Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

So this bride is a bridezilla for not wanting to turn her wedding into a 3 day long event 2 days before the wedding?

I think it’s far too late to be adding events to the programme, and also as your DD says there is likely to be an expectation that she will attend. Why have you left it till now?

She's got her day FFS. Can't control what people do the following day

I'm sorry I'm just dipping in while on my coffee break so only read your post OP. My first thought was how could my son or daughter have a wedding without both sets of parents (if still around) meeting each other before the actual day. I find it quite absurd and don't understand why your daughter hasn't arranged this. As far as a post wedding gathering with relatives I can't see how this has anything to do with her especially if they are contemporaries and you don't get a chance to meet very often. Your daughter shouldn't feel obliged to attend this either. You have very kindly funded so much of the day this is one aspect you should feel welcome to arrange.

Who said she was controlling what other people do? In fact the OP specifies she told her mother she could do what she wanted but the DD was already busy and these last minute events didn’t work for her.

Nobody's asking her to turn her wedding into anything. A couple of low-key events the day before or after that she doesn’t have to do anything to organise and doesn't have to even be at are nothing to do with making her wedding anymore than it is. Something the day before or after is not extending her wedding.

So why is there an issue that she is too busy to attend?

I would separate the two. Not having met the groom's parents is a bit odd? I am not sure why this has taken so long, I would have set something up when the couple got engaged. Your DD and the groom do not need to be there for this necessarily, but they might prefer to be. As for adding another function close into the wedding. No I would not. I think this will add to your daughter's stress levels. No reason why you could not organise a family barbecue or party in the summer?

It isn't. She can turn up or she can go off on her honeymoon. No idea why the bride is kicking off. She has nothing to kick off about.

As a mother of the groom we never officially me the parents o the bride, i mean we saw them at their work/in the couples house but that is all.
all pretty shy people tbh

Frankly she sounds a pain. As the in-laws are over before the wedding it seems odd not to arrange even a brief drink or lunch to break the ice. If they’re going off straight after the wedding, you having a catch up with family doesn’t affect them surely? We only met the in-laws in both our children’s’ weddings a couple of times prewedding over the years as we live a long distance apart, but they kindly hosted a lunch the next day which was lovely. All this stress stuff today, we just got married and accepted it wasn’t something out of 3 Weddings!

I'm in the US and it's customary here to host a dinner the night before the wedding (known as a rehearsal dinner as there's often a wedding rehearsal the day before), to which guests are invited from both sides who have traveled and are staying at a hotel or whatever, and close family members of the fiancé. It's also customary to have a casual brunch the day after. Both events are normally casual.

I think your suggestion was a really good one, and I'd be puzzled too at the response you received. I think you should ask your DD why she was upset at the idea. Have you heard any negative comments about the fiancé's parents? Have they been a pita in the course of the wedding planning?

I'd also ask her if there are any last minute tasks you could get done for her without mithering her for step by step directions. Maybe keep your eyes and ears open for signs of relationship issues between your DD and the fiancé too. Assure her that even though you've forked over a big chunk of the cost of the wedding, she can call a screeching halt to it all if getting married doesn't feel right any more.

Lovely ideas @GuttedMOB

It's a bit odd on your DD & her fiance's part that you & his parents haven't met, frankly, so your offer to host a pe-wedding drinks is a lovely one.

Could you organise something maybe a few days before, rather than the day before?

Maybe your DD is being a bit bridezilla-ish in that she wants to control everything to do with the wedding.

Could you throw it back to her by saying you wanted to meet your prospective son-in-law's parents, and you wanted to offer hospitality to family visiting for the wedding, so could you & she think together about what might be nice?

She sounds overly stressed. Emotions run so high, especially a couple of weeks before a wedding. Give her a hug and enjoy the day. And don’t feel guilty for inviting his folks for drinks

But I’d realised that both ideas wer things my family have always done and thought she would love.

Yes, @GuttedMOB my family (including very extended family - we spread out!) always do this for weddings. It's easier for us, I suppose in that generally family weddings of my generation were always held at home, and extended family were generally staying in my parents' or my uncle's or grandfather's house. The next day party was also a time for people from the village to come & say hello.

It doesn’t say she kicked off, nor does it say the bride made any suggestion the mother couldn’t continue with her plans, the bride just said she was busy and wouldn’t be attending.

The bride hasn’t kicked off, she’s said it doesn’t work for her and she’s not interested in attending. The OP has however come onto MN and created a post where a vast percentage of people are slagging her daughter off and calling her names. Hopefully the bride doesn’t find this post.

Unless your DD has something planned for the day after the wedding and the time of the drinks event that involves the same people, I don't see how she can object. She and her husband don't have to be there. The rest of you can have a great time discussing the wedding.

Thank you everyone. You’ve given me a bit of perspective. I think I was reasonable to suggest the meets but perhaps I didn’t communicate clearly enough that I wasn’t expecting the couple to attend or do any organising. I might have caught her at a wrong moment in the midst of organising everything.I did want to do more to help, but it was their choice to keep everything with themselves, groomsmen and Chief Bridesmaid. I just imagined I’d be much more involved and wanted to help. I’ll give her space and then have a quiet chat with her at the weekend.

It has been pointed out many times already on this thread. Not everyone lives locally or can afford to make a long and expensive journey involving travel and hotel costs just to meet their DC's prospective in laws over a cup of tea.

Strange that the two sets of parents haven’t met yet, and see no reason why you can’t do that. You’re all adults so your daughter doesn’t need to be there if she doesn’t want to.

Not so sure about the gathering the day after the wedding. I bloody hate it when people drag out weddings like this, with another get-together the next day. Surely the wedding IS the get-together. If I stay overnight after a wedding, I can’t wait to get home the next day, not rehash the whole thing with the same people 24 hours later.

She was apparently "very upset". Being very upset about a notification that someone is organising a small event the day after your big event is a huge overreaction.

Attendance isn't compulsory. Why is it any skin off your nose if other people fancy another get together the next day? Doesn't stop you heading home if you want to.

You didn't go ahead and organise anything and they are both perfectly normal things to suggest. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like she's on her last nerve.

It's odd that the two sides haven't met.

No it isn't. It really, really isn't. See my post above yours.

We don't all live in Royston Vasey