Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

This.

That's nice. Nobody's saying you can't. As long as you don't claim everybody should do that, you carry on and enjoy it.

No, you're not. She sounds awful.

It would be nice to meet the grooms parents before the date itself and it was thoughtful of you to think of meeting up with them the day before wedding.

The same with a get together for friends the day after, if they are your family then do invite them round the day after before they head home. Just a casual drop in. Why wouldn’t you ? Your daughter doesn’t have to be involved and you don’t need her permission.

Sorry to say, but your daughter is being an ungrateful brat. It's fine for her to decline your suggestions, but she could have done so in a much more polite way. Especially seeing as you are her mother, and you're paying for a good chunk of her wedding.

Your events don't need to work for your DD, the bride and groom don't need to be there for you to have a drink with the grooms parents, and if they are staying in a hotel they may be very pleased to have something to do that day, or does your DD already have something planned with the grooms parents that day?

Similarly after the wedding presumably your DD will be off on honeymoon and what the guests do then doesn't involve her at all, or is she upset that she will be missing out on something?

She did say do what you like so I would take her at her word and carry on with your plans, unless she gives an actual reason why you shouldn't do those things. Could you get a quiet word with the Groom to find out what the problem is?

Also, what kind of daughter gets married and accepts mummy's money, but doesn't introduce her in-laws to her parents before the wedding? That would never happen in my family...

DH parents & my parents have never met - we've been together 19 years

Probably one whose future in-laws live abroad? That’s probably just the tiniest bit relevant here.

Exactly. She could have said discuss and enjoy.

After a wedding, most brides just want to relax with their new husband. The last thing she'll want is more social obligations. So yes you are being unreasonable to expect her to attend/be involved. She may also find it stressful if you try to host her husband's relatives unsupervised, the fact you haven't met his parents yet is telling.

But I reckon a little brunch/coffee debrief session with your own relatives is a nice idea.

She did. Using colloquial, metaphorical language instead of literal language. It means the same thing.

Lots and lots of daughters, as evidenced by this thread. As you said, they’re her in-laws, not her mother’s. Why do they need introducing prior to the wedding?

Oh fgs! What did you think she meant, really?

It’s right you should meet his parents before the wedding and I’d say it was a lovely idea to have people around but I’d keep it to your family members who have travelled rather than both sides

No you’ve misread me. I’m saying the same as you: it was fine to use debrief.

Yea. That’s why I appended my comment to yours and said “ exactly.” I was agreeing - and clarifying why one might “ debrief.”

I thought that pp was trying to say a “debrief” was overkill.

Sorry

Why?

At the very least, your daughter is being inhospitable and, all being wound up aside, I wouldn’t be having that.

I would talk to the groom about meeting his parents beforehand and would crack on with family plans for the morning after.

The morning after at my parents place was when we opened our gifts with a load of people wafting in and out. It’s one of my favourite memories. Just a gentle winding down.

I think it's normal to meet the parents before the wedding but maybe it's a bit late now. The following day perhaps just invite your own family and then it's nothing to do with your daughter or son in law really.

Like what? I don’t recall being swamped with lots of things to do after the wedding. We actually had close family come back to my parents for a relaxing lunch the next day before we went on honeymoon. All super relaxed

Yes. But possibly the bride can't see past the wedding at the moment.
If she's making a big deal of it, thinking about a gathering on the day after might just be too much.
Even if she ends up enjoying the gathering on the day after the wedding, which is likely.

Reading on Mumsnet these bridezillas are tiresome. They upset their bridesmaids, hen party organiser, parents, in laws. All to achieve the perfect wedding

Sounds nice. I can’t see anything wrong here.