldn’t ask them to book an Airbnb.
And I wouldn’t ask them to bring a meal either.

But I would tell them that you aren’t accepting guests at the moment so can’t make arrangements to host them. When they call/message to ask if everything is ok you simply respond by saying yes thanks, all is really good but we have decided to take a break from hosting for a while to prioritise other things.

I generally only travel to see a friend I really care about and miss and wish to spend time with.

The few friends like that who are too far to see in a day live far enough away that the travel alone costs a fortune.

I do tend to bring a candle or send flowers afterwards but I would find it appalling if they were just totting up the value of my gift

While I get your frustrations, I wouldn’t expect a guest to bring anything really. Flowers or wine is fine (like they do) but if it’s costing you lots, why don’t you go out for a meal instead of staying in when they’re down? Then they may offer to pay? Or really cut the costs of things. Buy much cheaper things etc or suggest they bring some food for a potluck for the first night?

I would be a bit miffed if they came with nothing at all. I would say a bottle of wine is all I would expect and I wouldn't expect more gifts if they were staying longer. That's not really how I see hospitality. I would however keep the food simple to keep costs down. Equally your guests shouldn't expect a lavish spread. The idea of having friends to stay is to enjoy each others company

I'm sorry but I agree with op.
It is mean and bad mannered .
I wouldn't have them to stay again but dinner and bring a bottle is sufficient.

You either enjoy their company in which case let it go or if you don’t, say you’re busy.

You’ve applied YOUR (rigid) rule to them, you can’t do that! It’s not a universal rule to bring XYZ for each night you stay at someone’s.

A bottle of wine is fine in my opinion as they’re friends of yours. Why not suggest going out for dinner instead and offering to split the bill? Or say you’re only free for 1 night?

It sounds like you don't enjoy their company, that it's them that decide to rock up rather than you inviting them? if so just tell them I'm sorry we are very busy this summer with family and leave it there. If you are not inviting them I think it's very rude of them to invite themselves. If it's you inviting them but just upset about the wine, no that's just petty.

Things I have learned in my 40+ years.
Some people just do not know how to be gracious or worsts they believe their company is thanks enough.
The more money people have the less likely they are to spend it on others. If your home is a stop over on their vacation trip, tell them about all the nice accommodations in the area. Stop letting yourself be used so others can save some money.

Get takeaway or eat out then the costs can be shared

I think if you are staying with someone for 3 nights you should take care of one of the meals - whether that's making dinner, paying for takeaway or paying for a meal out. It's not about the money - it's just not putting the full load on your hosts and you tidy up too. We'd normally take more than one bottle of wine.

You seem to have a very specific system for gifting, I've never really heard of this before.
Personally, we bring/gift depending on the situation.
We have some retired family who we love to visit but I know are not on a great pension so we always bring several bottles of wine, beer, some sweet treats, snacks etc to try and lessen the burden. We also usually bring a small gift for them as well. They live far away so we often stay over. If we go out to eat or stop for a coffee, we always make sure to pay etc.
If I was visiting friends, who I know are on a similar or higher salary I wouldn't make the same level of effort. I'd bring a bottle of wine or offer to bring dessert, I usually make an effort whilst there to help with cleaning up and offer to strip beds etc But I also wouldn't expect them to bring me anything, because I only invite people that I want to see anyway.
It sounds like the issue is that the hosting isn't reciprocal which is starting to grate on you. Hosting is tiring & expensive, perhaps they aren't aware to what extent if they don't do so themselves.
Would an extra bottle of wine really change the resentment for you? Perhaps it is better to say that hosting is becoming a bit much for you but you'd love to see them if they're able to stay nearby.

We don't have a lot of overnight guests. My in-laws come up a few times a year usually stay three or four nights, they bring all their own food and drink and share it with us. We visit my cousins a couple of times a year and stay one or two nights we don't tend to take anything for the adults but we always take a little something for the kids. I don't expect guests to bring anything, just enjoy their company but it's nice if they do.

It's so simple. When they contact you just say with the cost of living as it is you can't afford for visitors to stay this year. But if they want to stay in the area you're very happy to cook dinner or lunch on one day. Job done.